LIVING LIFE IN THE MIDDLE

I once dated a guy, (ok, it was the third time we got back together and that's a longer jucier story not appropriate for this blog), who told me that all relationships end either in a break up, marriage or death.  If it wasn't marriage I wanted than we should expect a break up and ultimately everything ends with heartbreak.  (This wasn't the most postitive of minds but he offered some other cool attributes - again not for this blog.)

After a fit of outrageous laughter, I told him that there can be alot of time between dating - breakup or death.  And, in that time couldn't we just live in the moment and enjoy what we had right there and in the now?

Used w/permission www.flatlandsfoto.com

My greatest moment of fear is when the Barn Owner calls to tell you that your horse came in from turnout 3-legged lame.  Sugar sustained a career ending and life threatening injury Monday night.  She ruptured her Superficial Digital Flexor Tendon at the base of her knee which slid down her leg until is stopped at her fetlock.  She was in severe pain... to move she would rear back on to her hind legs and load the good leg and skip over. 

The treatment to get to the point where she might live safely in a pasture would be 12 months of stall rest, restricted movement and a battle to fend off founder (think Barbaro) and colic.  And, given her personality, she would need heavy tranquilizers to keep her quiet.

Used w/permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

When we returned just four hours after recieving the maximum pain meds, she still was in intense pain and could barely move.   Founder and colic were a very real threat!  We made the tough and heartbreaking decision to euthanize her assuring her peace and safety. 

I am so grateful for Sugar's vet, who has been with us for all of her trials and tribulations over the last 10 years.  Just last year, when Sug had a neck injury (another t/o incident), she insisted that Sugar come in first between 12 and 2 because she was going to kill herself if she didn't.  Ironically, the folks at the Lil' Country Barn were almost 100% successful at keeping her safe in turnout for a full day.

Kicking butt and taking names
used w/permission www.flatlandsfoto.com

God bless all you care givers... be it veterinarians or human providers.  For her strength and compassion were gifts on a rather bleak day.  The euthanasia was perfect...  Sugar quietly dropped to her knees and left the world. 

I am heartbroken.  Sugar was a once in a life time horse...  sometimes a snuggly lil'pinto pony and sometimes Mariah Carey in a major diva fit.  She gave me so much, taught me so much and I loved her with all my heart.  Yet, she was so white, so beautiful and held so much promise that our disappointments were so real.  I wouldn't change a thing but promise that I will not try to replace her.  She should be... unique.  I'm ok with that!

Right, this was supposed to be about living life in the middle and not the end.  I've picked a few of my favorite Sugar stories that tell so much about living and loving the middle of life.  Enjoy, if you're inclined:

• Sugar being Sugar - getting dumped one more time
• Happiness is lowered expectations
• XC Schooling is interesting
• Finding our groove again
• Sometimes she just needed to be a good girl
• Remembering our anniversary
• Riding the wild thing
• When its good its very good
• Sharing Sugar - the best gift ever
• The Birthday Ride - This is one I will miss terribly
• How do you get a 57.6 in Eventing Dressage - Go Sugar!
• The greatest photoshop ever!
• Simply Loving Sugar



The Kissable Nose

• On Breeding Sugar - One of my all time favorites!

There will be so many more stories to tell, some about her, alot about life and soon, the plain brown lil' boy who will jump all the jumps... all the time!

Thank you for your support and loving words... I find solace in that so many folks under stood this beautiful, wild thing that I loved so much!

NON-JUDGEMENT DAY

Before (Photo used with permission
Martha Curran)

Another indoor collapsed this morning.  All the horses got out safely after, what must have been many hours of harrowing labor and much worry for all involved.  This was one of many here in New England - Massachusetts, in particular.  We lost our indoor last Sunday and are still reeling from the ramifications.

We've gotten almost 100" of snow in less than 30 days.  And, in those 30 days, we've experienced the second coldest month on record (coldest month was in 1875).  Do you have any idea what 100" of snow looks like?  Oh we're a hardy bunch, us New Englanders but this is too much...  Another roof collapse, another barn rescue and another "Fund Account" established.

After 16 People...
(Photo used with Permission Martha Curran)

One barn quoted these numbers - 16 people, two snow blowers, two plastic shoots and over 20 hours to remove the snow.  Another barn took two days with a team of 10.  And, if you drove by any of these barns, I'm not sure you could guess the depth of that snow.  It is just that mind boggling.

When we lost our indoor, it felt like someone had died.  We all moved around the barn in stunned "silence" each of us harboring our own secret concerns and still trying to be strong for the owners.  We could always move but, for them, this was their home, their business and their dream.  What of their dream? 

Roof top at Davis Farm, Bedford MA
Photo by Lisa Samoylenka

Will these barns survive?  Can they rebuild?  What of their dreams?  What of the people they inspire to have a dream?  What will happen to them?

So, I ask you... do not judge!  Do not second guess folks' decisions...  For one moment, imagine yourself in the same position, with the same limitations either money, manpower or time...  And in that one moment, find compassion, love and leave your judgment behind. 

And for you folks here in New England...  go out and hug your barn owner.  This has been a devastating year for them even if the barns/indoors are still standing. 

In a tiny miracle, my friend's brother bumped me ahead of his other clients and removed the snow off the roof of my house.  I waited too long because of the fear of how much it would cost...  He came, cleaned off TONS of snow and ice and charged me a reasonable fee.  I am one of the lucky ones. 

74 DAYS AND COUNTING!

Morning of the Blizzard (29" total)

I have the unique ability to make myself bat-shit-crazy (BSC) at any little thing.  Years of self-help books, therapy, meditation, yoga, listening to some the of the incredible greats, gurus, psychics and some really well balanced individuals do not help when I'm in a BSC "state".   I can chant ooooohhhhhmmmm, breathe in and breathe out for ever and I can still be BSC in a heartbeat!

"Someone", a Facebook "Friend", posted that they were so excited because the Eventing Season in the great Northeast/Area 1 kicks off in just 74 days.  In one moment, I could feel the 41 inches of snow melt and hear the sweet songs of love sick birds...  ahhhhhhhhhh Spring!

And in a flash, panic clutched my brain...  "What?  74 days?  I am not ready!  There is not enough time to prepare!  How will we jump?  Where and when can we XC school?  What????!!!!  Just 74 days!  How did that happen?  OMG!  THERE IS 4 FEET OF SNOW AND ANOTHER FOOT IS COMING IN ON MONDAY!!!"

Sometimes it takes an trained expert, a specialist, to talk one off the ledge.  God bless Dressage Trainer and today's sidekick, the New Barn Girl!  There is nothing like a good, dressage-butt-kicking on an animated horse to bring the crazies down to a manageable level. 

"Let go of the left rein, flex your fingers, soften her poll, bring up her shoulders, encourage her right hind to pat the ground just a bit longer, feel her balance, feel the strength of self carriage, ask for more and now reward her by allowing her to lengthen downward...  Feel her, ask her and now pat her."

A good trainer is the best therapist.  I'm sure that trainers prefer students less emotional, more together and certainly, less BSC.  Their words and guidance ease the panic of preparation and bring the energy from that sick worry of what might be to the power of being immediately in the present.  If you're truly, in the moment, nothing else exists but what is now.  Today's now was pretty darn awesome!  Thank you Dressage Trainer!

So, it isn't 74 says but 82!  The weather is not making it easy to "get ready" but seriously, in New England, you just keep going and if you're lucky, you might get a chance to do something mid April.

Sug and I will be ok.  I will continue to have moments of true BSC when I catch myself living way too far in the future.  Right now, this minute, we are very ok!

MISSING MOMENTS

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." ~ Leo Buscaglia

A Wise Woman once told me that life is filled with moments in time and by savoring that moment is truly what brings life alive!   And to really live, one needs to breathe those moments to life as if resuscitating joy itself!

Last night, I missed a moment filling it with worry and fret over the weeks ahead.  I could have breathed Sugar's sweet smell, a combination of fresh pine woods and newly mown hay.  I could have enjoyed the pleasure of a hard grooming of an itchy coat.  And I could have kissed a very kissable nose and loved being alone with my Lil' Pinto Pony.

Instead, I greeted the evening like an obligation and duty that must be performed.  As the curry greeted her skin, I spent that moment worried about whether she was losing her topline, or weak in her hind end which led to whether or not we will ever be ready for the season.  And if she's ready, will I be?

And so begins the endless planning, self derision and loads of overthinking... Until...

It's all about the moment!  Sugar looks fantastic and is the soundest she's ever been.  Her muscling is even and her body is strong!  She is happy and healthy... We are both lucky to have each other...

Work is hard and life is filled with changes... Some  now and some in the future.  The weather has been brutal and even with an indoor, riding regularly has been challenging.  

Worry and fret hasn't solved anything.  It continues to rob one of that moment...  Like kissing the kissable nose!

What will be will be!

WORKING FOR A LIVIN'

Wow, that was an amazing vacation and one that seems like ancient history.  Two whole weeks of just doing what I wanted to do, mostly when I wanted to do it while surrounded by family and friends.  It was a magical time so, so long ago in a distant galaxy. 

Fighting doesn't help

Enter the Polar Vortex and a return to work filled with chaos and change.  I wonder, where is my sense of peace and utter calm?  Where are the delightful moments riding my lil' pinto pony?  Where is that life of routine filled bliss?   Oh where art thou?  Oh where art thou?

So for those of us who really do know me, I am a Facebook junkie.  Bring it on!  Today, someone posted (and I shared) the following "peace/love/charity" statement:

The kissable nose!

"Everything in life moves in its own rhythm and in its own time." 

 

And, James Van Praagh added, "When you resist change, you are trying to hard to control the outcome and not paying enough attention to the process.  Enjoy the cosmic dance of life and its changes. When making changes, always seek the higher vibrations of love, peace, joy, patience, and abundance."

Somehow, that little post eased some of the craziness of this new year.  Sugar is happy, content and well cared for at the Lil' Country Barn.  And, if weather and work make it difficult for me to achieve my goals, I must remember the pleasure of just smelling the sweet scent of her very kissable nose and the real satisfaction of grooming the white coat clean.  And, how good it feels to the both of us to curry an itchy spot with her body leaning in for more.

Ah, its winter.  The weather is cold and work is hard...  I can stay with this or move graciously into the higher vibrations of what I can do and not what I can't...  The choice is mine...

{{{{I think I'll go to the barn and buy lottery tickets on the way home!}}}}

OOOPS! SHOULD'VE DONE THAT!

Did I ever tell you that I've been on vacation for two weeks!  That's right... two whole weeks.  Here it is Sunday night and I've given up the ship!  There is absolutely no way, at all, that I can complete ALL of those things I had planned to do that Friday afternoon as I waived my coworkers goodbye.

Gotta seize the day!

Instead, I plan to finish this awesome cup of chai tea, stroke the silky ears of a naughty hound draped across my lap and thank god for all the wonder in my life.  Oh, I may take a moment out of this pure pleasure and yell at the Convict to stop licking his paw but as he then crawls up on the napping couch to curl close, all is at peace.

Yeah, I should've have had that project ready to be emailed to the vendor first thing tomorrow morning.  And, I should've have done more research on the even bigger project pending.  The house is a wicked mess and every coat I've worn these two weeks sit piled up on a chair... yeah, I could've have done that too...

Youthful exuberance!

Did I tell you that Sugar is back?  That we had a magnificent dressage lesson with the amazing Niall Quirk?  She was lovely to ride, a willing partner that, when put together, floated like a big, wiggling/swishing dressage horse.  Did I tell you that I spent the morning watching my barn mates achieve beauty as they too, lifted their horses into light, fluffy, fancy prancing?

Ooops, maybe I should've cleaned out my car and put away all the trail cleaning supplies cluttering up and making the back seats unusable.  And, darn... I forgot to cut down those stupid Norway Maples taking root in my overgrown garden beds.  Yes, I know the Christmas decorations do need to come down soon, lest annoy friends and neighbors alike.

Those ears don't miss
anything!

Before I forget, did I tell you of a fabulous New Years Eve jaunt with the Brave Barn Peep?  Oh, the gloriousness of an event horse releasing her pent up energy as we attempted to "gallop" around a field.  Did I tell you...  Sugar is back?  And, can I tell you how fulfilling it was when my lil' pinto pony finally cantered without a leap into the air?

And, I did not clean my bedroom and organize my closets.  And, ok, my laundry is piled up still unwashed...  Thank god, my work clothes are back from the cleaners and I did buy new underwear as a "Christmas present".  Shhh, some folks may still get Christmas cards since I managed to not finish them before New Years....  ooopsie!

Oh, yeah, one more thing...  Did I tell you that Sugar is back?  And, that I grabbed Newbie Eventer, some fabulous Hunt Peeps and ran out before the snow storm to get that one last gallop in.  It was heaven on earth when the two of us actually galloped with nary a spook or a leap.  (I was sure she was colicing.)

Life is short!  You gotta do it while you can!  And, I am so grateful to have so many fabulous compadres willing to live it with me!

TYG! 

FEELS LIKE A MILLION BUCKS

And as the lottery creeps upward and the dreams of being a billionaire dance it's the devilish dance, I sigh with a level of contentment from actually winning the dance of a devilish mare...

All sweetness

You see, as I begin to consider my next (and second) horse, I dream of a plain bay with decent gaits, a level head who just wants to "jump the jumps".  I see "him" as a handsome horse who can take a lot of bling (oh yes... you just wait and see how my inner pre-teen comes out then). 

And then the fantasy takes shape...  I saddle him up on a cold, snowy day to gallop around our field as puffs of snow billow around his strong legs.  I'm laughing at the sheer joy of two beings, together as one. 

Or feeling that moment when I get a call from the Bestest Eventing Buddy, Sugar's Twenty Something Friend or the Newbie Eventer, "let's go XC schooling and jump some jumps!" and being excited and thrilled to jump some jumps!

I'll keep her for that nose!

Yet sometimes, when my lil' pinto pony can not keep her feet on the ground as we finishing her rehab by cantering.  And, I ride her airs above the ground into something that looks like a canter, I feel like a million bucks.  Somewhere in my fantasy world, I am a cowgirl - wild and free!  I am a goddess! 

And, when I ask for that last canter transition and my lil' Mariah Carey impersonator says, "Ok... I'll do it and I'll do it well!"  I feel like a million bucks.

I just hope that when looking for said second horse, I don't fall too much in love with that kind of million bucks! 

{{{Special note of apology to the lessoner and the fellow boarder also sharing ring with the diva princess.  I promise that Saccharine has not been a frequent visitor these past few years...  Sugar will return and it will be good again!  I promise!}}}