Monday, May 14, 2012


A wise woman once said that life is a journey...  that people, places and things come your way and things change...  that decisions made are for that moment and that moment only... every path is just a way to the future and not to a final destination.

Wise words for a completer like me.  You see, I live in a goal oriented world, go to a job where you are only as good as your last result which fades quickly as you seek the next.  A Human Doing rather than a Human Being. Coming back has been hard and the path hasn't been the direct route.  And, it's even a bit unsettled... so much, that this goal setter/completer is just a bit lost.  

Why so deep and somber for a Monday morning, you ask?

Our outing at King Oak Farm's Spring Horse Trials did not go as planned.  I withdrew after dressage because I did not believe I would win the effort it would take to get Sugar to jump fence two on XC.  And, my ability to absorb another humiliation, another fall, another bad go... whatever, is on the very short side.

Used with permission
KOF is a wonderful well run event.  It has everything you need to enjoy yourself - quick scoring, access to rest rooms, great XC footing and a safe course "for horses with experience at this level".  It is also a busy, electric environment and one of the first events in Area 1.  So this is not about them but about me.

That second fence, a big hay feeder filled with hay bales, would be a challenging fence for my spooky mare even if it were deep into the course.  There I would have had momentum and a horse who understood what her job was.  We would have gotten over it easily - maybe with her questioning my desire but if I said do it, she would.  As the second fence,  shortly after the first, it would have been a major spook-fest.  I did not think I had the cojones (balls) to get the job done.

It was a similar question that I lost the night before on a lovely, relaxing hack with my Bestest Eventing Buddy.  This time the scary beast was an imovable tractor - the very same one we walked by just a week earlier.  Without spurs, I kicked my backwards/trying-to-spin-spooking-mare forward...  Ultimately unsuccessfully as she propped, leaped and spun me off and went galloping down the road.

Fellow Eventers are awesome and I believe it is one of the reasons this difficult sport is so much fun.  Not one of them thought I was ridiculous, a chicken or wimpy.  They supported my decision and quite a few, after they finished, agreed that it was a difficult second jump.

So my path is uncertain but I am walking on it... and proceeding forward.  It may mean staying at Beginner Novice until I have the confidence to tell my spooky mare, every time she has doubts, that her only job is to carry me safely across jumps... 

Who really knows?  What I do know is that this is just another path heading into my future...


KC said...

One day at a time, one step at a time. You made the right choice for you and Sugar, and I have no doubt you'll be back to greatness! I love your honesty and vulnerability that so many people are afraid to show and examine in themselves.

One of the things I love about this sport is that we are always changing, evolving, and trying to improve ourselves and our horses through ups and downs. Your journey is just entering a new chapter, that's all. Onward!

Suzanne said...

So, so true! I just wish it were easy... Thanks for your kind words!

Tricia said...

Good for you for trusting your gut and doing what you needed to do for yourself and your horse. The great thing about being an adult is that we get to make our own decisions-- ride/don't ride on any given day. Have cookies for breakfast at every opportunity-- whatever, it's our call.

You'll figure out what comes next for you two, and you'll find the timing that makes it comfortable for you both. And in the meantime, have a cookie while you're thinking about it!

SprinklerBandit said...

No wise words here, but just a hug. I totally understand where you're coming from.

How is it we both fell off this week and tried to do something hard this weekend? Ha. Weird.

Let me know if you find a magic formula to erase bad memories...