"Everyone" has these moments, "Everyone" can relate, "Everyone"... And I wonder, who is this "Everyone'? So, I put it off, tried not to remember, eeked the story out to some trusted souls - barn folk, friends who step in as your non-licensed therapist and maybe a work mate or two. And yet, this nagging need to confess is so strong, like if I tell you, it will have never happened.
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| Shanti and with the Happy Young Professional riding |
Maybe this "Everyone" is some horsey counselor who will heal my wilted aching ego...
In short order, some folks have said that I am unlucky when it comes to horses (I can argue that but its off topic now.) In short order, after Maisy passed, I got another horse - a five year old Canadian Warmblood who just keeps growing. She is the sweetest thing, as fancy as Sugar and Maisy with the brain of an old campaigner.
Three weeks after getting her and heading out on our first off-farm adventure, I break my knee cap (another long story and no, I didn't fall off). 12 weeks later, I am ready to get going again and Shanti puts her foot through farm equipment and is stall bound for 2.5 weeks while her wounds heal (another story).
Here comes the epic weekend. This Lil Red-Haired Girl is so sane, I am ready to go xc school (little stuff but something) with the Bestest Barn Owner Eventer. We choose her quiet, seen-it-done-it-and-it's-all-good Prelim Pony to be our companion. The theme of the day was to just have a quiet, good time.
Shanti was cool as a cucumber. She was not going to let some inappropriate jumping stop her from exploring. My Big Girl Panties were probably dangling from the pieces of his halter strewn about the parking lot so xc schooling became a quiet trail ride.
In discussing the day with the Goddess of Equine Yoga, she suggested that a day like that required shots of the alcoholic sort. Instead, she invited me to join her and a friend for a woodland jaunt on two trusty, non-reactive steeds just a short trailer ride away.
Sigh... I have no clean Big Girl Panties. But, this is Shanti and she is so easy, so confident, so calm. I must do this or become just another middle aged woman doing ground work and riding in the indoor for the rest of my life.
Someone posted on my FaceBook page, "You better be careful! Things always seem to happen to you!" Sigh... Really? I have enough Demons lurking in what appears to be a sound mind and you need to bring that up? Sigh!
Is this where I tell you that I forgot to release her from the trailer and when she unloaded (self), it snapped and she slipped off the ramp shaving hair and skin off her recently healed leg? Do I tell you that she was bloody and I was sure I ruined her?
And so begins the catastrophicism... Release the Demons! "Your fault! Your fault!, Your fault!" "BAD day!" BAD Day!"
The Goddess of Equine Yoga came over and said "She's ok!. I'll hold her still so you can get on". And we went out for a ride. Two Dependables (horses and humans) and UL Event Rider (local) whom I admire and hero worship a bit. I want to be the cool event rider just like her.
As we ride alongside a 5 acre of so pasture, UL Event Rider casually says that the two mares in the field may come galloping at us. The Demons scream, "WTF!, we are going to die!"
The mares come out of their shed, tails flagged, screaming and galloping straight at us. Shanti tightens for a second and then looks at them. And off they go to do one more round just a bit closer to us. And Shanti just looks at them. And off we go.
We ride along a shallow river and UL Event Rider tells me that she would do gallop sets in the river. My hero worship and longing grows. I tell worn stories of Sugar and I (as eventers are known to do) and I feel that I belong to this club.
At a stream crossing in the woods, I am sure that Shanti is going to launch across and the Demons are reminding me that "things always seem to happen to me" and I have the vision of her launching and me falling off and so on. So, as we cross I feel her gather her hind end and I see saw the reins to prevent the leap.
Shanti stops and for the next 40 minutes, I cajoled, encouraged, imitated Tik Maynard, spanked, circled and leg yielded to no avail. The horses left and Shanti remained planted. My uninvited "friends" kept screaming in my head that this was going to end up a disaster. I was tired, my recovering knee hurt and it was fruitless.
At one point, she spins and slips in the mud... {{{Please "Everyone" be gentle.}}} I lost it. Now, I didn't quit or curse or storm off and go home. No, I bawled like a baby, sobbed uncontrollably while weakly saying, "I can't, I can't, I can't". Heaving chest, sobbing, tears streaming down my face which was buried in her mane or as low as I could get.
I didn't quit. I was just humilated... totally and completely humiliated. Ego? There was no ego left and I am not even sure I have one now...(I do but that is another story.)
Finally, with a lunge line attached to her bridle, the Village, "encouraged" her to cross with me still snifflling and maybe crying. She launched. I stayed on and we continued with the trail ride.
As I gained my composure (well, I don't think I can ever face them again), it was a very beautiful ride, with good conversation and lovely company. I began to feel like myself again and able to send the Demons away.
Then, someone said... "Do you remember the time we hit the ground bees?"
4 comments:
Oh lady. I empathize greatly with you. I have a spicy red mare and now that she's 15, while we still have our "get rid of the ego" days, they're much less frequent. When she was younger, I did my fair share of crying and wallowing in abject pity.
It's not about you. It's about the horse. It's taken me (and I still need work on it) a thousand years to realize that ultimately, it's the horse and it's how you respond. You're working with an animal - an animal that while smart and beautiful, requires learning a whole new language in order to communicate. And learning that language defies rational thinking.
I completely get the feelings humiliation, shame, and ego-deflation. But they have no place in your work with your horse. "I can't" - is absolutely correct, of course you can't! You can't MAKE a horse do anything if you want to go the path of horsemanship. No one would ever think, "oh, she's less a rider because she can't make her horse cross a creek." What we'd think is, "ohhh man, been there! That horse really has issues with water, poor lady is doing the best she can besides carrying that pony across. It's time for some learnin' that creeks don't eat horses!"
1 - we all make mistakes. Will you ever forget to release her from the trailer before unloading? Nope! Will you devote some time to water crossings? Yep!
2 - why should we allow ourselves to be humiliated and shamed by our horses? Or by ourselves when it comes to our horses? We're doing the best we can and so long as you are not abusing your horse, overfacing them, or giving them no release, you are simply trying to work with your horse. They are animals who will never ever speak English. Maybe you need more time with a trainer to help you better communicate with your horse, maybe your horse just needs more exposure.
It's all learning. That's it. You don't get to graduate horse school, you just keep learning.
You might want to dig deep and ask yourself WHY you felt humiliated. And don't go with the first reaction you have - dig deep.
Of course bad things happen to you, of course you are unlucky with horses. Bad things happen to everyone and we are all unlucky with horses. It's inevitable. My horse once jumped a muddy creek and smashed my knee in a tree, another time she refused a fence and I came off and broke all my toes in my left foot, another time a horse kicked her and tore the skin off her leg, another time she got cellulitis and a year later she's got it again. Once time she nearly took her out out and had to have stitches along her eye nearly all the way around. Another time she refused a ditch and I came off and torqued my hamstring. Earlier this spring she spooked at a deer, sent me flying, and went galloping back home, 2 miles away. Another time at a mini-trials she spooked at the second to last show jumping fence and I came off. And don't EVEN get me started on our dressage rounds.
Bad things happen to us and we are unlucky with horses because this is real life. So you can't even use that train of thought because no one is "lucky" with horses, no one has "good things" all the time. Things happen if you open yourself up to being an equestrian.
I hope my intent for empathy and encouragement comes through - it's not meant to be critical. I just want to swat those demons away and see a spark of resilience and grit flare up. You are doing the best. Period.
Sarah W, thank you for taking time to comment on my writing and offering your insight. I do appreciate it.
The writing was not about training but steeped in dealing with anxiety issues and how one's PTSD can be triggered by an incident (horse jumping out of the trailer) and accelerated by well meaning comments. I actually consider myself quite lucky with horses and living in the horse world. Most things work out well or even, better than I could have imagined.
Anxiety issues (true ones) can't be wished or willed away. They are managed through awareness and actions like meditation, therapy, EFT, Rescue Remedy and in extreme cases, pharma. For me, accepting that anxiety can rear its ugly head and take over a well worked mind is a fact. My learning is to continue to accept that good friends don't judge and often relate.
Sharing my stories is really an act of putting the "elephant in the room" out there and hopefully others won't feel that they are the only one.
Suzanne
You are not alone, my friend. <3 My reaction after reading this post was this: "Wow, she did an amazing job perservering through all that! Way to hang in there and what a good pony!"
You know I am also haunted by Bad Things. At this point, I feel like it's been a constant barrage for the last 8 years. I just expect it & it is hard to recognize the good at times. So I completely empathize with yelling demons in the brain!
It sounds like your new baby is rather wonderful, though, & I look forward to hearing more about her! Big hug from us to you both & don't feel too bad about meltdowns -- I have lost track of the times I have been sitting on a cinder block in tears or throwing inanimate objects with vehement curses of fury at life, but fortunately, there are no witnesses except the horses in my 10-acre bubble (well, at least my neighbour is nice enough to pretend she can't hear me, heh).
This post really resonated for me, and I am so glad to see you posting again!
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