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| The beautiful hills of Scarlet Hill Farm |
I am officially in a funk... this isn't the funk of a body injured but of a mind that refuses to be controlled. The word CAN'T strengthens with every sigh...
Yesterday was the traditional "XC Schooling Day Before Groton House Farm Horse Trials"... Oh, It isn't really an official tradition but it happens every year at the same time even if it appears spontaneous. And, it has that same feel - tension, excitement and joy preparing for a big Event.
For me, I could've cried the whole time if it wasn't such a beautiful day filled with wonderful riders on a beautiful farm. You see, I wasn't mounted, wasn't getting ready for GHF and wasn't sure I could ever do this again... happy, joyous and free.
It's been one year since I hit the tree at Groton House Farm Horse Trials... It been a year and one week since I planned my move up to Training... And, today I'm still lost... wondering how to make a come back.
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| Two weeks before GHF 6/11 |
Folks have been amazingly supportive and for that I'm grateful. Working with my Professional Friend doing PTSD work has been great, yet I believe we've reached the end of helpfulness when the PF makes riding rather than brain suggestions.
My Bestest Eventing Buddy suggested that I stop being so honest since the result of such honesty has been strong, consistent and sometimes forceful suggestions that I sell Sugar and get something easier to ride. And, Sugar isn't an easy ride... She is wonderfully complex... "quirky" said one clinician.
Yet for 3 years... three seasons, we rocked the jumping phases. We may have been an Angry Mare in the warmup, spooked at everything in the dressage arena... but, that moment when I came off the XC course ... that moment crossing the finish line was worth every penny, every second, every struggle... it was sheer heaven.
I had that for three years.... And, its just a little lost right now.
This blog is about a path... Today I hear the word "CAN'T" and I chose not to accept it but to be honest about where I am today. Maybe some of you have felt the same way... Maybe you have triumphed over the broken mind... And, maybe, just maybe my honest and my path offers you something helpful...
So, unless I win the lottery, Sugar is mine. You may want me with an easy ride, you may want me to sell her. You may even think that I'm foolish for loving a horse over ease and safety. (Trust me, I do love Sugar AND if I truly thought I was in danger, she would be gone... in a heart beat.)
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| Searching for the Can... |
Whatever you think, right now... I ask one thing and one thing only. Believe in me. Believe in Sugar and I as a team. Support me and just as I must do for myself, remove the term CAN'T from your vocabulary.
Attitude is the great fortune teller. If I believe I CAN'T, that will become my reality... TODAY, I can. And TOMORROW, I will.
12 comments:
I have been in your place. Not after a bad fall, but after the imaginary devils getting in the way of every jump, every training session, every goal. Don't know why.
A few weeks ago it just fell away. I don't have any idea why or how, but I feel more focused and determined than I have in years and year.
I think our brains can spend a long time trying to stop us from doing/enjoying something risky. But I believe that sooner or later, if we refuse to give in - it will actually SHUT UP.
Don't give up, it will work out.
Think about what you and your horse are going to do together, not on what you and your horse aren't going to do - just keep your focus on what you want and much of the other stuff may fall away for both you and your horse. Easy to say, sometimes harder to do . . . sending best wishes.
I understand not wanting to part with your horse. I love eventing and really want to do it but I don't know if it would be worth giving up my best friend. There are a lot of other, wonderful things out there to do and maybe you guys just need a little break for a while.
Whatever happens and whatever you decide you can or can't do I wish you the best.
Thanks Barbara... I know it will and hearing it from others is so inspiring!
Kate, your experience and honesty has been helpful... And, I actually took your suggestion on my ride tonight... It made a very spooky ride calm and productive! Thanks!
I understand completely, actually! I'm right there with you: in confidence rehab. It's really hard. All I can do is say that it's not just you and tell you that I'm plodding through the valley of doubt too. I'm just working slowly and methodically, on the flat and over small fences. Trying to rebuild my faith in Rev and hers in me while fixing my position.
Hang on there; I am right here with you.
AA Event Rider,
Long time reader - From what you've posted since I started reading, you are a "CAN" rider. Glad you are doing the PTSD therapy - that's instrumental in coming back from trauma. Of course you need to ease back into competition - you need to move forward however works best for YOU. If that means telling the terrible voices in your head to, "SHUT IT!", then do that! If it means excusing yourself in the middle of competitions, do that - this is all about doing what you love, whichever way you can. You are on the right track for you AA, it's nobody else's track.
This part is so much harder than the physical rehab, isn't it? I don't know the answers, but I'm definitely in the same place. I've backed way, way off and made it easy for myself. I don't let myself overthink anything (especially XC) and just go through the motions to get it done, then try to focus afterwards on how it was a successful experience. So far, so good.
Hang in there. I mean, we do this for fun. Find a way to make it fun and you're golden.
For each ride I tell myself what I want to work on but have no expectations as to how it will work out. My only expectation is that I will try....
Stop fighting the fear so much. Sit with it until you are bored with that feeling. Stop your horse and let it wash over you. Sit in the saddle and embrace it until your mind switches over. It will and you will find that you are ready to do something. An idea will come; go with it. I have some experience with this feeling. Hope that helps.
I also don't know the answers but I believe you Can.
Hang in there! I applaud you for being faithful to your 4-legged friend and so committed to rebuilding. Coming back after a scary, and painful, experience is really hard. Visualization may be helpful. Picture yourself and Sugar going over the jumps, coming into the fences at just the perfect spot, the exhiliration of flying over the jump, and landing smoothly then cantering on. Picture this and go through the motions, breathing steadily, talking Sugar through each stage. Try it while sitting on an exercise bike or Sugar's back as she just stands near a jump. Try it standing on the ground near her as she grazes, describing to her what you two are experiencing. Picture the jumps each time and feel them in the most perfect unison with Sugar. You are an analytical person, so use your mind to overcome fears and doubts. I believe you and Sugar can do this!
I have to say, lots of powerful insight. I myself am just getting back into the evening swing after five years of not riding altogether. Five precious years...
But don't think of it as can't - make it 'don't like' instead.
You know you love jumping. Your heart leaps over every cross country fence in time you go over one...the hardest part is climbing into the saddle and saying "I'm afraid, I don't like that feeling, but I'm here, and Sugar has never let me down when she could avoid it". And then you take baby steps. Cross rails. That tiny log out on the BN schooling section. Cantering through a tiny section of water. Heck, if I could get a trailer to get my horse to Scarlet Hill you could come out and watch the fool my greeny is going to make of himself.
Evening is the ultimate test for the horse and rider pair. Without the horse's athletisism and complete trust in you, you could never sail over jumps and feel like you had wings. She can physically do all of it - it is the course designer who is trying to psyche you out. She needs your calm assurance that if she jumps, there will be a landing on the other side. And with that assurance, you can let her find her feet and carry you onward.
The scariest step is the first one.
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