"Yeah, yeah, yeah... so you're busy! Work is wild and you're relapsing into your workaholism... so what? That's all you got for me? Seriously... suck it up and come on back..."
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| We have been hunting... awesome! |
{{{Wow, I do have a harsh inner judge living precariously in the depths of an overactive mind... phew!}}}
So, I've been thinking that this relapse was just about my workaholism and began to live the lie that once my busy season is over, I'll get back to my meandering. I'll delve into my creative side and the world will be brighter again. Yep, I do believe that was a lie.
I jumped yesterday and it was good. IT WAS GOOD!
You see, my lack of writing wasn't about being busy (maybe just a little bit), nor was it about lack of adventures... After being
dumped three times in less than 24 hours just before being eliminated at my last event, I began to believe that I would never be able to do this again. My lack of writing was about that little piece of me that was dying.
And, it wasn't the PTSD from a violent and painful collision with a tree. No, it was the true lack of confidence that I could ever fix what got broken in the 2011 Eventing Season. It was the demon that lurks in my brain that says, "This is way too hard!" Or worse the demon that screams, "You should be better, you should be jumping bigger and gosh darn it, "everyone" else thinks so too." {{{Note - one demon that doesn't exist is the one that used to say that I was ruining Sugar... HA!}}}
Did I mention I jumped yesterday and IT WAS GOOD!
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| And we've been happy! |
Shhhh, don't tell my demons that the jumps were no more than 2" and contained not one gate, wall or green rolltop. It was a course nonetheless.
Sugar was bossy with a tiny touch of a "hot-fit-spooky-mare-outside-on-a-windy-December-morning" attitude. She wanted it, was going to take it and to hell with any of your aides.
And, I came to realize that I ride that Sugar with my hand "believing" that her bossy "I've got it" movement towards the jump is in front of my leg and thus, quit using my leg. That ride does not get better.
"Ride her with your leg, kick her up into your hand and over the jump, half halt asking her to come back and if she chooses to say no... um.... MAKE HER!"
We finished with the rays of sun beaming down on us alluminating my heart... somewhere a harp played and angels laid red rose petals on the ground before us. I was happier than I've been in a long time.
One Demon, (I shall call Ego) came forward when I said to my Eventing Trainer, "I'm sorry that I'm being such a wimp and I know I should be jumping bigger and I don't want you to think you're wasting your time teaching me but..... "
She stopped me and said, "Suzanne, until you have a rideable horse before, over and after the jump, we don't need to be jumping big... we ended well and she was much more rideable than when you started. Soon... but not a second before she's ready."
Hope and happiness abound! It's gonna be a good winter!
