INTRODUCTIONS

Hello!

I am a greeter by nature.  Not really a Walmart Greeter but that friendly (dear god, please don't say intrusive) person that smiles, says hi and asks you about your horse.  It comes in a gush, "Love your braids", "Your horse is beautiful", "Great ride!"  "How'd you do?"  and on and on and on.

I am paid (again not a Walmart Greeter) to meet people, get to know them and help them feel comfortable and I help them with their problems.  I always said that the first date for me was easy.  Engaging a stranger in conversation, encouraging them to share their secrets and making them feel at home.  (Now, do not ask me how I do on dates beginning with #3....)

Eight weeks after I said good bye to the love of my life, Maisy  came to New England to enjoy our weather and the ministrations of an expert groomer and Sugar's former staff member.

Foxglen's Lady Margaret
aka Maisy

It was an arranged marriage with a very short dating period (one day).  It was a wonderful day, where I tested her hand gallop (floaty and uphill) and jumped a vertical or two.  My chaperone, Newbie Eventer, also rode her and jumped even bigger jumps and loved her so.  Now, just 4 rides into our relationship, I want her to tell me everything and I want her to tell me NOW! 

Ahhhh, patience!  A wise woman once told me to think more about grounding myself than seeking patience for being grounded is about centering the excitement and being patient only holds it a bay.



Used with permission
www.dexterpix.com

Oddly enough, my strength and confidence in doing things with Sugar came from the familiarity of a ten year relationship.  I knew what she would do in any given instant.  I could feel her energy and I knew what I had under me.  Her ears and her body conveyed what was coming and it was up to me to deal with it whatever it was.

I knew that Sug would jump if I told her to jump.  I knew she would spook, at what and when.  And, in my heart, wrong or right, I knew that if I could meet her, everything would be ok!



Our first solitary hack
No Spook... what a nice surprise!

But, what of Ms Maisy?  Was I so filled with the love of her gallop and the promise of more that I forgot to find out if she enjoyed evenings over jump courses?  What if this beautiful hunt horse who can jump a 4' coop on a fox hunt has no desire to jump da jumps in the ring? 

Dear god woman, did you not ask the right questions? 

I did.  Now, Maisy, it is just you and me.  Will you tell me your secrets?  Will you tell me them NOW?

Somewhere I hear the echo of my beloved Lil' Pinto Pony saying, "All in good time...  All in good time!  Enjoy the moments as she tells you her stories...  Enjoy!"  


{{{Maisy, aka Foxglen's Lady Margaret is a 9 year old 17.1H IDSH (sire Foxglen Himself out of a Hannoverian Mare).  She has hunted First Flight with a VA hunt, schooled XC and SJ but has not evented.  She is to be my Event Horse who hunts.}}}}

ON A JOURNEY

Used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

A wise woman once told me that IF you view life as a destination - a place to get to, things to accomplish, results to be made - you will always find yourself in a position of failure.  That to live life as a journey allowing every step you take to be just another path towards a life that is well lived, you can only succeed.    


And in not so distant a past, a "professional friend" asked me to think hard and try to remember a time where change resulted in something terrible.  I immediately thought about leaving a secure position to take a job with a crazy, bullying boss and then, remembered that it led me to a new and better job that provided me with the means and the people that helped make my dream of owning my own horse come true.

Shopping for a new partner has been an amazing, wonderful, tearful, exciting, disappointing and interesting experience.  And, I think I may have a new friend, pending the Pre Purchase Exam (PPE).

And that, my friends, has filled me with angst.  She (wasn't it supposed to be a boy?) is a pretty gray (but wasn't I supposed to get ugly and bay?) who has hunted first flight in VA(wait, wasn't it supposed to be an event horse?).  I can not stop wondering if I'm making a mistake...  the "What ifs" are killing me. 

And then, I hear the Wise Woman...  "This is just another step forward in your journey, just another path to take" and I am comforted.  And, when the "What ifs" rise again, the "professional friend" whispers in my ear, "When has change done you wrong?"  I am comforted.

My Eventing Trainer said that I am still living with the memory of Sugar and putting everything in her shadow.  I knew her so well that even with some histronics, I had the confidence built from a long term relationship.

If this new lil' girl passes the PPE, I will have a lovely friend, with good gaits, an awesome jump who can gallop in her home field without leaping in the air.  I wonder and smile.  I guess my "professional friend" is right... Change is just another part of life's journey.

Shhhhh... I still miss that kissable nose!

PARTNER

Two of us barn peeps lost our partners this winter and together, we've tried to define this relationship whose loss causes so much pain.  And yet, neither of us would give up a second of what we had to avoid the feelings it's absence causes.

Red Hills 2015

They are not just horses and I would be the first to say that to label them as pets is demeaning.  They are so much more than that...

I used to say that Sugar and I were married.  Like an old married couple, sometimes we took each other for granted and sometimes we argued about little things (like spooking in the same corner for every ride, spinning me off at hay bales or, I'm sure, sharing her treats with Da Boys).  And, like an old married couple we knew what made each other happy, content and for the most part, enjoyed the same things.

The Perfect Pony (really a pony)

This barn peep struggled to describe her relationship with her lil' red pony.  She could not find the words to match her feelings.  He was her friend, someone she could snuggle with, tell her stories to, enjoy a good workout with and afterwards, just quietly be together.

They are not just horses.

I am now deeply in the search for a new Partner.  And, when I write emails, describe what I want, I can't say...  Looking for a new horse.  You see, I don't want a new horse.  I want a Partner and a friend.

When I write ages 5-8 (up to 10 ok), it's not because I think a 12 year old is too old.  No, older horses have a lot to offer and some, exactly what I need in a new partner.  I write ages 5-8 because I want a long term working relationship.  I think I want to marry again.



Sug and her Twenty Something Friend

And if I ride your sales horse and I break down and cry, know it's because I am both thrilled that I can feel good about getting another Partner/Friend at the same time I grieve the one I lost.  And, if I end up buying your sales horse, know that he/she will have a life second to none.

And Sugar, when I talk about what I'm looking for and what I don't want and your name comes up...  Remember, you were loved, cared for and adored no matter what. 

Even when I was cursing you as you galloped away, laughed at being DFL one more time or hugging you for the best ride ever, you were what you were and I loved you for it.

BITTERSWEET REALITY

There is a process to grief/loss that is well documented.   For the last week, I've gone through a catalog of moments wondering if I did the right thing and then criticizing my choices, judging my worthiness as a partner/friend and owner. 

Sometimes, it's thinking that I should've spent that Sunday night brushing her shedding coat until it glistened brilliantly white and then, wondering if I did enough to ease her pain on that fateful Monday night

A Wise Woman called it Awfulizing...  wanting new pain to replace the old pain in an effort to rush through the pain.  The truth is...  all in good time. 

Red Hills 2015

The confirmation of the life's bittersweet reality came in the mail today.  I recieved the payment on her Sug's mortality policy.  The insurance company did not wonder if we did enough, loved her enough..  Nor did they question the severity of her injury and our subsequent decision to humanely end her suffering.  No, they gave me a check.


It's bittersweet... I have the money to find a new partner, but I would give it back if I could curry that coat white or yell at her for running like an idiot in her paddock or even, watching that big white buttocks galloping away.  It's bittersweet...  the next partner/friend will combine the best of Sugar with a little less diva and more snuggly pony.  It's bittersweet because I'm excited for the possibilities and so sad that it won't be with her.

In honor of my friend, I'm taking a small portion of the proceeds and sponsoring a fence or two this eventing season.  The first will be a stadium jumping fence at Groton House Farm Horse Trials.  It's appropriate to thank Sugar, for giving me so much material to write this blog, by giving back to the sport I love (and, she liked).

And Groton House was the start of my dance with dealing with fear and anxiety after a bad fall - The Tree Incident.  This makes me smile...

And if in celebration of her life, I kissed a kissable nose tonight in the shadow of her stall thinking, "All in good time!"

ORDER! ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!

Oh I have many rules...

So, let me tell you some rules that I live by...  Use your blinker when you're making a turn.  Stop at Stop signs - that's what they're there for...  When appropriate, allow someone to merge particularly if it's a tough spot.  Don't text and drive.  Put the cell phone down and pay attention to traffic.  And, dear god, if you smoke, don't throw your butts out on the road - that's what ashtrays are for.
Phew, if we all played by my rules...  life would be so much better.  Well, it would for me!  ;-)

Three weeks and I am now entering the Bat Sh** Crazy (BSC) phase of recovery.  I want order in my life!  Somehow that has translated into, "I MUST HAVE A NEW HORSE!" 

Adventures with Friends

Gosh, I tried so hard not to get here.  I wanted to allow the universe to place the perfect pony into my path so that the two of us would ride and jump da jumps many years into the setting sun. 

Imagine the perfect partner and send it off to the Universe - big, sound, young with a heart of gold, game, spirited without histronics, who loved eventing and fox hunted.  He would be so happy to go on adventures with friends and also enjoy just being with me.  And, when I enter the barn, he would nicker his joy for what would be a thorough grooming and many treats.

Instead, 'I MUST HAVE A NEW HORSE!"  The desperation to fill that hole in my heart and to return to my orderly life spills into the search.   "Why can't the search features be better?"  "Why isn't your website updated?"  "Why must I check a so many websites?"  Why?  Why?  Why?  Until the WHY turns into whining about my fate... kind of sad and pathetic.  "First world problems!"

I would be sitting pretty if everything went my way!

I am so lucky that these are just First World Problems.  I have a job.  I can afford to feed, clothe and house myself and da boys.  I even can afford to have this "difficult' problem of finding a new partner.

The rules of my morning commute make me a safe driver.  Yet, what I really want is the old orderly life we led... evenings at the barn, lessons once a week, weekends adventures, the normalcy of future plans with my friend and partner.

All in good time...  All in good time! 

AS THE WORLD TURNS

I am what I am...  So many thoughts, so many emotions and I've been keeping the extent of them to myself...  My head says, "Uh, don't write that... folks don't want to read stuff like that."  And it says when I yearn to type more words, "Please, are you just looking for attention?  Are you waddling in sadness for an affect?" 

My heart softly pushes out that negativity and answers, "Tears will always have their day...  It's the secrets that you keep that hold the heart hostage.  To heal, you have to let go."

One of my blogging buddies (http://galsandhorses.blogspot.com/), also a Jersey Girl who loved her very own Sugar texted me today.  She suffered the loss of her beautiful and sainted mare back in August and asked me how I was doing.  And, she encouraged me to write, to get it out of my head until one day... the hurt doesn't feel so deep and the loss so lonely.

And, in the spirit of a "confessional" blog, I would be lying if I didn't say that it is all still so surreal.  Two weeks later, I can not believe that Sugar is no longer in my life.  Did it really happen?  I'm mostly ok.  Then the ache and emptiness actually feel physically painful.  Did it really happen?

Her necropsy came in and, there was no big surprise - right front superficial digital flexor tendon - acute rupture with associated hemorrhage and severe edema.  So, I ask you why was I so focused on the additional comment that her body score was 7/9 (fleshy).  "YOU'RE CALLING HER FAT?!!"

I immediately contacted the Bestest Eventing Buddy for a reality check.  If anyone can put this right, she can...  {{{mumbling to myself...  she weighed 1393 lbs which was less than the 1471 in March of 2014 and significantly less than the 1561 in June 2010... dear god, she wasn't fat!}}}

So, as only the BEB can do, the exchange goes like this:

BEB (Soothing Statement) - The funny thing is that she lost weight... she was way heavier last year. Probably just getting older - you know higher fat to muscle ratio.  Don't be bothered by it, she was happy to the end and that's all that matters.

BEB (Cause she can not resist):  Essentially - "Dear Suzanne,  Please accept our condolences on the loss of your beloved mare, Sugar.  By the way, she was fat.  Love Tufts.

ME:  I know, that is all I could read.  Thank god they put Oldenburg instead of the abbreviated OLD.  OLD and Fat would have killed me.

BEB (cause she can not help herself):  "So sorry for the loss of your OLD obese mare.  Please let us point out ALL the areas in which she was extra-fatty!"   And you should reply, "remember when I brought her in 5 years ago and she weighed 1534 lbs?  You said she looked great, and now, she's 150 lbs LIGHTER and you're calling her fat?  I CAN'T PLEASE YOU PEOPLE!  She's gone, can't you let her rest in peace???


The laughter in my office caused quite a stir.  Thank you BEB for making me laugh...  To Jersey Girl blogger for giving me voice and another thanks to Newbie Eventer for continuing send me your memories...  And, really to all of you for making me smile and the loving energy your thoughts, words, cards, texts and messages provide.  Thank you!  Thank you!

BETWEEN THOSE EARS

Best view of GMHA ever!

I am a discombobulated mess.  My heart aches and I have moments of tears, some depression wrapped around numbness.  Yet, I feel totally at peace even when missing her most.  The thought came - the weekend is coming and I'm not sure what to do with all this free time...  it's confusing.  See, I am discombobulated... 

Then, my peeps - Best Eventing Buddy, New Barn Girl, Red Headed Girl, Sugar's Twenty Something Friend, Dressage and Eventing Trainers (and so many Eventing and FB friends) - tell stories about my lil' pinto pony that fill my heart and really make me laugh.  Sometimes the laughter is so hard and the stories so raucous that I feel guilt and throw in, "I really loved her!"

Adventures with Friends

Folks have been amazingly kind and supportive.  And for that I am extremely grateful...  And even that doesn't convey the depth of my gratitude.  It fills my heart with warmth.  Thank you!

I will miss looking through those ears.  I will miss thinking...  I should pull her unruly mane.  I will miss the adventures we had, the folks we met together and all the things I planned to do this year with her.

Those big mare ears - ever alert to danger (mostly percieved) and so eager to pose.  It was always funny to pull her off the trailer and see the recognition in her eyes.  At a show, check!  Hounds? Ok, hunting, check!  Who is my trailermate today?  Must be going to a hunter pace, going to gallop or just a romp with a friend.  God, I will miss looking between those ears!

My favorite - trail riding with
Da Boys

Will you get a new horse?  (Actually those that know me just ask when will I get a new horse.) 

Yes.  I am that spouse married for 50 years, devastated by the loss of the love of my life and then happily remarries 3 months later.  We were no less in love but cannot live without that special bond between horse and human.  Life would be so bleak without this world...

Into the morning sunrise

I am lucky.  What I had with Sugar was as special as she was.  I was not left trying to debate what to do because it was clear what needed to be done.  I am in no rush.  Well, I'm not personally shopping until April.  As much as I WANT to, it's hard to move on...  I am in no rush... YET!

So, feel free to look for me.  The criteria is broad - Big, Jumps Da Jumps and not Ugly.  (The Bestest Eventing Buddy feels that beautiful doesn't work for me.)  (Shhhh, if "not Ugly" is beautiful, that would be nice!)

Finally, thank you so much for your kind and loving words.  And for you folks who really knew her and told stories, it helped keep me sane.  Thank you.  Words can not convey my gratitude even if I try. Thank you!