Thursday, March 19, 2015


I am what I am...  So many thoughts, so many emotions and I've been keeping the extent of them to myself...  My head says, "Uh, don't write that... folks don't want to read stuff like that."  And it says when I yearn to type more words, "Please, are you just looking for attention?  Are you waddling in sadness for an affect?" 

My heart softly pushes out that negativity and answers, "Tears will always have their day...  It's the secrets that you keep that hold the heart hostage.  To heal, you have to let go."

One of my blogging buddies (, also a Jersey Girl who loved her very own Sugar texted me today.  She suffered the loss of her beautiful and sainted mare back in August and asked me how I was doing.  And, she encouraged me to write, to get it out of my head until one day... the hurt doesn't feel so deep and the loss so lonely.

And, in the spirit of a "confessional" blog, I would be lying if I didn't say that it is all still so surreal.  Two weeks later, I can not believe that Sugar is no longer in my life.  Did it really happen?  I'm mostly ok.  Then the ache and emptiness actually feel physically painful.  Did it really happen?

Her necropsy came in and, there was no big surprise - right front superficial digital flexor tendon - acute rupture with associated hemorrhage and severe edema.  So, I ask you why was I so focused on the additional comment that her body score was 7/9 (fleshy).  "YOU'RE CALLING HER FAT?!!"

I immediately contacted the Bestest Eventing Buddy for a reality check.  If anyone can put this right, she can...  {{{mumbling to myself...  she weighed 1393 lbs which was less than the 1471 in March of 2014 and significantly less than the 1561 in June 2010... dear god, she wasn't fat!}}}

So, as only the BEB can do, the exchange goes like this:

BEB (Soothing Statement) - The funny thing is that she lost weight... she was way heavier last year. Probably just getting older - you know higher fat to muscle ratio.  Don't be bothered by it, she was happy to the end and that's all that matters.

BEB (Cause she can not resist):  Essentially - "Dear Suzanne,  Please accept our condolences on the loss of your beloved mare, Sugar.  By the way, she was fat.  Love Tufts.

ME:  I know, that is all I could read.  Thank god they put Oldenburg instead of the abbreviated OLD.  OLD and Fat would have killed me.

BEB (cause she can not help herself):  "So sorry for the loss of your OLD obese mare.  Please let us point out ALL the areas in which she was extra-fatty!"   And you should reply, "remember when I brought her in 5 years ago and she weighed 1534 lbs?  You said she looked great, and now, she's 150 lbs LIGHTER and you're calling her fat?  I CAN'T PLEASE YOU PEOPLE!  She's gone, can't you let her rest in peace???

The laughter in my office caused quite a stir.  Thank you BEB for making me laugh...  To Jersey Girl blogger for giving me voice and another thanks to Newbie Eventer for continuing send me your memories...  And, really to all of you for making me smile and the loving energy your thoughts, words, cards, texts and messages provide.  Thank you!  Thank you!


Amy said...

Part of me feels I shouldn't be laughing, the other part is absolutely rolling. "BTW, she was fat. Love, Tufts" and "OLD and fat." Dear God, I can't help it, still giggling even after reading it several times. Bless you for your courage and for allowing your great sense of humor to help get you through this. And I'm glad to have helped. You certainly helped me go through my rough time.

emma said...

you have amazing friends :)

SprinklerBandit said...

Glad you're finding the humor. Hugs to you.

Jodi said...

Friends can be the greatest thing in the world :) You took very good care of your horse and nothing else matters.

redheadlins said...

Love that you are finding the laughs even in the pain.

eventer79 said...

Late as I am (I'm so sorry, I have not even been able to read anything for weeks), still sending many hugs your way. I admit that, although I was pretty practical about all things ending before, losing my fiance to brain cancer 2 yrs ago really brought the point home. Although, really, couldn't life OCCASIONALLY make points in a nice way???

But it also strengthened my resolve to cherish moments even more. A random person said to me at a 2007 clinic with Solo when I told fiance he really didn't need to take pics of us walking, "Hey, you never know which ride will be your last one." It stopped me in my track then & still does; she was so right & I have to laugh (b/c crying sucks) at the poetic irony that it applied to both of my boys in its own way.

Grief is hard. But you have always had the gifts of insight & humour & those are irreplaceable when it hits us.

I've decided that yes, massive, life-eating, future-destroying loss is terrible & I would not have chosen it...but the fact that there was loss means that you had something in the first place.

We will all lose or be lost or both, and the things/partners we love most will hurt the most. But it's because they gave us so much & made our lives so much more. I'd give just about anything to have one more day-but I'd never give back gift of the days we had & I'll polish those memories as long as I can hold on to them.

Sugar took you on a wonderful journey & I am so glad you both got to be so special to each other.

All our love,
That Orange Horse Gang