LIEBSTER LIBATIONS

Yay me!  It appears that my blog has been nominated by fellow bloggers for the Liebster Blog Award.  "What is the Liebster Blog Award?" you say.

The Liebster Blog Award is a way to recognize blogs who have less than 200 followers. Liebster is a German word that means beloved and valued. Here are the rules for accepting the award:

• Thank the person who nominated you and include a link back to their blog.
• List 11 random facts about yourself.
• Answer the 11 questions given to you.
• Create 11 questions for the bloggers you nominate.
• Choose 11 bloggers with 200 or fewer followers to nominate and include links to their blogs.
• Go to each blogger's page and let them know you have nominated them. 

So here goes:

11 Random Facts About Me

1. I am a Scorpio.  Basically no matter how hard I try to be light and funny..  I tend to be dark and intense... 
2. I love filling out questionnaires and surveys...  I think its the completer in me. 
3. After getting involved with Pandora beads, I decided never to buy jewelry that you collect pieces over time...  You see, I'm a completer and now have two very full Pandora bracelets.
4. I had breast cancer 8 years ago and am now considered cured.
5. I am against the whole Pink concept for breast cancer and the fund raising tactics used.
6. I am addicted to coffee and proud of it
7. Advil remains my drug of choice.
8. My foxhound Chandler is the love of my life (sorry Jonah, you are a very close second)
9. I spend a lot of time "buying" my current barn and making up grades so the plans are in place for the big lottery win!
10. I have 7 siblings - 6 brothers and 1 sister.  I can hold my own in an argument.
11.  I am passionate about horses and would love to do the "horse thing" full time and of course,

The Questions Asked of Me:

1. Get up early to ride, or stay up late? - Both.  Although my work schedule makes me a night person.
2. What do you do for a living?  I'm an Insurance Consultant in Employee Benefits industry.  I do have a BS in Ag Science from Cook College/Rutgers University.
3. What do you wish you did for a living?   Managing my own Equestrian Center with a healthy lesson program and amenities like yoga to help us be better riders and humans.
4. If you could try any type of riding what would it be?  Nothing. I'm happy Eventing... it gives me three things to work at and a bunch of ways to get eliminated. 
5. What is one thing about your horse you wish you could change?  I wish she were less spooky, less Mariah Carey...  
6. If you could change your horse's name to anything (registered or barn) what would it be?  Her registered name is Fame and Frolic and her barn name is Sugar.  Never thought about her registered name and LOVE her barn name.  
7. Facebook, Tumblr, or Instagram?  Facebook.  Don't know Tumblr, and really don't know much about Instagram either.
8. Ebay, Craigslist, or Tack shop?  Tack Shop - I like to support those entities that support my sport.
9. If you could take on the life of any character in any TV show or movie, who would it be?   Ghost Whisperer.  I love that she talks with the dead and helps folks move on. 
10. If you had an unlimited budget, what type of car or truck would you buy?  I would want a 4 horse trailer with a dually to pull it. 
11. If you could move to any part of the world, where would it be?  England or Ireland with visits to New England and VA Hunt Country. 

This was fun!  Sending thanks to the following blogsters who nominated me:

 

http://galsandhorses.blogspot.com/ Amy writes a fabulous blog - witty and interesting

 

http://tbeventer.blogspot.com/  Monica writes about life and eventing... cutting edge

 

http://dangerbunny.blogspot.com/ - Writes a great blog about horses, motherhood and living life to the fullest

 

http://mylifeonhorses.blogspot.com/ - Emmi is a new blog for me and a new part of the country...

 

And I would like to do the same and nominate the following blogs:

 

http://www.shemovedtotexas.com/ - this blog may have more than 200 followers.  I couldn't validate.  I do like her style

 

http://horsecountrychic.blogspot.com/ - Love this blog - horses, fashion, travel and news!

 

http://thesixthstride.blogspot.com/

 

For now, I have to stop at 3...  there are others but apparently, it's to hard to find their URLs.

 

THERE BE DEMONS!

Sigh...  A girls gotta tell a tale and that means a tale's gotta be told even if the tale is one she'd rather left untold...  just sayin,!  You see, this girl's got some demons and they do not make her feel pretty... 

Pretty is as pretty does...

"What", you say? " Demons?  Of course you have demons, 2/3rds of your writings have something sneaking about, so we know all about them..."

Fair enough!  {{{{Hmmmm, the Bestest Eventing Buddy did say that I am a bit too honest and should reveal less.... Hmmmm....}}}  .

Sugar and I just returned from our very own, very intimate Stressless Riding intensive.  No, you won't find a clinic description on the Stressless Riding website.  I applied and was awarded the  Area 1 Adult Riders scholarship that allowed me to design a clinic to help cope with the demons blocking our eventing future.  The application/details were documented in my earlier blog titled Winning!.

Day 1
The day to tell your tale, of what happened, what's been done, what's still going on and why it's feels so important.  We sat at a picnic table in the bright sun and I talked.  Andrea Waldo, with the wisdom of a therapist (and a Wise Woman), allowed me to go on and confess my fears - what people thought of me, what people would think of me, of being embarrassed, of being humiliated, of being abandoned by my trainers who might not want to teach such a "wimpy rider" and of never doing this again.  It was never about getting hurt...  fascinating!

Her advice was so simple - Notice your Story!  Question it!  Delete anything that isn't useful.

 So, what does that mean?  A story is something that hasn't happened yet.  It holds no truth because it is not in the moment.  My stories come fast and furious and most are not blog worthy... 

• Sugar spooks at gates, lattice, green roll tops, barrels, anything with a pattern and so on...
• Oh shoot, Sugar is running like an idiot in the paddock, she'll be lame, she is going to be so wound up that she'll be awful to ride...
• My knee is aching, I'll never be able to ride well enough to jump

All of those came up and every single one of them was a story - The only truths that existed were that Sugar hadn't spooked yet, she was running in her paddock and my knee was aching AND nothing else was true!  DELETE everything but the truth.  Wow, that frees up a lot of space in my head.

And then we jumped. 

Gotta luf a hound!

Was it releasing all my pent up anxiety, emotion and fear that gave me a calmness that I haven't felt since I hit the tree?  I'm not sure but it felt glorious to jump my lil' Pinto Pony that afternoon, in a new place, with a new instructor after crying...  It felt glorious!

Day 2
Ah, revisiting my "Stories" and deleting all but the truth.  And that included the fret and worry about Sugar's paddock issues, embarrassment over sharing so much and worry that it would all go wrong.  Instead, I stuck with the truth.   I came to ride, jump and share all those thoughts that come hard and often...  The truth.

Ride your horse, make a statement, breathe deeply after every spook/every jump/every correction and stay calmly focused.

 And we jumped. 

Breathing deeply was the hardest of all tasks, even requiring me to ask Andrea to remind me to do so.  You could feel Sugar breathe and relax when I took a calming breath.  My two beat mantra, "Rhythm and Flow" went from a harsh demand to a soft song.  I felt powerful and it was good... until I hit dirt.

You see, I felt so confident, that I decided, without much thought, to throw in another jump.  I had no plan and realized as I approached the jump, that I didn't know where we were going, which way we needed to turn to avoid the jump poles in our path (ok, 5 strides away) and ...  and so on.  Sugar kept coming and I kept thinking until at the very last moment, I realized I had to do something.  Sigh, that something was...  um... leaning up her neck and trying to jump for her..  oops!

A Family Trip?

Andrea thought this was a great opportunity to work through the "What happens when you fall and dealing with its aftermath" issues.

Ride your horse, have a plan and with a horse like Sugar, focus on one thing - jumping the jump and clear your mind of everything else.

Day 3
My Stories started early that morning.  My back was sore from the fall and I was sure I wouldn't be able to finish the clinic.  Then I realized - Story.  And I deleted all but the facts -  I was tired and my back was sore. 

And we jumped.

Today did not feel powerful.  Sugar was conservative jumping and I felt weak.  It wasn't ugly or bad. It just wasn't great.  Andrea had us jump around a bit with a few things new.  When Sug rushed the square oxer, I wanted to be done.  I had enough and my anxiety was climbing.  I wanted to be done.

So, I asked Andrea if we could be done.  (If you are my trainer reading this, you know this is not new).  Andrea said we could stop but wanted me to express what was going on.  The conversation went like this:

Me - "I'm tired and I want to quit before it gets worse."

Andrea - "What does that mean to you?"

Calmly Focused

Me - "I want to end on a good note and whenever I push myself (or be pushed), it always ends with me getting hurt and it never ends well."

Andrea - "Is that story or is it true?"

Me - "It always happens that way."  {{{pause, breath, pause}}}  "Ok, when I broke my wrist, that was the first day." {{{Pause}}} "And my ankle was at the beginning and it was a spook. And the other ankle injury was in the middle of a great lesson.  And the tree was at the beginning of the course.  {{{laugh}}} You're right, it's a story and not true."

Andrea - "If you quit when your anxiety level went up, you teach your mind and body that the only release is to quit.  Anxiety will only heighten.  What is one thing you can do to be successful?"

Me - "I could do that line."

Andrea - "That's a forward two or a calm three.  Today you and Sugar are doing it in 2.5, could you make a plan to do it in 2 or 3?"

Me - "I can do it in 3."

And we jumped... 3 perfect strides calmly focused on a pleasant pony.  And I smiled.  I totally understood exactly what she meant and why it was so important not to quit "while ahead" when our anxiety was shooting upward.

I could go on with the lessons I learned and maybe will in another post.  For now, you've either thought, "Hey, good stuff!" or, well...  you aren't even reading this line.  This clinic was a powerful learning tool for me.  I was able to talk about my issues, in the moment and have a professional who is also an instructor question my reality at the moment it happened.  Truly a powerful experience.

Demons exist in the stories we tell ourselves...  The purpose of this clinic was to reach into the places they dwell and expose them to the light.  Huge thanks to Andrea Waldo for having the tools to help exorcise them. 

GAME CHANGERS

Stories make us sleepy

Have you ever had someone, something or some event have such an impact in your life that what was known was now new?  Of course you have!  Life is but a series of Game Changers and decisions that define the journey.

Way back when, at a time where life was a series of confrontations of being "good" or going "bad", my field hockey coach, Mrs Steedle saw something in me...  something that was a little bad that might be the beginnings of a path of near awful.  Seventeen, an A student and a popular athlete, my peeps and I enjoyed a bit of the party scene...  just a bit, but teetering on the edge of...  well, more (going "bad").

One Friday night after a game, she called me over to discuss the win and asked if I was going to the dance that evening.  Somehow, she mentioned the "party scene", looked me in the eye and said, "You know you're fun to be with (I was) and I bet you don't need alcohol or pot to have a good time.  And, I bet you're even funnier with out it!  What do you think?" 

You know, that moment changed my life.  I actually did think I was funnier and had a better time sober yet, Mrs Steedle made it a challenge that I could not ignore. 

Everyone thinks this place is pretty!

So, you say, what brings on this esoteric thought and long story telling?

Simply, today I felt pretty...

Way back when I first bought Sugar, my then trainer competed her.  There were many reasons to do so which included being treated for breast cancer (year 1) and then breaking my wrist (year 2) and to keep her going at a higher level as I worked to take over the reins.  During that era, I considered my self Sugar's groom and not her owner/rider/trainer.  I acted that part by staying in the shadows, scurrying around to keep her clean and never really cared about how I looked.

At the very first Event, after I switched to the new (and current) trainer, she asked me to walk the Training course with her.  I was surprised when she asked me what I thought about a combination, or an approach to a particular jump.  "Me?  You want my opinion?  Me?  I don't ride at that level, what can I tell you?"  Since I did manage to actually squeak out my surprise, she matter-of-factly said, "Well, you ride her and have watched her go many times, of course you can offer your opinions!"

Yes!  Rider-Trainer-Owner

A game changer - I was the rider/owner/trainer!  I kid you not, from that point on, I rode her better and my whole demeanor changed from a passive observer to a key member of Sug's event team.

So why does feeling pretty warrant a blog writing?  Today in a Sales Meeting full of sharks and new folks, I had the confidence gained from a good hair day, appropriate fitting fashionable outfit and shoes.  Today, at work, I looked like the rider/owner and trainer...

My BSIL has been staying with me and challenging me to be better organized, better balanced and... yes, better groomed - a game changer.   "How do you get her so white?"

She's leaving me soon and I will be sad and still very grateful for the gifts she gave me.  And now, if she would only stay around long enough to help me upgrade my look at horse shows when hot, tired and dusty...

WINNING!

Gosh, I wish that title meant that we, Sugar and I, are back in the game!  Alas, I just got the ok from Orthopedics to go back into full work and the "proposed" first Event is the University of New Hampshire Summer Horse Trials in July.  (Sugar's first event was GMHA on 6/1- more about that later.)

Winning is still winning even if it means winning the Area 1 Adult Riders Scholarship "to promote knowledge of and skill development in the sport of eventing" through writing and not actually riding.  My essay was simple and should be no surprise to anyone who reads this blog:

Addendum to the USEA Area 1 Educational Scholarship Application

Every rider in some way or another struggles with nerves. As a Competitor, it sometimes comes as part of showing, attending a clinic or even a lesson. We know it, work on it and learn to live at peace with it…

And, when “nerves” become a bit more like anxiety and sometimes becomes debilitating, a person either quits or seeks out professionals who can help them walk through the walls holding them back.

When we were care free!

For me, I was always a worried rider but when I got seriously hurt competing at Groton House Farm in 2010, worry intensified into full blown anxiety attacks. My, already fragile, confidence was shattered after my horse slipped and fell on me after jumping a wall during a foxhunt. Although neither of us were hurt, I would break down before and during jumping lessons. It was not a pretty sight.

I worked on these very serious issues with a Psychologist specializing in PTSD work. I got better and began to function again. Jumping was still hard work but my brain did not shut off. Even though I was not riding at the level I was before the accident, there was slow progress.

As I healed, the issues became as much about dealing with an athletic, opinionated spooky mare as my nerves. My psychologist tried but could not help with the riding issues and resulting anxiety. I believe that a Psychologist that events and teaches riding could be the final spot of glue that pulls the pieces together. 

You might say, “You could quit rather than putting yourself through this.” I would reply, “For two years preceding the fall, my most challenging part of eventing was the dressage warm up or maybe getting by the judges box without a spooky tight horse. I know we can get back what we lost (without the antics in the warm up or tightness, hopefully) with just a bit more “specialized” help. Eventing is what I want to do – no doubt about it.

Used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

This scholarship will help me put together an intensive workshop with Andrea Waldo, founder of the Stressless Riding program.. It will be structured as follows:  

• Day 1 – Therapy first, then a lesson
• Purpose – talk about what is going on before riding, then have Andrea teach me after the session
• Day 2 – Therapy during a lesson 
• Purpose – talk me through my anxiety during lesson
•  Day 3 – Lesson first, then Therapy
• Purpose – lesson, then help me cope with moving forward 

Finally, as a blogger and writer for Optimum Minutes… I’ll be able to effectively communicate the experience to others and make it fun and educational.

Suzanne Adams – Rider
Fame & Frolic (aka Sugar) – Horse

So the dates for my very own behavioral health (crazy, middle-aged master rider)clinic are 6/14-6/16.  No matter what the result, it will be worth the effort and I am very grateful to have this opportunity.

YAY ME!

BENCHED

Gosh, it is soo embarrassing to walk away from one's writing and then, just hop right back in hoping that I am not forgotten....  That perhaps, folks will read it once again....  Alas, feeling sorry for oneself does, in fact, suck the life blood out of creativity.

Not me, Sugar's new
foxhunting friend!

Benched...  Oh, not forever, not from a horse related injury and certainly nothing "career" ending...  You see, I kind of, somewhat, perhaps, injured/aggravated my right knee.  It is one of those injuries that makes a "Master" rider feel old, like really old.  And, this Master Rider, has no patience for waiting and yet, has to wait for an orthopedic appointment to determine if said noise/grinding/pain is just arthritis or a tear in a the cartilage needing some cleanup work.

So, I ride without stirrups, do sitting trot instead of posting, cantering and hacking...  Hmmmm, I might come out of this "rest" a better rider.  Yay me!

Sugar has made more friends...  She's got a young 20 somethin' jumping and playing with her while her horse (the famous Pink Pony) is rehabbing from a slight injury.  And, Sug found another "Master" rider, like me, also rehabbing her precious foxhunter, to enjoy the pleasures of foxhunting in the Spring.

And, I get to watch...

Sug's very own 20 something'!

{{{{{Hmmmmmm, do I hear violins being gently stroked as I prepare to whine about my loss?  Um, NO!}}}}}

You see, I love to watch!  I love to take my time and groom her until all that white gleams in the sunshine as I get to watch!  And, I love to play as a photographer...  Love!  Love!  Love!

Yet, I sometimes feel that time is passing me by and that I may never get back what I lost.   It is those moments, sitting with ice on a sore knee, or taking a bad step or failing miserably at posting, I can hear the pity pot calling my name.  It speaks softly and calls. "Come here lil' girl, sit a spell and stew your self doubt, add unmet expectations and sprinkle your thoughts with whining...  I will help you make this little inconvenience worse."

The orthopedics appointment is 5/28...  In the mean time, I close the door on the pity pot and revel in the watching from the bench!

HEAVY HEART - HEALING PONY, HEALING PUPS

It's 4:40pm on April 15, 2013.  My heart is so heavy that it feels like it will break.  My screen is filled with the circular images of the moment's news... Two bombs exploded at the finish of the Boston Marathon. 

My chicas at the Red Sox game
on 4/14/13

The Boston Marathon...  Since my move in 1991 from NJ to MA, I've watched the Marathon in Natick and at the finish many, many times.  I've volunteered at the Hynes Convention Center to hand out the runner's packets and wildly shopped for souvenirs at the runner's trade show.  And in my late thirties, I dreamed of running it.

The Boston Marathon...  always on a Monday... on the State holiday called Patriots Day.   Boston is filled with runners from all over the world.  You know who they are, their bodies are lean, their faces are taut with the fitness of an athlete...  you smile and wish them well.  For this weekend, they are our heroes... And, every year...  that's right, every year...  you wish you were one of them.

Fenway Park 4/14/13

I know my peeps are safe...  my niece, a nursing student at Northeastern, left the area 45 minutes before the first bomb went off.  She was safe and waiting to hear from the friends she left still cheering the runners along... 

It's two days and five hours later,  the images haunt me, the thirst to know who and to know why is almost unbearable.  I choose to hold anger at bay...  that will come when I have answers...  I pray for those most affected - those physically hurt, those that had the most wonderful day crushed, the runners whose dream is no more and for us - the powerless.

Sugar offers comfort.  Her body needs currying, her feet cared for and she gives me, in return, soft brown (one half blue) eyes and a snuffling muzzle.  And, today she jumped for me in the wind under a darkening sky.  She made no fuss, caused no harm and willingly went over.  Today she gave me what I needed... and that is good!

Da Boys, in their doggy ways, needed me and demanded my attention.  Tonight, I had a cuddly, floppy hound and a busy, attentive lab.  Their unconditional response to my need was a gift and I felt love.

Family... my Barn Peeps, my BSIL, and my Jersey Breds all contribute to the goodness of my life...  I am grateful, truly grateful for the healing...  Life is Good!

HISSY FITS! (OR PERHAPS HUSSY?)

Fighting to come up out of the debris

Ah Spring!  The time of rebirth...  flowers peeping through last year's lost leaves, birds singing sweet love songs for all to hear and the air is filled with the promise of warm days to come.  Here in New England it bursts out of the winter like fireworks in a July sky!  It is one of the most fabulous displays of night into day...

And with it comes the HISSY FIT!  After a winter of cold, long gray days locked in the confines of an indoor arena, you can feel the energy begin to build and eagerness start to soar.   The slightest change can cause leaping and bounding or quiet agitation waiting for its release.  A request to move forward or when asked for more often results in a flash of anger and a look that says, "Watch out!  I will let go...!"  Sometimes, you have to take a step back and approach even more gently than you did in January.

"Sugar", you say, "Wow, she does sound like a bit of a diva!  Poor thing!"

Oh, I was actually talking about myself.  I only wish I had an owner that would gently bring me down to the ground and assure me that, "I'm a good girl!"  And, "You'll be fine once you get outside again and jump around... It's all gonna come back to you!  Don't worry!  You'll be fine!"

The great news is that Sugar is actually taking Spring quite well (if you don't count windy days in her paddock)!  No lost brain moments leaping out of control...  She's been a lady.  Not sure my coworkers would say the same thing about me...  just sayin!

Our season will be slightly behind when compared to our previous years but when it comes, the Hissy Fits will be much milder...  And that is good for us all!