THE LAST CROSS COUNTRY WALK

Smiling with a zest for life albeit a bit slow

Jonah got up this morning with his tail wagging, his eyes eager for the adventures of a Sunday morning and lame in his right front foot.  His breakfast contains a pain reliever and his dinner a glucosomine/chondrotin supplement to support his aging joints.  He is a 10.5 year old Labrador Retriever who is living in the moment while his person is staring at the twilight of a long adventurous life.

Way back when!

Yesterday, I believe, that this gentle soul with a huge eating disorder and selective hearing walked his last cross country (XC) course.  It makes me sad to have to be the responsible parent and take care of him when it is his very nature to go to extremes until he is exhausted or worse, hurt.  Yet, yesterday, I wanted to give him that one last time to walk the course, bathe in the water jump and greet everyone walking by.

Another lab testing out the water complex!

Jonah hurts today and as a dog, he lives in the moment.  As a human, I feel ok with giving him that one last XC walk even though there is a hint of guilt at seeing him so lame.  He is not going to remember this last time when I leave him home with his beloved dog sitter while his young brother walks many, many more courses.  No, he lives in the moment.

Sometimes and somewhat reluctantly, you have to be the parent.  And sometimes, I just want to be the neighborhood kid that gets everyone in trouble and then, goes home without a care in the world leaving chaos in her wake.

Today, I am the responsible one and acknowledge that my beloved Convict may have completed his last cross country course walk.  Today, I am the parent and grateful for that one last time.

Parenting is tough!

SOMETIMES, IT JUST HAPPENS

A rider lost her life on Saturday while competing at the Upper Levels of the sport I love so much.  She did not start her day thinking that it would be her last.  And, I'm sure that her friends and fellow competitors did not think for a moment that she would not return.  The volunteer that checked her bit, the warm-up steward or the starter counting her down all wished her a good ride and expecting the very same thing.

Those ears...

Sometimes, it just happens.

And one rainy morning, stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, I came up to the accident that caused our delay.  My timing was "impeccable" for the rescue team carried from, the little Corolla, a body bag.  It was the first time I ever saw something so final.  Later that evening, I read in the newspaper that a 26 year old girl never made it to work that morning.  Her tire blew and her car spun off the road into a guard rail.  She did not start her day thinking this was going to be her last.

Sometimes, it just happens.

What if?  What if that rider pulled her horse out of the stall with a nasty cut that morning?  Would it have saved her life?  What if she threw her leg over the back of a western pleasure horse, would she be home that evening kissing her daughter good night?

Folks that I know who walked that course did not feel that that particular fence was tricky, set in a way to confuse the horse/rider or offered a question so technical that it would prove to be fateful. Yet, in this case, the horse hooked a leg and tumbled over and onto its rider.  No one knows for sure...

Sometimes, it just happens.

My heart is so heavy for the loss of this beautiful young rider and mother.  The stories surfacing from her friends, associates and riders are of a person with a good, loving heart.  No, this shouldn't happen to anyone but it does.  Just like that young girl who never made it to work that day, this shouldn't happen.

But it does...

Equestrian activities are dangerous and there is an element of risk every time we ride.  Horses are unpredictable.  Years ago there was a rider at an event that left the door open to her horse's stall and she threw herself in front of her escaping precious pony and died from the blow to her head.

Sometimes, it just happens.

So much is being done to make Eventing safer.  There has been constructive talk and plans to do more and there have been the haters.  Much of the hateful commentary are from folks who are not keeping close to all that is being done - research on cardio-vascular events, frangible pins, course design.  And, the improvements are there and will continue to improve because we want to do what we can to prevent injury and death.

Yet, sometimes, it just happens.

In no way am I minimizing this life lost so young.  It is heartbreaking.  And in no way am I saying that all is good and doing nothing is the right thing.  What I am saying is that sometimes, it just happens.  Sometimes, you bow your head and you pray for the living and the ones that have to go on.

And sometimes you have to truly be thankful for your own life and know, that today is the day to live life well.  This is your moment for it is all you have... Live it well...

I will donate to her child's college fund and I will match my donation and send it to the USEA's safety and research arm.  And if you feel so inclined, the links are below:

Millie's College Fund

USEA Rules and Safety

RUSH

Remember those college days and partying during Fraternity RUSH season?  It was a non-stop party-hardy weekend of long nights, groggy mornings, throwing books around while "studying" and then getting ready to do it all again!

Another night at the gym!

Well, this post is not about that kind of Rush.  It's about the kind of rush that keeps one from feeling the other kind of rush, that kind of rush that makes one feel full of life and eager to do it all again.

New job, long commute, going back to school, homework... You see, I add to my life, pushing all the bits around and squeezing all this newness in while juggling to keep all the wonderful old things going strong.  It works for the most part because all the "free-time" is pushed aside to allow for all the newness to become old.  One might use the term Coping to define what is this juggling act called life has become.

Her Greyness is coming along nicely.  I am finally getting decent 20 meter circles at a canter and more frequently she can be asked to move between compressed (note no mention of collection) and lengthening with losing balance.  I smile more than sigh in frustration at my lack of skill working with a green horse.

Da Boyz are happy and are enjoying their short but active runs before dawn.  They are healthy, well fed and loved.  I smile and cuddle in moments of peace.

Moments squeezed between the rush of life and the rush of new things.  More moments are spent rushing to be sure that everything gets done and all is well in everyone's life.

Did they get enough exercise?  Is there a stiffness in her hind end?  Did I loosen her body up enough?  Did Da Boyz get enough mental stimulation?  When should I fit in ear cleaning and clipping toes? Squeezing moments to make it all ok.

It occurred to me that maybe I need to add a bit of a pause between the rush of life.  What would that feel like? What if I treasured the moment as if there will be no moments after that one?  What if this moment was the best moment ever?  Would I even know?

Definitely pausing!

The Buddhist call it, The Sacred Pause*.  Stopping the Rush, pausing to empty the cup that is overflowing, breathing in life and then allowing the cup to fill again.

Last night, while rushing into the barn to change into my riding clothes, thinking about what to have for dinner, wondering what I should wear to work tomorrow and hoping that the dogs had a late afternoon romp with the dog walker, I paused.

I breathed in the scent of a clean barn and sweet hay.  I paused and listened to the rustling of happy horses munching hay.  I paused and heard Her Greyness whinny for her person...

And, I smiled, time to enjoy my life.  Coping is just not good enough!

*Tara Brach - Sacred Pause

HEALTHY NAILS AND TEETH

As a therapist, my sister was taught to look at a patient's nails and teeth during their first consultation.  Healthy, well balanced folks generally have good oral health and clean, neat fingernails.  Self care IS a sign of good mental health.

Maisy looking quite healthy with the Happy Young Professional

Maisy's feet are well manicured and her shoes cost a mere $250 every 5-6 weeks.  Her dentist declared her teeth healthy, well cared for and in very good shape.  A chiropractor adjusts her working body and I love to groom her grey coat until it radiates a silvery shine.

Maisy is very healthy and well balanced from a Licensed Mental Health Provider's perspective.

If measured by the same criteria, I am not!

Oh, I score high in the oral health scale.  I thank genetics, regular brushing and fluoride treated water from my youth for that.  My nails?  Um, not so much!

 Did I mention I work in an office?

I was driving Ms Maisy (yes, I was) and happened to look down at my hands and... gasped.  My nail beds are cracked and dry and my nails are brittle and chipped.  I have become the dog/horse version of a Cat Lady.

What is it about us horse girls that focus so intently on the health of our partners and yet, can not seem to find the time to prioritize our health as critically?

Let's see how that really looks:

• Best shoes and regular manicures - Maisy 
• Anxiety reducing holistic supplements - Maisy
• Body work designed to improve performance and reduce stress - Maisy
•  Regular breaks from work to reduce stress - Maisy
• A varied work schedule to keep life interesting - Maisy
• Good dental care - Maisy and me

Hmmm, good dental care... that's it?  Ok, maybe I get better food choices.

Chandler won't take care of me...

Maybe I'm a little jealous that Maisy has a person dedicated to making sure that she receives the best care and provides the right atmosphere to help her feel good and perform at her best.  Maybe I am a little jealous...  Maybe I am.

And, sometimes when I look down on broken nails and dry cracked cuticles, I remember that Maisy's person is ME!   Maybe I should hire ME to take care of me just as well as I take care of Her Greyness....

HMMMMMM... what would that look like?

LIVING IN TIME

Used with permission

"Suzanne is returning to her lil' pinto pony and Da Boys filled with life... And, maybe looking for a hug! Thanks Kripalu!" Facebook status - March 1, 2015 2:05pm

"Suzanne is still feeling the love and making plans... A girl's gotta smile and have an adventure in the wings... Let's do that thang!" Facebook status - March 1, 2015 9:09pm

Two Facebook statuses... I just returned from a yoga and meditation retreat, one I do every time I'm either going through or preparing for a life event.  I was waiting for the written confirmation of a job offer I had verbally accepted, just two weeks away from Area 1's Opening Day and I was heading to  to a fabulous Showcation to be with family, play with my snowbird friends and cheer on riders tackling big jumps in central Florida.

Da Boyz keeping life real!

It was the highest of highs.  That weekend and that day.  It was the highest of highs.

Forty-eight hours later, Sugar would be euthanized and I would read an email telling me that the job offer was being rescinded due to a corporate restructuring.  It wasn't the best day.  Actually, it was kind of an awful day.

So, this post is about living.

A Wise Man (also a pretty decent plumber) told me that "you have to have some distance to understand the "why" in life.  You see, as a plumber when I lay a pipe, I have to step way back away from that pipe to see if its straight.  And, when I give it some space, there is an understanding on what I need to do next.  And that comes from having the distance."

Sometimes, you just have to have faith and believe that everything will be ok.  And, then allow the love of good friends (and maybe a cuddly hound and an eager, helpful Lab) carry you when the ache feels so raw that you can not believe you won't hurt any more.

The Kissable Nose

There is this energy that we all possess and, I think its called hope or maybe, dreams.  It is an energy that is always there even if it's a flicker easily pushed around by fear.  It grows strong when you reach out to friends and you accept the loving energy surrounding you.  It is within you.  And, you gotta look, really look, for the goodness in a life that seems in holding pattern. 

And then time passes, friends are still fabulous and they still listen to my stories.  (Heck, eventers will tell you the same story of an event that happened three years ago and we all still listen.)  And, the good ones don't judge.

One year later you're still cuddling with the hound and the lab is still raiding your laundry to bring you dirty socks.  And, one year later, you're kind of bitching about your long commute to the wonderful, even better, job that you started in January. 

Looking forward to the summer

And, one year later, you groomed your fancy, sweet and spook free grey pony dreaming of the summer's events and, yet whining just a little bit because your ride wasn't as light, as round or as easy as the one you had last week.


"Suzanne is is focusing on the feel of a clean horse, the smell of rich alfalfa hay and the nicker of a happy horse... 'cause the ride was... um... sigh..."  Facebook status- February 29, 2016 9:31pm

And, you smile...  one year later... Life is different and it is soooo good!  Thanks for being there on this crazy ride called living.

COUNTING DAYS AND LIVING LIFE!

Tomorrow is February 29th, also known as Sadie Hawkin's day.   If I'm not at my desk or somewhat unavailable, you might find me chasing down the love of my life and asking for his hand in marriage!  {{{And no, Bestest Eventing Buddy, we are not talking about Chandler Bing!}}}

Da Boyz - Da lufs of my life!

It is also another day wedged between the days that changed my life.  You see, I still mourn the loss of my beautiful, yet wild, lil' pinto pony.  It will be one year on Thursday, March 3rd and I can still tear up and want to bawl at having to make the decision to mercifully end her life.  (For those of you new to the blog, here's the link)

I felt so powerful on her!

I also want to scream at my still tearful self to "Stop!  Get Over It!   Move on! Enough already!"  (And, I'm sure some of you want to do the same... ;) 

Sugar was just a horse.  And, all living beings must leave the earth.  Sugar was just a horse... 

Yes, she was that and she was also a friend and a dream.

A loving gift from a FRIEND

Facebook is an amazing tool - a place to connect, a vehicle to cheer folks on and a wonderful place to share experiences, pictures and life.  I've been loving the Memories app.  Every morning it shares memories of things done and posted that day in Facebook years past.  It is also reminding me of all the life and adventures we shared over eight FB years.

Grief eases over time and I believe that one day, Sugar will be just my "last" horse.  I will smile with deep warmth when those memories come again but there will be more memories and pictures of Maisy and I doing the things we love so much.  Yet, I want to cling to the memory of her twitching spotted nose and the gentle soul she was when greeted by children and fearful adults.

During chemo at our first show

 Ok, some of you might point to all those past writings of me trying to conceal my inner alpha mare as I watched that beautiful white bottom galloping away at the 13th or 14th obstacle on a 16 fence cross country course.  And, you may want to remind me that this beautiful being would lure me into believing that today was the day we'd break 30 after an amazing dressage warmup and then manage to spook and spin periodically throughout the Novice B test.  

That nose!

And, there are some of you who might want to tell me that Maisy is absolutely an awesome horse.  And then remind me that she is green but game with lovely gaits and a willing, non-spooky nature.  While you're talking, you note that she whinnies eagerly when she hears me say Hi as I enter the barn.  Get over it, you whisper...  Sugar was just a horse.

And, I will ask you to understand, truly understand, that my love for Sugar and the occasions of sadness for my loss does not limit my ability to love and nurture again.  Time heals the loss yet, love is infinite.  Don't ask anyone to rush the process, it will come!  And, try not to judge for yourself how long it should take.  It will come...

I love Sugar and yes, I love Maisy.  And, what the heck, let's add Da Boyz in that overflowing bucket of love.  It is there and you know what?  All you folks...  Facebook, Blog Buddies and Readers...  you are with me in that bucket of love and, I thank you!

GETTING UP, SHAKING OFF AND CONTINUING ON!

There is this quote attributed to Nelson Mandela that goes something like this; Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

Our lovely new indoor

Bravery comes in so many packages and I bet, most people can't or don't even acknowledge how many brave things they accomplish in their lifetime.  We, human folk, tend to downplay our successes and focus on our hardships and failures. And, sometimes it's easier to quit than to go on.  Oh, and quitting is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it's done consciously.

Not a good morning

Why am I so caught up with this thought of bravery?  Hmmm, is this just one of those posts were it appears to be about someone else but is cleverly disguised to tell you how awesome I am?  Is this where I tell you that I fell off Maisy while jumping and "bravely" climbed back on?  {{{Um, no!  I actually cried like a baby in a humiliating ball of anxiety/shame-filled self-derision.  But, maybe that's for another post.}}}

Read Non Judgement Day

One year ago this week, our indoor collapsed.  For non-horsey folk, it may not have been some earth shattering or devastating tragedy.  "Heck, aren't horse people rich?  Isn't some kind of First World Issue?  Surely, insurance will pay for everything.  Heck, it was just an indoor."

Ok, some of that is true.  But what was also true was that it was part of a small family farm's livelihood and all of their dreams were sitting crushed under a ton of snow and ice.  And, for those of us boarding there, it felt like a death.  We did not know what to do or what to say as we mingled numbly about.  I wrote this blog about how devastating last winter was to barn owners in Massachusetts (Non Judgement Day).  I encourage you to read it.

Still miss her

Today, I honor our Barn Owners and all the other Barn Owners that faced the unknown, got up, shook off the tons of snow, and continued on!

Think about being a business owner who just had a devastating natural disaster, your insurance company tells you that there is no compensation for your loss and your customers are looking like deer in headlights wondering what to do next. They want answers to calm their fears and, you remain strong when you just want to cry.

And, we are getting there!

Courage.  Sometimes you just do the next right thing.  It was an awful winter.  Two weeks later Sugar was euthanized after her pasture accident and, the Barn Owners showed up to support and console.  And, a week later another horse was euthanized due to a spinal tumor and they showed up to support and console.

Courage.  Choosing to obtain financing and rebuild couldn't have been an easy decision but they did the work and with the support of some brilliant boarders and friends, they made it happen.

One year and everything changes.  We have this incredibly beautiful new indoor with spectacular footing.  The barn is full again.  And we smile!

You know, fear is a part of life.  Sometimes I'm afraid that my outfit for work isn't quite right. I can deal with that bit of fear bravely.  What is courageous is not knowing the outcome, showing up anyway and doing the next right thing.  Today, I am so lucky to be a part of the Country Barn...  I honor you!