A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

So, this little confessional could simply start out as an apology to the blogging gods for falling flat on all the stories left untold.  Yet to do so would assume that what I write is something someone would miss.  And really, a little humility goes a long way... 

And, I'm not really sure that going on about my confidence issues or the little PTSD moments that find a way to surface or acknowledging the demons that still live in my brain are even remotely interesting anymore.  You see, even I grew tired of their presence... 

So, no apology..  just a picture...

Used with permission - Spotted Vision Photography

This is the moment, our first competition together, that I realized that I was riding Maisy...  really riding Maisy and not the ghost of my beloved Wild Thing (may she rest in peace).

I was galloping cross country on a horse who sees the world as a curious place.  Her body held eager anticipation of fun and of the joy of jumping da jumps. 

There was no fear, nor were her ears on high alert for danger.  She was happy to be outside on a beautiful day and looking for the jumps. 

I started the course with tense anticipation, worried about whether I could balance her or if she would jump me out of the tack in a green moment and I wondered what I would do if she stopped.  I worried out of habit.  For ten years, I had to have my honey badger grrrrr going on to convince Sug that cross country schooling was fun and that the zombie apocalypse would not happen over a jump.

That smile says it all.  The door has opened wide and I can't wait to gallop through!

Used with permission - www.connecticutphoto.com

So, our start for recognized events will be next year.  The Happy Young Professional has done an amazing job teaching Her Greyness the eventing ropes.  She still has some serious green moments that need some aging.  Like jumping off a Novice bank like its the Head of the Lake.

I believe there will be a schooling horse trial in October on my radar...  Yeah, I think that would be good!

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN!

"Contempt prior to examination is an intellectual vice, from which the greatest faculties of mind are not free.” William Paley in Evidences of Christianity*

Let me say one thing, up front... I hate to be wrong.  Yeah, that's right!  It is one of my vices.  You see,  although much improved, I still try to be right...  I am just less obnoxious on the "I told you so's!"  And at the risk of... um... disturbing some peace, let me ramble on.

Young Eager Teen

Let's talk Natural Horsemanship or what I like to call "Middle Aged Women Getting Ready to Ride Eventually Techniques".  I could go on and on listing my... um... not so quiet opinions of the carrot stick, the waving arms in the air, round pens, joining-up, parelli methods, etc.  Really when I see these folk "bonding" with their horses, I just want to scream...  Get on and Ride!  


Not liking it doesn't mean
stop...  Pressure
releases with acceptance

I am here to confess that I have been humbled...  really, truly humbled.  The Country Barn hosted a Ground Work Clinic (note - not designated as a Natural Horsemanship clinic - maybe I can still judge) on Sunday.  I signed up because I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and maybe get a tip or two to help get Maisy to focus (on me) without being too harsh.

I came to the first session (we were in the second) after helping a friend load her horse.  From the moment the Instructor, Susan Rainville, touched the rope halter, I was hooked.  She did not talk about magically and mystically bonding with your horse.  She didn't preach the ways horses acted in the wild and she did not ask us to buy fancy supplies to enhance our experience.


"You want me to do what?"

She said, these are the things that will both help your horse on the ground and in the saddle and that the basic movements are the lateral moves that strengthen and supple your horse.  Think of it as yoga.  And, that these practices can be done as a warm up to your regular ride and on the days that you have no time but need to work the horse.  

It was like magic!  Something simple, something that can improve my riding and Maisy's body and something that can be done easily.  Can I hear a HALLELUJAH?!!!!

The Barn's rope halter

The revelations just kept coming with each horse.  And, each horse that participated exhibited a different learning capacity.  We had the Young Eager Teen, the Sensitive Alpha Mare, the Rebellious Biker Boy, the Unruffled Cool Guy, Ms-I-Got-it, Maisy and Mr Distraction.   Every horse, every owner had a way of learning and the work was adapted for both the body and the mind. 

Maisy needed bending and suppleness (yoga) while understanding that the handler is the most important thing in the ring.  I need to learn how to coordinate the rope, whip, my hands and feet without cursing in frustration.  The Instructor demonstrated how I can help lift her front end and achieve lightness while asking for the bending that will strengthen her weak side.

When it worked, the results were amazing.  Her Greyness lifted her front end, eagerly crossed her hind legs while her attention stayed fixed on me.  I, on the other hand, struggled for that beautiful fluid motion of coordinated body parts.  Hmmm...  I think I see something here.... hmmmm!

And, so today I ordered a sweet, soft, fancy rope halter and rope.  You know, this being wrong feels so right!

WINTER WORKOUTS

“Should you find a wise critic to point out your faults, follow him as you would a guide to hidden treasure.” Buddha (really, it is a Buddha quote, no fooling!)

Once again I found myself at another, "Give-Peace-a-Chance-Breathe-Deeply-Envision-a-Perfect-Ride" sports psychology seminar focused on Anxiety in the Rider.  Yes, horse related practices once again... 

Always good to look at things again!

I signed up to support the New Barn Girl 'cause I've been to every training, every seminar, therapists, energy healers and I know how to do TFT/EFT, meditate, take rescue remedy...  I'm all set with the Anxiety issue... no need to go for me....  All set!  

 Then, at my last jumping lesson, I looked at my ever-patient Eventing Trainer and said, "Um, I guess I need the clinic for me... huh?!"  She just shook her head and said, "You really need to ask?"  Sigh...

Anxiety happens...  And, it happens to everyone...  And, it can be good if appropriately evaluated, and embraced.  It can stimulate, protect and yes, paralyze.  You just gotta figure out how to deal with it and how to make it work for you.

So, she gave us an Anxiety Scale for Training (doubt that is what she called it).  If you are always working in the 1-4 range, there is no growth/training - you are basically status quo.  Training takes place in the 5-7 range - there is stress but you (horse and human) are open and able to learn/improve.  

If you hit an 8 - 9, your body reacts and your brain begins to work on survival mode - Training/learning does not happen.  If you hit a 10, you are in survival mode and reactions are most likely instinctive.

 The goal should be to ride more often in the 5-7 range and if you hit an 8, back off - rinse and repeat.  Oh, she did say that riding in the comfort zone is fine, just be aware of it and what it is.

Looking bold but not so much!

So Ms Maisy, let me introduce you to Winter Work.  You see, my love, left to our own devices, we've been in the comfort zone rarely kicking it up to a 5.  Our Trainers have been good enough to push into the 5-7 range but, really... how often is that?  I believe that we've, kind of, settled into the riding version of a big comfy couch clutching a glass of warm milk and watching re-runs on Netflix.  

So Ms Maisy, our comfort level is set at a 7.  I promise you that we will back it down if you're stress level kicks into an 8 due to the high winds and pelting debris against the indoor wall or if all your friends leave the indoor at once.  Yes, we will push ourselves out of lethargy while being clear that our plan can be changed where appropriate.  But, Ms Maisy... think 7!

 And, maybe, the next time we jump, we've conditioned our bodies/minds to want to be at a 7 and, crossing into an 8 will be a mildly uncomfortable memory...  Wouldn't that be nice?!

JUST BE!

Ganesh - the Remover
of Obstacles

What we think, we become.  Buddha

 

We all know an Eeyore...  it's that person who always seems to have bad luck.  Things never go right for them no matter what... Life is always hard!  If you were to ask an Eeyore how was their day, they would have a long list of things that didn't go well.  Ask them what did go well and you'd stop them in their tracks - "nothing" would be their sad reply.  Eeyore's life is exactly what they want it to be because, "What we think, we become."

 

My confession this Sunday night...  I think I've become Maisy's Eeyore. 

 

Oh, did I mention that Maisy's Happy Young Professional competed my Lil' Country Bumpkin at her first recognized Horse Trial?  Well, Maisy came out of the trailer and marched down to the dressage warm up as if she was a almost-ready-to-retire-Grand-Prix-dressage-horse.  

 

All Gussied Up - Like a Grown Up

By the time I walked down to watch, Maisy was in full warm up, ears soft, fancy prancing in a very tight electric environment.  I turned to a friend and said, "I know she's mine but dear god, if she wasn't I'd be lusting after that horse!" 

 

She entered the ring at a brilliant, relaxed trot and... wait... where is the spooking at the judges booth?  The letters?  Wait, why isn't she spooking at K?  Wait?!  That is amazing...  My Lil' Country Bumpkin did her first dressage test and scored a 28.4!  A 28.4!



 

Maisy and her HYP did well.  She was very green and jumped big but competently.  She did have a refusal at the first jump on the XC course.  She came out of the start box as if she knew exactly what she was doing.  My friend, watching, said it looked like she was confused, waiting for all the horses to follow her and stopped when they didn't.  It was the last bobble of the day and off they went with her green self getting bolder as they traveled over the course.

 

I haven't ridden well since then.  Oh, it didn't happen overnight...  Over the next two weeks, I couldn't get her straight, couldn't get her to hold herself up in the ring at a canter, and finally, couldn't even force myself to jump a cross rail by myself.  I was disgusted with myself and depressed...  "We'll just trail ride...  HYP and Dressage Trainer can show her.  They ride her better than I ever will...  I'll just get her fit."

 

We were signed up for a dressage clinic.  I wanted to cancel.  It would be in an indoor and Maisy hasn't been in one since the PPE and maybe not at all before that.  I didn't want to humiliate myself any further.  It was expensive and well, all we were capable of doing was the walk and was that worth spending the money?

 

"You know how to ride!  Why are you riding her like you don't?  Ride her exactly like you would have ridden Sugar!  You have the skills and ability to make this happen for the both of you!  Ride her like that!"

 

And, something changed.  I stopped worrying that I was ruining her, that someone rode her better than me, that it was so hard and I can't make mistakes or everything gained would be lost...  I stopped worrying and started to ride her.  Ride her just a little tougher, a little more demanding and much more confidently...  and, it was magical.  I felt that "I CAN DO THIS!" 

 

So, I dropped my entry into the mailbox.  Just a schooling show and at 2'3" Elementary and I am ok with that.  Just a mere 4 days ago, I had a lovely trail horse...  Now, I am an eventer with a green but eager event horse!

 

I CAN DO THIS!

 

 

 



READING THE END FIRST

Photo by Liz Kast
A pat for a good girl from a happy girl!

Here's a few confessions for you...  I like to read the last chapter of every book I read.  When watching a television series or a reading a book series, I google the plot summary so I know what's going to happen.  Oh, and here's another one, I read every spoiler alert and if you've seen the movie, I'll even ask you to tell me everything about it.  And, {{{here goes}}} it does not bother me a bit!  I just wanna know!

And if, in the moment, you asked me to tell you about our very first XC schooling lesson went, I would have gushed and smiled.  It was fantastic!  Oh, we did not jump anything but logs but we did it well! 



Water is fine!

You see, Sugar (god rest her soul), did not like XC schooling and for the most part was a wild spooky thang.  It took us 9 years to realize that Sugar was best at running a course and calling it a day.  The stop/start pace of XC schooling with horses leaving and galloping back was just too much for her to handle.   It was always a battle to keep her feet on the ground and to go forward over jumps without spooking.

Maisy, just jumps da jumps.  There is no hysteria, no reluctance to leave the group and no bold galloping with some leaping to get back to the herd.  She just jumps da jumps!  Weird isn't it?

Maisy's Twenty Something Friend
schooling her

Had the weekend ended on that note, my Lil' Country Bumpkin would have been my hero.  But I did not read the end of the book... Ms Maisy was a bit of naughty girl at the hunter pace.  Well, more than a bit but less than god awful.  I'll leave the details for some other day...  but, will continue to shake my head and say...  "Really?"

For all you new horse owners (and I do know a few of you), can we get a group hug?  When do the surprises stop?  When do you know and react effectively? 

A Wise Woman listened to my tale and said, "You know, in a year, you'll be laughing at this period and talking about the old "remember whens...  And, like delivering a baby, you forget the pain of childbirth and live with the love. It all works out!"

Do you think I can look up our story on Wikipedia? Maybe our Plot Summary can be googled?  Gosh, this living life on life's terms is really hard...  Where is a Wise Woman when you need one!

Well, she does Jump da Jumps!  And do you know what?  I actually feel that I can jump them too!  And, that IS good!

WEEKEND RAMBLINGS

Fancy dancy girl!

Maisy whinnied at me yesterday and I blushed like a school girl in the midst of her first crush.  "What? You know me? Me?  Does that mean you love me?  Me?  OMG, you do love me?"    Then I quickly looked around and ran down the Sugar checklist of needs:

• Is there enough hay? {yes}
• Do I need to adjust your flysheet? {no}
• Is your neighbor in the barn? {no}
• Are you hurt? {no}

By gosh, that whinny was for me!  OMG!  I think she knows me!

Playing hard to get!

And since this is gray day for rambling - Did you know that Lucinda Greene goes out for a run every morning before she teaches her clinics?

When the Newbie Eventer and I pulled into Ledyard Farm for her clinic, we saw a woman running up and down the hills of Boston's North Shore. She waived enthusiastically as we drove by and continued on at a very nice pace. And, later taught a kick a** eventing clinic all day in the hot sun looking as fresh and enthusiastic as she did when she started. God, I want to be more like her!

Did you also know that one of her major themes was telling the riders to dare to make mistakes. Being "perfect" is to stop learning and when we make mistakes we get stronger as riders fixing them. It was like a flow of energy released onto the field. She gave them the freedom to try and and the tools to get better. God, that works in everyday life!

After auditing the Lucinda Greene Clinic and watching the Bestest Eventing Buddy ride with Sharon White, I was pumped up with the need to master the one cavaletti set up in our barn's jumping field. 

You see I've been eyeing that damn cavaletti for two days trying to will myself to pop over it with my lil' country bumpkin.  And, for two days... walked away from it with all the past images of my mistakes and failings dancing through my need to jump.

Not me, BEB!

Shhh, I fell just a little more in love yesterday.  Maisy popped over it - big but simple - and, then we cantered up the hill just two girls with not a care in the world.

Today I answered my Eventing Trainer's text about Maisy's progress and finished with, "I think we're ready to jump with you!"  And, I smiled!  I think we're ready!

CHANGE OR MOVE ON!

Nothin' like a Lab

Thursday's company meeting was the quarterly report or "state of the union" and like a lot of company meetings it had its theme.  This one was that we must "EMBRACE CHANGE or wither as a company, afraid to move forward".  And, "More things will be thrown at us, some at a very quick pace because to succeed we MUST see change as essential and welcome it's activity." 

Finally, as we all sat in rapture of this motivational speech, came the kicker, "Some of you might want what you have in the past and may want the comfort of what was familiar... know that change will happen and if you feel the pull of resistance, feel free to move on."

Can I tell you a secret?  I cried today at the start of what was to be my first jumping lesson on Maisy.  Yes, it was nerves...  but there was something more. 

For whatever it's worth, good or bad, I knew Sugar.  I knew she would be spooky, quick to spin and more often than I liked, I could be spun off.  But, I also knew the rhythm of her stride, the cadence of her foot falls, whether the twitch of her ears was a good thing or a warning.  I knew her...  And, I still miss her...

Friday, I took Maisy over to the City Barn to get her back into the trailer for a short ride AND, if all went well, maybe jump a couple of logs in the XC field or, at least, work out in the open!  I did not have my big girl panties on and just did flat work and walked over some of the logs. 

Newbie Eventer needed to do ditches and the water complex before her event next week so we hacked over to it.  Her steed took a hard look at the complex, rocked backward and bravely went in. 

OHEC Water Complex

Maisy went to the edge hesitantly, dabbled one front hoof in the water and then, I felt started to drop to roll.  I was wrong, she gathered her hind end and jumped in, clearing what was a 4' imaginary jump.  After completely misjudging her actions, I popped off, mid-air, and landed with a splash dab smack in the center of the complex.  Maisy stood there looking at me confused at why I decided to go swimming.

Smiles for the future!

Change - Ten years of Sugar/Saccharine antics at green roll tops, lattice, hay bales, scary corners, farm equipment... you name it and I've never hit the water!  Hmmm, two thoughts - Maisy is not Sugar AND I've been there/done that and we're good!

Dressage Trainer looked at me before today's lesson and knew...  She said, "You're wishing that nothing changed, right?"  And, I cried.  And, then the Wise Woman in her said, "Change can be for the better, right?  And, maybe Change will be exactly what you need.  Welcome the changes as they happen and be sure you take the time you need... There is no rush."

Then we jumped.  Cavelettis to a vertical... nothing huge...  Just two girls learning to adjust to life's changes - together...  All in good time!

BUT, I FORGOT!

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned... It's been over four weeks since my last posting."   And this is one that just keeps circling my brain...  I forgot! 

Christmas is a beautiful time to celebrate!

No, I did not forget to write.  Work obligations, a "busy season" and maybe a tad bit of malaise is at fault for that.  I just never got to it. 

And, as I walk into the dark side of a middle-aged life, forgetting can be a bit worrisome and perhaps, a reflection of a mind already too full to add more tidbits without causing a slight spill of other such thoughts. 

You see, it came to a head, shortly after getting the proverbial "green light" to canter and progressively return to full work, that I have forgotten how to ride my lil' pinto pony.  12+ weeks of traipsing around the indoor with nary a move off the outside tract, I have become the epitome of a beginner rider.

Loving the canter!

I forgot the hundreds of tools I've been given to loosen up a tight, naughty girl...  (hmmm, that doesn't sound quite right for a G-rated post).  My brain is like mud as I try to remember the difference between renvers and travers.  And, is a leg yield done with the hips or shoulders leading?  And, can someone tell me why I am slumped over like the worse eq rider?  Am I flopping about?  WHERE ARE MY SEAT BONES?

Dear god, have I no skill left?

Sug and I had a lesson last night.  Our inner DQs', buried deep under the cob webs of "rehab" felt a fluttering... Could it be the memory of what was forgotten?  Of a past dressage experience worthy of a superstar? 

Wait...  who's blog is this?  I believe what I was recalling as a memory is, in fact, a fantasy...  I forgot...  Sugar and I rock the warm up as we practice our Beginner Novice/Novice/First Level Test while demonstrating grand prix (lower case intended) airs-above-the-ground.  

Oh well, 2015 is a new year and who knows?

Psssst, I also forgot how much I love to write!  Let's git 'er done!

A WORD TO THE WISE

First and foremost, let me apologize for years of whining and more recently, for three and a half years of words that probably should have been kept to myself.  For me, show nerves (anxiety) = verbal diarrhea.   Words just spray from my mouth like a garden hose giving life to the dry earth...

The All Knowing

So, for the most part, at an event, I am not your Go-To-Person for wise advice...  unless, of course, we have just finished any phase at a multi-day show or just came off of XC.  Then, I'm your girl!  Just sayin!

We are lucky to love a sport so intense, so hard and yet, so fulfilling physically, emotionally and spiritually that are very participation makes us one.  And, as a competitor, I truly know that I am as alone as I want to be... 

You see... Wise Women are everywhere!  And over the last 3.5 years of intense worry and fret, I want to share some of your gems:

"My trainer told me to repeat as often as needed, "I am calm, I am strong and I am capable!" stated Newbie Training Rider.

My go to ER kit

"When I walk XC and feel anxious,  I say, in cadence to my footsteps, I am so lucky to be here.  I am so lucky to have my horse, I am so lucky to be able to afford this sport, I am so lucky to be able to walk this course, I am so lucky that my horse and I can run this course, I am so lucky to be here."

"I take Rescue Remedy before the warm up.  It just keeps the voices quiet enough to get the job done."

"Stay in the moment.  Jump one jump at a time.  If you feel that you want to retire, jump the next jump."

"Ask yourself, is it real (in the moment) or a story (a possibility of happening in the future)?  If it's a story, get back to what is real." Stressless Riding (http://confessionsofanaaer.blogspot.com/2012/01/stressless-eventing-fact-or-fiction.html) and (http://confessionsofanaaer.blogspot.com/2013_06_01_archive.html)



Photo used with permission
www.connecticutphoto.com

"I work on slowing my brain down, by exhaling after every jump.  It gives me time to think and I think it relaxes my horse."

"This is a gift for me... every second I'm in the saddle I just thank god that I have the opportunity to ride. And to be able to ride this horse, in a lesson with Eventing Trainer is the biggest gift at all. I try not to make mistakes and I want to do well, yet I always remember that every stride, every jump and every moment is to be cherished."

"Sometimes, winning is all about leaving the start box."

"To finish, all you have to do is start."

And, one of the kindest and most well timed card was sent to me as I was recuperating from hitting the tree.

 The front said:

"Never, never, never, NEVER give up. (Winston Churchill)"

The inside said:

"I'll never, never, never, NEVER stop cheering for you."

Happy Dance!

Sugar and I, for the first time since 2011, competed at Novice this weekend.  We jumped a Novice SJ course in the pouring rain and, my one thought as I left the arena - I LOVE JUMPING THIS HORSE OVER BIGGER JUMPS!

I had to withdrawl the next day before XC.  Sugar was NQR (some heat in the leg and off at the trot).  Good news is that the vet confirmed that it wasn't her check ligament but her right foot.   

IT'S THE HEART THAT MATTERS

Used with permission
www.connecticutphoto.com

My niece just completed her very first Horse Trial this weekend.  From the scores, it was a tough day.  You mothers of Eventers know this moment when someone asks you, “How was the show?”  Do you answer like the Mom, the Cheerleader or the Non-Rider-Eventer-Observer-Parent?  And how do you address that child with tears in her eyes and disappointment in her heart?  You want to do so much to make it better because you know how much effort went into the day…

If you’re a Non-Rider-Eventer-Observer-Parent, I must warn you.  Your child has chosen a sport where the work is hard, prizes are rare, ribbons are elusive and the potential for mistakes are many.  If it’s prizes and accolades you want, sign them up for the Hunter/Jumper world, where classes are a plenty and if you time it right or go to the right show, ribbons and championships can be had.

Used with permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com

We ride three times, doing very different tasks for one chance to place… once chance for a ribbon… And, one spook at the judge can end the quest no sooner than you start.

A mom wants them to feel better and to make it all right.  How do you make it ok?

First piece of advice from an Eventer (non-mom), you can’t make it ok.  There is not one of us out there that hasn’t had a tough day or been disappointed.  Some of us come out of the ring frowning, upset at what we should have done, wanted to have done something better or even been pissed at our precious ponies (yes, admit it… you have at least once).  



Used with permission
www.dexterpix.com

As the Bestest Eventing Buddy and I used to say, “Sometimes the best thing about Eventing is the ride home!”  The horses are munching hay in the trailer, you have a nice iced coffee (Dunkin) in your hand, munching on a little snack and the stories get told again and again.  Sometimes it’s a little bit of a…  “wish I had just kicked instead of pulled”, “she was great over the oxer and then I leaned”, “we were having a great run, he was awesome and we blew by the trakener” , “God I love my horse!  Next time, I will ______” and sometimes, we ride the most glorious ride over and over again…

I’m sure my niece’s ride home with her trainer contained the same stories and I’m sure as they traveled further away from the show grounds, her disappointment lightened until the plans for the next one got better, the excitement grew bigger and the desire to do it again was stronger than any tears...

Let the trainer teach the child our ways…  For you?  How do you deal with it?  Ahhh, take it from one Eventer:

Clueless and contented on the ride home

Don’t tell your child that they shouldn’t be upset.  You see, he or she won’t get another chance to make the mistake right until the next one.  And, that Event is going to be different than this one riding the same horse who might have different issues (or not). 

Instead, ask them why they are upset, you may be surprised at what caused those tears...  Listen to the rant (cause I think eventers are all somewhat masochistic perfectionists).  When it’s done, ask to hear the story of XC - what was her favorite jump, did she have galloping space, how did you handle the water, the ditch, the bank, table?  If you know what her scary jump is (and she did not have a stop at it), ask her how it rode.  (That will be at least a 15 minute talk with smiles.)

And when she’s done, ask her when the next one is… even though your heart might hope that she’ll be a basketball player instead!

Enjoy the ride!   It’s a doozy!

ARD SUFFERER!

So I rode a wild horse last night over jumps that could be bigger and scarier...  I did not ask for more and I barely controlled my desire to tell Eventing Trainer that enough was enough.  You see, I suffer from ARD (Adult Rider's Disease) and last night it flared up dramatically!

 It's a little recognized and often prevalent disorder that attacks re-riders over a certain age.  I've heard it said that mothers of young children can be afflicted with a low grade infection for many years before actual diagnosis. 

There are two distinct forms of the condition:

• Perfectionism - as in, I must have everything perfect before ________ (insert event - showing, taking a clinic with a BNT, etc here).  This form of ARD can be brutally limiting keeping the rider busy getting ready to do something.  It saps the fun out of the experience and often, even if achieving "perfection" the disease shifts into another level of desire never acknowledging the actual accomplishment.
• Apprehension/Fear - for some, this is a fear of failure, a fear of embarrassment and although, less frequently, a fear of getting hurt.  This form is less debilitating than Perfectionism since many sufferers work hard with professionals to find relief and ultimately remission.

Used with permission www.dexterpix.com

It's funny, once you've been diagnosed with a condition, you find others with it.  I hear their cry at every horse event - eventers, fox hunters, dressage - seriously, every discipline...  The terms "shoes" "footing/too hard/too soft", "taking it easy", "knees/back ache" and "a little off", "that could be better", etc are indicators that someone may be suffering from ARD.  We are not alone. 

Sugar was a wild thing last night.  Cooped up for three days nursing a loose shoe made my lil' pinto pony into a barely trained mustang...  Oh, she wanted to jump as she locked into every jump that hit her (our) gaze but she wanted it her way!  And, that way was fast and furious.

I spent a hard day at work thinking I should cancel the lesson - too hot, too humid, Sugar just got her new shoes, there were only four jumps in the outdoor, wasn't worth Eventing Trainer's time and work needed my attention.  ARD at my finest.

And, it was a good lesson.  My apprehension caused me to override her which exasperated the wild thing.  The more we jumped the better we got until we went from wild, underpowered/overpowered and irratic to jumping somewhat in a rythm and somewhat keeping her exhuberance under control

So, the prescription from the Eventing Trainer, for folks with my form of ARD - jump at least once a week.  Let me say that again - Jump at least once a week! 

BUZZKILL

Dear Work,

First I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to live my life as it is today.  There are days when I find you so exciting that I can not wait to throw myself into your all consuming embrace.  And Work, sometimes I feel that I can not be without you as if you complete me. 

Today was a hard one and I think you owe me an apology.  I came to you with great joy, eager to dance the happy dance...  Oh, I wanted to revel in a weekend of great fun and accomplishment...  And you wanted it to be all about you until the dance became a shuffle. 

Work, I gave you today...  Remember, tomorrow let's work really hard to find a happy balance.


Your lover,

Suzanne


PS... 

Sugar and I went cross country schooling yesterday.   And, for the first time in a long time (maybe ever), we had fun.  I can actually say that I had a good time while doing it.  And, when Eventing Trainer gave us a course and asked who wanted to start, I raised my hand and went for it.

I had no anxiety, no real nerves... it was if the past two years disappeared and I was moving up to Novice for the first time.  And as Sug's Twenty-Something-Friend said, "We did boxes, barrels and benches!" 

used with permission www.dexterpix.com

Sug was right with me and sometimes taking me...  For some of you that's a given but for us, it was a gift!  And, I even asked to jump our scary stuff when the Eventing Trainer overlooked them.  For me, that is a miracle.

I think we may be back... really back! 



Dear Work,

Won't you let me keep my happy buzz?

Suzanne

GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT?

Used with permission
 www.connecticutphotos.com

Now, if you are close members of my family or intimate friends there would be a slight intake of breath, a quick move forward and then...  "You went on a date?"   My confused and quizzical look would bring about a sigh, then, "Oh, something with your horse... were you at a show?  And, my sister would get it right, "You had a jumping lesson and it went well.  Am I right?"

I have a dream:

One day, I'll go out on a date and no one will get excited.  And, I'll have a jumping lesson and it will not register as an event - at all! 

Yes, I have a dream!

God bless my trainers!  Both understood that having 6 weeks of little activity and no jumping takes a toll on the average-GRRRR-seeking-on-the-dark-side-of-middle-aged event rider's psyche.  Just before Sugar's injury, I was doing it - jumping novice height over complex courses and feeling like a million bucks.  A break just whittled away the confidence so painstakingly built.

Oh, back to the trainers... I started back with my Dressage Trainer (former Intermediate Eventer and Trainer).  My wild spring hussy needed some taming that first lesson so we worked on regaining the half seat lost while perfecting our winter dressage.  And we jumped a cross rail until Ms Sugar agreed that I was in charge and that a cross rail had no resemblance to the jumps at Rolex and that we could land straight without hijinxs.

True GRRR!

I was very anxious the lesson two days later.  We brought back scary items - the dreaded gate and added some height.  Focus was on rhythm, push from her hind end and...  FOR ME to think about what I wanted upon landing and DO IT!  You see, I tend to spend a bit more time than I should congratulating myself for getting over the jump rather than riding the course... 

Last night, I had no anxiety and I worked hard at setting the intention to have fun.  {{{Sigh...  One day I won't have to work so hard at this.}}}  That, in itself, was a great accomplishment because this lesson was with the Eventing Trainer and we added every scary jump the City Barn had available.  Gates, flowers, oxers and more gates... 

And each jump set felt better.  Sugar was spooky but I was determined to smile and get over the jump and ride a course.  I'm not sure I felt that my riding was pretty but it caused no harm.  The last jump was fantastic...  I had the rhythm, added active leg two strides from the biggest oxer and then gave Sugar her neck. 

Shhhh...  don't tell anyone but that feeling of hitting the jump perfectly and having your horse jump powerfully up, under and through you and then landing lightly is better than _____________!  (Insert your word here.  I'm holding mine back ;)

As I thanked my Eventing Trainer, I told her... "Next time I'm ready for a butt kicking!"

TEACHER, TEACHER, CAN YOU TEACH ME?

So, sometimes when I tell my mom that I have a lesson or am going to a lesson, she'll reply, "I thought you knew how to ride?" And then like the good girl I am, I try to explain why I still take lessons to a non-horsey, non-competitive person. {{{Hmmm, maybe I should just call my trainer a coach... 'cause she understands anything and everything about football.}}}

OHEC XC course buried in 2' of snow

Yesterday's jumping lesson was a good one.  One of the barn kids set up the course for us which, with one minor adjustment, was wholeheartedly approved by the Eventing Trainer and was greeted with angst from this rider.  She included the dreaded green roll top. 

Now, our jumping is getting better and better with bigger jumps and more complex courses.  It has not included any Sugar/Suzanne scary stuff.   And this 13 year old dragged out and dusted off the one scary element left after the snowbirds left for Aiken.

OHEC XC course early fall

I looked Eventing Trainer in the eye and said, "Let's get the green roll top over with!"  She did not coddle me.  She did not reflect on last week's issues and fall at the dark green oxer!  She responded, matter-of-factly, "I think that's a good plan!" 

And, we jumped it!  First like a gazelle trapped by hunters lunging over a 6' fence and then, soon, like a jumping horse.  I heard myself say, at the end of the lesson, "maybe we should bring out hay bales next week".  {{{Who am I?}}}

Spring... soon!

It takes something special to be a good instructor.  {{{Not the "special" kind of special.}}}  The job is not easy...  You deal with weather all the time and sometimes in the extremes.  Your days can be long and your students (particularly adults) are not always fully present.  The gifted ones can push an edge without crushing a spirit.  Challenge without being intimidating... 

I've been very lucky finding my current trainers.  They are honest, hard working and very special (in that good kind of way).  I'm coming out of a 2.5 year struggle and neither gave up on me.  {{{OK, maybe Sugar and I as a pair, which is understandable.}}}

So, let the lessons come and I'll keep explaining why I keep taking them...  And, I will have a smile inside and out 'cause it is getting better and I'm having fun again!

JUST BETWEEN US GIRLS, HUH?

Looking ahead to Spring while living "in the moment"!

Still basking in the post-jump lesson glow, I had a thought...  not necessarily a thought I want to share with the Eventing Trainer but a thought that came to me as clear as a glass of fresh spring water.  And, if this blog is truly a confession as it's title indicates, then I must bring this thought to light here... 

I did not approach this lesson as care-free as my last.  No, this lesson had bouts of anxiety interspaced with excitement. 

It was snowing and I began to hope that the Eventing Trainer would cancel because of the winter weather advisory.  "Next week...  yes!  Next week would be better for me." was the prevailing thought running through my head...  "next week".  And, in true eventer fashion, she made it, snow storm and all, making my "next week" into today! 

Snow covered dressage arena
Spring is coming!

Sugar was animated, excited and spooky.  Our warm up was winding around the jumps using 8 and 10 meter circles, leg yielding and doing tons of transitions.  The intent was to keep her mind so busy that she could not focus on anything to spook at...  Sugar became as supple as our dressage work and for the most part, spook-free.

And we jumped...  she was enthusiastically erratic, eager to jump but twitchy as the zombies reached out from under the jumps to caress her belly.  I worked on our mantra - Rhythm and Flow...  rhythm and flow.  It worked like magic as we did our last line spot-on perfect.  I sat up and softly cooed whoa and she slowed just enough to jump the last jump in perfect stride.  I felt like a million bucks...

Just between us girls, huh?

This morning, the thought hit me...  The cure for Sugar's spookiness is higher jumps.  Yes, I said it!  I am confessing...  I believe that Sugar's spooks will diminish as the jumping get more complex.  {{{Note - diminish not disappear!}}}

And, do you know what?  I'm ready for those bigger jumps.  Although, I'm not ready to actually tell my trainer my little secret.  So, if you know who she is...  keep this between ourselves...  ;)

It's gonna be a good year!

YIPPEE-KI-YAY!!!

Was it Sug's Christmas vacation where she was "owned" by a 15 year old Teen? Was it me watching her jumping video where it looked easy and the two of them so free?  Maybe it was the two months of no jumping at all, unless it was in a hunt field?  Maybe it was just that night?  Or perhaps, maybe... something really did click in my brain and the neurons for anxiety weren't firing leaving the fun ones electric?  Maybe...  just maybe!

Used with Permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com

Our first jumping lesson since our "interesting" conclusion to the eventing season was FANTASTIC!  Sugar came into the indoor all fired up - her body too stiff, her neck rigid but her gaits were air bound and her canter coming from her hind end and up. 

Yeah, when I noted how great she felt, the Eventing Trainer chided me not to accept half the horse and to continue to ask for suppleness.  And, no great surprise, her body should be as supple jumping as it is in dressage.  Yet, her excitement was intoxicating (Sugar's not the Eventing Trainer). 

There is a fine line between excitement and anxiety and between electric and unrideable  We rocked that line on the side of excitement and electric.  When we landed after a jump, Sug leaped and bounded.  I did not punish her exuberance but channeled it...  She was not being bossy or rude and I wanted to evoke the energy of that Teen jumping for the fun of it.

Used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

The jumps were not huge and we did have to remove some of the "scary" components.  This ride was about beginnings and there would be time to challenge us with "scary".  Yet, the height of the jumps were promising...  we are getting there.

I did not whine...  I did not provide my dear, patient Eventing Trainer a list of reasons and conditions to how the lesson should go...  I promised myself to trust that she knew what I needed far more than I know what I need.  (OK, there was one tiny moment of "panic" at the very beginning but I stopped myself and smiled internally and said...  "Trust her!")

And for the first time in a long time, when asked if I wanted to do more, I said yes.  I wanted to get a straight line after the gymnastic and balance around the turn (I believe we did a bit of careening) and then finish the course with a straight line after the vertical (rather than let Sugar finish the ride trying to avoid the ground pole).  I wanted to...  do you hear that?  I wanted to...  And that is a gift!

So what was the reason?  I think about it and then really, I don't really care.  If you live in the moment, ride the horse that shows up...  the past, the reasons why don't matter...  And that, folks, is where I hope to live in this year of 2014!