Monday, March 30, 2015


There is a process to grief/loss that is well documented.   For the last week, I've gone through a catalog of moments wondering if I did the right thing and then criticizing my choices, judging my worthiness as a partner/friend and owner. 

Sometimes, it's thinking that I should've spent that Sunday night brushing her shedding coat until it glistened brilliantly white and then, wondering if I did enough to ease her pain on that fateful Monday night

A Wise Woman called it Awfulizing...  wanting new pain to replace the old pain in an effort to rush through the pain.  The truth is...  all in good time. 

Red Hills 2015
The confirmation of the life's bittersweet reality came in the mail today.  I recieved the payment on her Sug's mortality policy.  The insurance company did not wonder if we did enough, loved her enough..  Nor did they question the severity of her injury and our subsequent decision to humanely end her suffering.  No, they gave me a check.

It's bittersweet... I have the money to find a new partner, but I would give it back if I could curry that coat white or yell at her for running like an idiot in her paddock or even, watching that big white buttocks galloping away.  It's bittersweet...  the next partner/friend will combine the best of Sugar with a little less diva and more snuggly pony.  It's bittersweet because I'm excited for the possibilities and so sad that it won't be with her.

In honor of my friend, I'm taking a small portion of the proceeds and sponsoring a fence or two this eventing season.  The first will be a stadium jumping fence at Groton House Farm Horse Trials.  It's appropriate to thank Sugar, for giving me so much material to write this blog, by giving back to the sport I love (and, she liked).

And Groton House was the start of my dance with dealing with fear and anxiety after a bad fall - The Tree Incident.  This makes me smile...

And if in celebration of her life, I kissed a kissable nose tonight in the shadow of her stall thinking, "All in good time!"


emma said...

what a lovely tribute to Sugar's memory!

Bee Tea said...

What a great way to honor her memory! It's never easy to process through the grief but doing little things like sponsoring a jump are ways to help heal and bring a smile to your face when you remember all the good times you've had together

Holly said...

Love this post! What a great tribute to her. Hoping she helps you find a new pony.

Sarah said...

Awfulizing - such an apt word for it. Sending hugs.