|The beautiful hills of Scarlet Hill Farm|
I am officially in a funk... this isn't the funk of a body injured but of a mind that refuses to be controlled. The word CAN'T strengthens with every sigh...
Yesterday was the traditional "XC Schooling Day Before Groton House Farm Horse Trials"... Oh, It isn't really an official tradition but it happens every year at the same time even if it appears spontaneous. And, it has that same feel - tension, excitement and joy preparing for a big Event.
For me, I could've cried the whole time if it wasn't such a beautiful day filled with wonderful riders on a beautiful farm. You see, I wasn't mounted, wasn't getting ready for GHF and wasn't sure I could ever do this again... happy, joyous and free.
It's been one year since I hit the tree at Groton House Farm Horse Trials... It been a year and one week since I planned my move up to Training... And, today I'm still lost... wondering how to make a come back.
|Two weeks before GHF 6/11|
Folks have been amazingly supportive and for that I'm grateful. Working with my Professional Friend doing PTSD work has been great, yet I believe we've reached the end of helpfulness when the PF makes riding rather than brain suggestions.
My Bestest Eventing Buddy suggested that I stop being so honest since the result of such honesty has been strong, consistent and sometimes forceful suggestions that I sell Sugar and get something easier to ride. And, Sugar isn't an easy ride... She is wonderfully complex... "quirky" said one clinician.
Yet for 3 years... three seasons, we rocked the jumping phases. We may have been an Angry Mare in the warmup, spooked at everything in the dressage arena... but, that moment when I came off the XC course ... that moment crossing the finish line was worth every penny, every second, every struggle... it was sheer heaven.
I had that for three years.... And, its just a little lost right now.
This blog is about a path... Today I hear the word "CAN'T" and I chose not to accept it but to be honest about where I am today. Maybe some of you have felt the same way... Maybe you have triumphed over the broken mind... And, maybe, just maybe my honest and my path offers you something helpful...
So, unless I win the lottery, Sugar is mine. You may want me with an easy ride, you may want me to sell her. You may even think that I'm foolish for loving a horse over ease and safety. (Trust me, I do love Sugar AND if I truly thought I was in danger, she would be gone... in a heart beat.)
|Searching for the Can...|
Whatever you think, right now... I ask one thing and one thing only. Believe in me. Believe in Sugar and I as a team. Support me and just as I must do for myself, remove the term CAN'T from your vocabulary.
Attitude is the great fortune teller. If I believe I CAN'T, that will become my reality... TODAY, I can. And TOMORROW, I will.