A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

So, this little confessional could simply start out as an apology to the blogging gods for falling flat on all the stories left untold.  Yet to do so would assume that what I write is something someone would miss.  And really, a little humility goes a long way... 

And, I'm not really sure that going on about my confidence issues or the little PTSD moments that find a way to surface or acknowledging the demons that still live in my brain are even remotely interesting anymore.  You see, even I grew tired of their presence... 

So, no apology..  just a picture...

Used with permission - Spotted Vision Photography

This is the moment, our first competition together, that I realized that I was riding Maisy...  really riding Maisy and not the ghost of my beloved Wild Thing (may she rest in peace).

I was galloping cross country on a horse who sees the world as a curious place.  Her body held eager anticipation of fun and of the joy of jumping da jumps. 

There was no fear, nor were her ears on high alert for danger.  She was happy to be outside on a beautiful day and looking for the jumps. 

I started the course with tense anticipation, worried about whether I could balance her or if she would jump me out of the tack in a green moment and I wondered what I would do if she stopped.  I worried out of habit.  For ten years, I had to have my honey badger grrrrr going on to convince Sug that cross country schooling was fun and that the zombie apocalypse would not happen over a jump.

That smile says it all.  The door has opened wide and I can't wait to gallop through!

Used with permission - www.connecticutphoto.com

So, our start for recognized events will be next year.  The Happy Young Professional has done an amazing job teaching Her Greyness the eventing ropes.  She still has some serious green moments that need some aging.  Like jumping off a Novice bank like its the Head of the Lake.

I believe there will be a schooling horse trial in October on my radar...  Yeah, I think that would be good!

TIME AND TIME AGAIN!

Last night I cupped Maisy's nose in the palm of my hands and gently lifted that velvety softness to my lips and kissed her.  I paused and kissed her again, this time loudly smacking my lips, and  told her that I loved her.  No one saw the tears in my eyes...  It was the moment where I knew that my heart was big enough to love again - fully and completely.  "I really do love you Maisy, I really do..." whispered for  our ears alone.

Grimacing after
falling at a gallop
(long story)

Time is the only thing that heals...  Time.  I rail about not having enough time, or trying to fit everything in and be on time.  My job forces me to plan months ahead so time always has a fleeting feel to it.  Yet, time is our friend if cradled and lived for every moment we have. 

This Fall was hard on so many levels.  Did I tell you that I went back to school?   Traditionally it is my busy season at work but being short staffed compounded an already high stress time and without an indoor, I struggled to do it all.  In my mind, whatever I did fell short of doing a good job on anything.

Maisy and I were doing ok, getting better but I still felt that we were missing a connection...  I was still just riding her, just learning about her, just trying to get it all done and on to the next day.  There was no time.

Our first fox hunt was a bit of a bust...  Someone said that Virginia hunt country horses have some adjusting to do when switching from the big open fields and live hunting to the narrow wooded paths and the stop/start of our New England drag hunting.  I decided to skip hunting her this season and begin again in the Spring or Fall of next year.

With Permission
www.yokinasphoto.com

Sugar was a bit of a challenging horse with her Mariah Carey/diva-like stance on life.  And, there are umteem posts within this blog chronicling them.  What Sugar was, without a doubt, was an amazing Hunt Horse!  I could take her anywhere to hunt and she would be the same - cantering on a dime, would jump everything safely and accurately, would watch the field ahead slow when they slowed and gallop when they galloped, could hold hard and would stand at the check on a loose rein.

My big lovable grey pony!

I ached for her.  I truly felt our loss. 

None of this ache pulled from the love and happiness I had with Maisy.  That is the conundrum.  I could still mourn for what I had and still love what I have.  All in good time...

Last night, I jumped Maisy for the first time since October.  At first, I felt totally stressed, tight and worried that I would ruin my green, eager jumper with my rusty anxious self.  The first jump was... um...  not pretty (ok, not quite ugly).  And, as we were guided,  I became softer, more secure and slowly lost the anxiety.  In the end, I was riding and working with Maisy...  I became a trainer and not a passenger.

The Ghost of Jumping Past was gone and, Her Grayness and I really saw the Ghost of Jumping Present and Future. 

It is about time...

GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT?

Used with permission
 www.connecticutphotos.com

Now, if you are close members of my family or intimate friends there would be a slight intake of breath, a quick move forward and then...  "You went on a date?"   My confused and quizzical look would bring about a sigh, then, "Oh, something with your horse... were you at a show?  And, my sister would get it right, "You had a jumping lesson and it went well.  Am I right?"

I have a dream:

One day, I'll go out on a date and no one will get excited.  And, I'll have a jumping lesson and it will not register as an event - at all! 

Yes, I have a dream!

God bless my trainers!  Both understood that having 6 weeks of little activity and no jumping takes a toll on the average-GRRRR-seeking-on-the-dark-side-of-middle-aged event rider's psyche.  Just before Sugar's injury, I was doing it - jumping novice height over complex courses and feeling like a million bucks.  A break just whittled away the confidence so painstakingly built.

Oh, back to the trainers... I started back with my Dressage Trainer (former Intermediate Eventer and Trainer).  My wild spring hussy needed some taming that first lesson so we worked on regaining the half seat lost while perfecting our winter dressage.  And we jumped a cross rail until Ms Sugar agreed that I was in charge and that a cross rail had no resemblance to the jumps at Rolex and that we could land straight without hijinxs.

True GRRR!

I was very anxious the lesson two days later.  We brought back scary items - the dreaded gate and added some height.  Focus was on rhythm, push from her hind end and...  FOR ME to think about what I wanted upon landing and DO IT!  You see, I tend to spend a bit more time than I should congratulating myself for getting over the jump rather than riding the course... 

Last night, I had no anxiety and I worked hard at setting the intention to have fun.  {{{Sigh...  One day I won't have to work so hard at this.}}}  That, in itself, was a great accomplishment because this lesson was with the Eventing Trainer and we added every scary jump the City Barn had available.  Gates, flowers, oxers and more gates... 

And each jump set felt better.  Sugar was spooky but I was determined to smile and get over the jump and ride a course.  I'm not sure I felt that my riding was pretty but it caused no harm.  The last jump was fantastic...  I had the rhythm, added active leg two strides from the biggest oxer and then gave Sugar her neck. 

Shhhh...  don't tell anyone but that feeling of hitting the jump perfectly and having your horse jump powerfully up, under and through you and then landing lightly is better than _____________!  (Insert your word here.  I'm holding mine back ;)

As I thanked my Eventing Trainer, I told her... "Next time I'm ready for a butt kicking!"

TEACHER, TEACHER, CAN YOU TEACH ME?

So, sometimes when I tell my mom that I have a lesson or am going to a lesson, she'll reply, "I thought you knew how to ride?" And then like the good girl I am, I try to explain why I still take lessons to a non-horsey, non-competitive person. {{{Hmmm, maybe I should just call my trainer a coach... 'cause she understands anything and everything about football.}}}

OHEC XC course buried in 2' of snow

Yesterday's jumping lesson was a good one.  One of the barn kids set up the course for us which, with one minor adjustment, was wholeheartedly approved by the Eventing Trainer and was greeted with angst from this rider.  She included the dreaded green roll top. 

Now, our jumping is getting better and better with bigger jumps and more complex courses.  It has not included any Sugar/Suzanne scary stuff.   And this 13 year old dragged out and dusted off the one scary element left after the snowbirds left for Aiken.

OHEC XC course early fall

I looked Eventing Trainer in the eye and said, "Let's get the green roll top over with!"  She did not coddle me.  She did not reflect on last week's issues and fall at the dark green oxer!  She responded, matter-of-factly, "I think that's a good plan!" 

And, we jumped it!  First like a gazelle trapped by hunters lunging over a 6' fence and then, soon, like a jumping horse.  I heard myself say, at the end of the lesson, "maybe we should bring out hay bales next week".  {{{Who am I?}}}

Spring... soon!

It takes something special to be a good instructor.  {{{Not the "special" kind of special.}}}  The job is not easy...  You deal with weather all the time and sometimes in the extremes.  Your days can be long and your students (particularly adults) are not always fully present.  The gifted ones can push an edge without crushing a spirit.  Challenge without being intimidating... 

I've been very lucky finding my current trainers.  They are honest, hard working and very special (in that good kind of way).  I'm coming out of a 2.5 year struggle and neither gave up on me.  {{{OK, maybe Sugar and I as a pair, which is understandable.}}}

So, let the lessons come and I'll keep explaining why I keep taking them...  And, I will have a smile inside and out 'cause it is getting better and I'm having fun again!

GRATITUDE ROCKS

A sunny,cold day riding
in powdery foot deep
 snow is pretty fabulous!

Trailering Sugar is stressful and trailering to a jumping lesson at another barn adds a new level of stress.  Seems that despite my efforts at taking it easy and going slow with the returning confidence, I still up the ante.  It was 10 degrees and I began to think that this was the stupidest idea I've ever had (and I have had many).

We were alone getting ready for our jumping lesson and my anxiety was climbing when a woman strolled in with a big smile on her face.  "Hi, I'm Grateful Rider, GR for short!  Are you riding with me?  Oh great and she's a pinto!  This is going to be so much fun this morning!"

GR is a working mother with two young children with just enough time to lease a horse for a couple of rides a week.  And today, despite all the weekend obligations of a mother with active children, she managed to schedule a jumping lesson with the guest trainer (mine) who was also the woman that taught her to ride as a young teen.



Joy begets more joy!

As we horse girls do, we chatted about our rides and expectations for the lesson.  She mentioned to me that she hadn't jumped in a long time... wasn't sure what to expect...  knew he was a good boy... and was a little nervous to ride with Eventing Trainer.   And, as you might guess I told her that I was getting back... feeling better about my jumping...  was anxious... and looking forward to lessoning there...

 And we jumped!  Eventing Trainer put together a fantastic gymnastic (bounce, bounce, one stride/oxer, one stride, bounce bounce), with an outside line (four forward, five easy strides) and another angled vertical on the other side. 

Her horse was an easy going, hunterly fellow with an occasional spook.  Their energy was magnificent... happy, forward and peaceful.  I was so excited to ride and said how much I loved being in the same arena with them.


Curiosity and exploration replaces anxiety and dread

GR, as if sitting in the lotus position on top of a mountain overlooking a lush valley, replied, "This is a gift for me... every second I'm in the saddle I just thank god that I have the opportunity to ride.  And to be able to ride this horse, in a lesson with Eventing Trainer is the biggest gift at all.  I try not to make mistakes and I want to do well, yet I always remember that every stride, every jump and every moment is to be cherished."

Hmmmmm....  Hmmmmm...  and, then I thought, "EXACTLY!"

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and that same energy in my heart...  We're jumping Beginner Novice/Novice jumps, the technical aspects of the lessons are getting more complicated and when things aren't perfect, I move on! 

Thank you GR 'cause gratitude really does rock!!!!

JUST BETWEEN US GIRLS, HUH?

Looking ahead to Spring while living "in the moment"!

Still basking in the post-jump lesson glow, I had a thought...  not necessarily a thought I want to share with the Eventing Trainer but a thought that came to me as clear as a glass of fresh spring water.  And, if this blog is truly a confession as it's title indicates, then I must bring this thought to light here... 

I did not approach this lesson as care-free as my last.  No, this lesson had bouts of anxiety interspaced with excitement. 

It was snowing and I began to hope that the Eventing Trainer would cancel because of the winter weather advisory.  "Next week...  yes!  Next week would be better for me." was the prevailing thought running through my head...  "next week".  And, in true eventer fashion, she made it, snow storm and all, making my "next week" into today! 

Snow covered dressage arena
Spring is coming!

Sugar was animated, excited and spooky.  Our warm up was winding around the jumps using 8 and 10 meter circles, leg yielding and doing tons of transitions.  The intent was to keep her mind so busy that she could not focus on anything to spook at...  Sugar became as supple as our dressage work and for the most part, spook-free.

And we jumped...  she was enthusiastically erratic, eager to jump but twitchy as the zombies reached out from under the jumps to caress her belly.  I worked on our mantra - Rhythm and Flow...  rhythm and flow.  It worked like magic as we did our last line spot-on perfect.  I sat up and softly cooed whoa and she slowed just enough to jump the last jump in perfect stride.  I felt like a million bucks...

Just between us girls, huh?

This morning, the thought hit me...  The cure for Sugar's spookiness is higher jumps.  Yes, I said it!  I am confessing...  I believe that Sugar's spooks will diminish as the jumping get more complex.  {{{Note - diminish not disappear!}}}

And, do you know what?  I'm ready for those bigger jumps.  Although, I'm not ready to actually tell my trainer my little secret.  So, if you know who she is...  keep this between ourselves...  ;)

It's gonna be a good year!

YIPPEE-KI-YAY!!!

Was it Sug's Christmas vacation where she was "owned" by a 15 year old Teen? Was it me watching her jumping video where it looked easy and the two of them so free?  Maybe it was the two months of no jumping at all, unless it was in a hunt field?  Maybe it was just that night?  Or perhaps, maybe... something really did click in my brain and the neurons for anxiety weren't firing leaving the fun ones electric?  Maybe...  just maybe!

Used with Permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com

Our first jumping lesson since our "interesting" conclusion to the eventing season was FANTASTIC!  Sugar came into the indoor all fired up - her body too stiff, her neck rigid but her gaits were air bound and her canter coming from her hind end and up. 

Yeah, when I noted how great she felt, the Eventing Trainer chided me not to accept half the horse and to continue to ask for suppleness.  And, no great surprise, her body should be as supple jumping as it is in dressage.  Yet, her excitement was intoxicating (Sugar's not the Eventing Trainer). 

There is a fine line between excitement and anxiety and between electric and unrideable  We rocked that line on the side of excitement and electric.  When we landed after a jump, Sug leaped and bounded.  I did not punish her exuberance but channeled it...  She was not being bossy or rude and I wanted to evoke the energy of that Teen jumping for the fun of it.

Used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

The jumps were not huge and we did have to remove some of the "scary" components.  This ride was about beginnings and there would be time to challenge us with "scary".  Yet, the height of the jumps were promising...  we are getting there.

I did not whine...  I did not provide my dear, patient Eventing Trainer a list of reasons and conditions to how the lesson should go...  I promised myself to trust that she knew what I needed far more than I know what I need.  (OK, there was one tiny moment of "panic" at the very beginning but I stopped myself and smiled internally and said...  "Trust her!")

And for the first time in a long time, when asked if I wanted to do more, I said yes.  I wanted to get a straight line after the gymnastic and balance around the turn (I believe we did a bit of careening) and then finish the course with a straight line after the vertical (rather than let Sugar finish the ride trying to avoid the ground pole).  I wanted to...  do you hear that?  I wanted to...  And that is a gift!

So what was the reason?  I think about it and then really, I don't really care.  If you live in the moment, ride the horse that shows up...  the past, the reasons why don't matter...  And that, folks, is where I hope to live in this year of 2014!

"ADULTS WITH ISSUES"

Daniel Stewart, himself

The story starts the Daniel Stewart Pressure Proof your Riding clinic...  "Way back when, at an International 3*, a Belgium* rider is just three fences from finishing when the horse is broadsided by a duck flying across the course.  Feathers fly and loud squawking occurs as the duck hits the ground...  The rider, rattled by the experience, stops and retires on course just three jumps from finishing...  She couldn't get her focus back!"

"Great riders master both the physical and the mental.  Today it's about increasing mental focus and confidence.  To experience your duck(s) and continue on..." 

And Folks... Game On!  Daniel Stewart was taking no prisoners.  His philosophy was to use the Overload Principle and "push us to fail"!  Our lessons should be harder than a competition and by pushing past your comfort zone, you get better!  Think about that...  overload our brains and teach us to be better by pushing us to fail.  Oh my!

One of the thing he pushed at the end was to "Pay it Forward"  To really embody the concepts and to make them your own, you have to give them away.  So, to be as succinct as possible...  here you go:

Camera couldn't quite capture the course

Our jumping exercise was called the Playground - Three lines of three jumps.  Each rider would have four rounds with each round getting more complicated.  DS would tell us what course to jump as we approached E.  His command would include the line (Outside, Diagonal, Bending, Center), how many jumps to jump AND the time to complete it.

 Every rider had 30 points to give up.  5 points for rails, going off course or taking the "near" side on a bending line, 1 point for every second off the time and 1 point for chipping in or taking the long spot.

Unfortunately, I completely blew it...  every single point.  You see, my Duck was chipping in.  I had the speed down, remembered the course (until the ducks showed up) and was competent.  When DS mentioned that I needed to work on doing the outside line better (improve the physical) so she wouldn't chip...  I began to focus on chipping in... even to the extent that I was counting them for the scribe.  And, "when you're ducking Ducks, you aren't riding!"  {{{OH MY!  I think we have something here.}}}

It was FABULOUS!  I haven't had this much fun jumping in a long time!  Like my horse, we both became more business-like (and less hysterical/spooky) when everything was quick, complicated and required focus.

DS - "Forget about being perfect!  Be excellent!  Focus on what is going well and you continue to improve."   "You are "Adults with Issues".  As you drive up the driveway to the barn, tuck all that craziness away and remember why you do this... for the love of your horse."

Our homework - (He gave us four things but said that we should only keep three):

• Music as Motivation - Put together a Playlist after determining if you're the type of person who either needs to "pump it up" or "Calm Down".  Choose songs that motivate you, that have words that mean something to you.  Have as many as you want but choose 2 or 3 to become your Anthem. 
• Develop Cue Words - Cues your focus.  He gave some awesome examples
• STAR - Sit Tall And Release, Stop Thinking And Relax
• BIG - Breathing Is Good
• LOGO - Laugh Or Get Off
• SUPER - Succeed Under Pressure Every Ride
• Rituals as Stress Stoppers (not going to go into this 'cause its the 4th)
• Targeting - Get in the Zone by targeting some thing in the ride that develops a state of flow - horses breath, sound of the tack... a cadence - "Be strong, push on!"

Fall day in New England - EXCELLENT!

And finally "Build your Equestrian Brand" by incorporating these tasks in to a brand.  For instance, the rider who had SUPER as the Cue Word also had Superman as her song, wore a Superman T-Shirt under her jacket and embodied the spirit.

DS's last comment before he left to catch his plan "Laughter heals and when we can laugh, we get better."

You know...  he's right!  I do this for fun!  I love my horse - quirks and all!  And you know what else, Sugar may be saying the same thing to her friends, "I love my person - quirks and all!  Thanks to Scarlet Hill Farm for hosting! 

* Two quick notes - It may have been another nationality he mentioned but I couldn't confirm on line so I'm going with Belgium.  And I didn't ride poorly and most of what I did was good (I think), I just blew everything on the last exercise (Outside, diagonal, center, bending - 10 jumps 45 seconds).  I got dinged for going off course, 15 seconds when I circled after  missed the center, and then got lost and stopped.)  It was still awesome!

JUST THINKING....

Really?  Just thinking?  Well, do yourself a favor and just stop...  just stop!  For the moment, just be...  Just sayin'!

Don't ya think this is gallop worthy?

A very, very wise woman once told me that wandering alone in your mind can be a very dangerous place.  And I believe that somewhere out there Jimmy Wofford once said that intelligence has no place on the back of a horse.  He is a firm believer in KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid.

The title of my blog includes "... a Convicted Overthinker" and I must once again confess that I, in fact, think waaaaaayyyy too much!  Now some of you may be saying to yourself, "Well, for sure, you didn't need to tell us.  Seriously, do you even read your own writings?" 

My jumping lesson yesterday was fantastic!  And not because I didn't have a panic attack, cry or even fall.  Yesterday, I jumped big (novice height).  I jumped complicated (rollbacks, tight turns and bending lines) and we jumped hard (lots of jumps in a course). 

Don't ya think XC rocks?

I could feel Sug's doubt and added the confidence that makes her bold.  And that feeling came sooner and the confidence more real and committed than its been in a long time.  I still sputtered and cursed (just a bit) to keep me committed to making us work when I had doubt...  we jumped and for the most part we jumped well.

This lesson was about being in the moment.  When asked to do a tight bending line to an oxer, I had a moment ...  the vision in my head was a disastrous fall.  I stopped the train of thought, said out loud for me to hear, "We can do this Sug!  Let's do it!"  And, we did... 

Then the jumps went up again...  My brain kicked in...  How am I going to get her past the spooky corner deep enough to make the short turn to angle the vertical enough to avoid the plank in the center, to hit the small vertical to the rollback...  Wait, how should I do the rollback?  Did she want me to do the yellow and then rollback to the vertical?  Wait, how am I going to get the turn to the vertical to make the jump....

Don't ya think... 2013, my year?

And then my eye stopped going forward and looked at how close we were to the standard and Sug, ran out...  And we all know who is at fault for a runout...  right?  The Eventing Trainer said,  "Do it again!  Sug lost confidence in you after saving your butt the last time.  Now you have to tell her that you are committed to helping her..."

My overactive brain went ballistic...  "OMG, you ruined her!  She lost confidence in you!  You are falling apart!  OMG!  She lost confidence!  OMG!"

Shhhhhhh....  take a breath and make it happen...  Shhhh...  Then my Eventing Trainer said the words that makes my mind settle...  "Do this one more time and you can be finished!" 

We did and we were!

{{{{Note to self - Stay in the moment...  its safer that way}}}}

GETTING TO YES!

Gonna be good!

They say that one of the hardest things about being a salesperson is enduring the many little failures to finally get to success.  There have been times when I've posted a sale only to have a "situation" come up that killed it and I had to take the heat from the management team as I crossed it off the SOLD column and label it as LOST. 

Sales is not all about fabulous lunches, glowing reports and big money...  it is hard work that sometimes requires an internal cheerleading squad kicking you on..

A wise woman once said very early on in this career, "If you don't ask, the answer is always no!  Asking takes you much closer to a yes than holding silent and hoping." 

Yesterday, I did not say no!  Let me repeat, even though I felt that I could not jump any higher than 2'6" on my spooky, bossy mare, when the Eventing Trainer put the jumps up yet again, and even though my brain screamed for release, I did not say no!  I did not say no!

Oh, I wanted to...  the words ran wildly in my brain as I battled my demons...  "Not Ready!", "Let's do that next week!"  "I'll take two lessons next week, and we can do it then."  "Not ready!"  "I'm ok with what we just did."  "We should stop here and let the others come in and use the indoor!"  "Please, let's wait, Please?!"

Somewhere in all those words another battle raged!  The cheering squad finally stood up and challenged the demons... "You can do this!"  "Sug, is better and less spooky at the bigger jumps!"  "You feel so secure in the tack today and nothing has ruffled legs and seat!"  "Honey, it's time... just breathe, stop crying and go... trust me, you'll have fun when it's done!"

Peace and contentment

God Bless the Eventing Trainer and Bestest Eventing Buddy!  It would be so much easier to encourage me to quit than to help me push through these last walls.  And, if the question is not asked the answer is always no!

And, after we did a pretty spectacular line, the ET asked, "You have to admit that that line was really fun, right?"  My sniffling response squeaked out, "Yes" {{sniffle, snort}} "Ask me again in a few hours and I'll tell you how great it was."  True to form, after tack was cleaned and Sugar received her spa treatment and I was alone in the barn, I said (for no one but me to hear), "That was an effen blast!"

"Fun is flying over jumps on your horse!"  It is gonna be ok!

SUCH A WHINER...

Tough to be him

Gosh I love my foxhound, Chandler Bing (aka, Mr Floppy).  He is most adorable, funny and cuddly.  Strangely enough, I've never had an animal that was so loving AND affectionate. 

Jonah (aka, The Convict) loves me...  He is much like the boyfriends of my past - doing things that demonstrate love, giving me things (and for Jonah, that means my dirty socks or barn shoes) that could be about love but never actually using the word "love" ever... 

But, I digress...  this was about whining...  You see, all of Chandler's "love" comes with a NEED to be with me...  If I am not close or he feels that I am leaving, he begins to fret, which becomes a whimper until the whining begins...  And, then the barking and then the yelling...  (ooops, that's me).  That whining is so irritating that one begins to forget the LOVE and, well...

I jumped last night.  And it was good!  My body felt balanced, my lower leg strong and my reflexes just about above average.  And, I was happy... no THRILLED!  The height is coming back and I can feel the progress moving forward.  Unfortunately, all this reflection and all this peace and serenity over my future comes after I'm done (and sometimes hours after I'm done.)

You see, despite all the new age, alternative therapies and positive thinking/projecting I do, I still find myself a whiner at heart.  I wonder sometimes if my Eventing and Dressage Trainers just want to slap me silly when the whimpering starts in all attempts to stop the whining.   (Hmmm, maybe I'm cute and cuddly like Chandler....)

A wise woman once told me (well, tells me many times) that life is about progress, moving one step forward rather than focusing on perfection. 

My Boyfriend

I could quit....  I mean I love dressage and hunting...  so why not?  Why bother "torturing" myself with anxiety, fretting and whining.  Just do the fancy dancing...  It's easy and quite fun when things begin clicking and all that power and grace is contained underneath... enjoying the fine line between control and explosion...

Yeah, I think like that everytime I put the jumping saddle on...  What I know to be true from the very core of my being is that when I jump and when I come off a cross country course...  there is no greater high than the one I was on....  It is that good! 

So, for today...  I wish I wasn't battling my demons with whine!  Yet, the journey has been most excellent and promises to be even more...  I guess I just embraced my inner-foxhound!

HORSES ARE NOT BICYCLES

I met a Wise Woman this weekend...  God makes them and when we find them, it only takes a moment to realize how lucky you really are...

The Start...  Picture galloping this...

There is no greater adventure than leaving on a showcation with the Bestest Eventing Buddy, two fabulous steeds and Da Boys with a packed and loaded DWSB (Double Wide Short Bus).  We were going to Vermont at the peak of the Fall Foliage Season dressed like Barbie Dolls and riding like Cowgirls...  all Cross Country and no Dressage 

This post was supposed to be all about my winning ride at The New England Hunter Trials, hosted by Green Mountain Hounds.  My vision for the weekend was my "how-do-you-get-her-so-white-better-Hunt-Horse-than-Event-Horse" would dazzle the judges with her rhythm, bravery and jumping ability and we would take home all the glory for Old North Bridge Hounds.  Did I not donate blood by practicing opening and closing a gate all weekend long?

Wide open trails and Fall's beauty

{{{Note to the City Barn Folks - that blood curdling scream was just an incentive to open the gate wider to allow Sugar's ample body AND my legs to clear the gap AND the fence post.}}}

I think we, collectively, call this ego...  or, perhaps, in a kinder tone...  a dream!  'Could've been a contendah!

Beauty everywhere!

Green Mountain Hounds is a young Hunt Club, just 14 years old.  They took the challenge of hosting the New England Hunter Trials to heart...  "Build it and they will come".   The course was amazing...  beautiful galloping fields and lovely, safe and inviting natural obstacles (stone walls, coops, banks, brush jumps, post and rails).  Their hospitality was unprecedented even offering stabling and housing for those of us that came a distance.  If you were thinking, "Gee, that sounds nice, but...?"  Let me be the first to tell you, "These folks are absolutely fabulous...  Do it!"

As we walked in this amazing beauty, it became clear that the footing was deep after a week of rain.  After much teeth gnashing, debating, contemplating, deal making and a hastily made call to our MFH... the Bestest Eventing Buddy and I made the decision to scratch...  As one very eloquent person put it later, "It's always better to say "I wish I'd ridden than I wish I'd scratched", that's for sure!"

The BEST COURSE WALK EVAH!

And our Wise Woman said, "Feeling bad about making a good decision is just EGO!"  And as I said to my son when he started riding, "Horses are not bicycles...  you just don't get on, ride and then stand them up in a garage...  you got to take care of them if you expect them to take care of you!"

I love this woman.  We ended a very long ride with the best dog walk ever and a home cooked meal of beef stew, fresh bread, sweet breads, and apple pie with ice cream!  Heaven is everywhere and this weekend we found it in Vermont!

TRASHY SUMMER READING

Oh how I love a good, trashy summer book!  You know the kind, there's always a young beautiful but not quite perfect girl who works a hard, but glamorous job under the difficult reign of a rich boss.  While on a project/vacation or adventure, she meets an arrogant difficult man.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

They argue, fight, fall in love, something horrendous happens that tears them apart... each living in pain, loneliness and disappointment until SOMETHING happens that brings them breathlessly together again.  And, they live happily ever after.

The best contain some steamy moments...  you know what I mean {{wink, wink}}!  And, guys?  Yes, Westerns, Spy novels and even Sci Fi can fall into Trashy Summer Reading...  Oh yeah!

So, if I was writing my own story...  I kind of think, that maybe, just maybe Sugar and I have crossed into that part in the story where we are breathlessly coming together...  (without the steamy sumthin' sumthin' going on).

 Last night's off-farm jumping lesson could be that SOMETHING.  The course before me included barrels and a white panel.  My Eventing Trainer kindly suggested that we do something other than the dreaded barrels to begin the course.  I looked at her and said, "Nope, we're doing the barrels now!"  

What was earth shattering?  My GRRRR was complete.  No whining, no paralyzing fear, no anxiety (other what is normal)... just the resolution, (dare I say confidence?) that we are capable and can do!  Again "CAN DO!"  

Lots of Grrr, 2010

Sug peeked.  I firmly asked and the rest was amazing! (Maybe THAT was the hot, steamy moment, hmmm.)  

There is something magical about a group lesson.  The two girls in my group were not experts.  Both were riding borrowed horses and neither jumped regularly.  They showed up a little nervous, somewhat concerned but full of smiles and eagerness.   Their willingness to do something challenging in front of their peers gave me courage.  

And Sug?  She was happy to be there...  And, as if a light switch was turned on...  she wanted to jump, was eager to jump...  still my spooky girl but forward and light!  It was the gift of all gifts...

Happily ever after...???

POWER IT FORWARD

Mr Floppy looking woeful

In December, it started with tears of desperation and embarrassment...  what became of what we were?  Have we lost everything?  When will it be what it once was?  Then you take a million steps back, swallow whatever pride you have left and beg your ego to be part of the solution instead of the stick used to cause pain.

Two stride Novice height

There is voice in your head, so close to the surface just SCREAMING at you to QUIT!  Nothing is worth this anxiety, fear and self-imposed humiliation.  You can hear the whisper...  "You like dressage... and it feels good when the power is collected and the body springs forward...  yeah, you like dressage...  why don't you forget about this thing called eventing and just do dressage?"

And you stick with it because somewhere in your screaming head you know that there is nothing like eventing... the freedom and thrill of a great cross country run.  So, you find the right help while the Snowbirds enjoy the sunshiny warmth and the pleasures of Florida.

Boxes.. to the barrels

The Professional Friend who works on your PTSD  brings you closer to peace.  The City Barn Instructor and her sturdy, students just jumping school ponies, through spooks, missed striding and all sorts of mayhem, as if the courses were a part of the World Equestrian Games.  They scream for more jumps, more height and their enthusiasm builds into yours.

Dreaded barrels
Jumpin on Dunkin'

Today at my Jumping Intensive...  the barrels loomed in front of us and for one moment, I could hear the screaming and it wasn't my inner B A Honeybadger.  Then, the sweet advice filtered through... getting clearer and clearer...  "Power into that jump as if you mean it!" "Power!  Power! Power!"  And my lil' Pinto Pony, dropped her energy into her hind end and we were lifted up... and over as if the very earth carried us fluidly and strongly.

And for those of you who may not know...  Barrels are not a Sugar favorite and subsequently not my own. Yet today, the barrels are a symbol of the beauty of perseverance... cause today, I can truly say...  We're gonna be ok!!!  Really, truly OK!  And that has me smiling!  Broadly smiling!

Happy Easter!  Happy Spring!  Let the rejoicing continue!

DE HONEY BADGER DOES NOT RIDE BACKWARDS

I can not get enough of this video on the delightful Honey Badger (PG rated for language).  Like the hyena, I laugh at it every time... that's right, everytime.  Still giving thanks for fellow blogger for putting my head on straight with her inspirational themed blog (salty language warning)...   My performance self will now clearly be the Bad A** Honey Badger (BAHB)...  'cause the BAHB don't give a sh** (not care)!



Used with permission
http://www.dexterpix.com/



My entry to King Oak Farms Spring Horse Trials has been sent and I am back in the game.  Now, let me be honest...  KOF has not ever been the best of our outings...  ever.  The atmosphere is electric, tight warmup areas and stadium jumping is within earshot of the dressage arenas.

My lil' girl often stays home and sends her evil twin Saccharin in her place.  Oh, we have a solid record there:

• Dressage scores that would make you proud if you were competing at a USEF or International competition. (Yes... once a 53.)
•  Elimination in stadium at the last jump in front of lots of spectators
• A stop on XC at the second jump in front of lots of spectators

Despite the actual Event being extremely well run, with beautiful jumps and great footing...  I decided several seasons ago to put my efforts into volunteering rather than in humiliating myself.



Used with permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com



But, guess what?  My Inner B A Honey Badger don't ride backwards!  'Cause the BAHB don't care!  This year... we do not give a sh**!  We'll ride like we don't care...  no matter what!  This year, KOF will be ours!  We do not ride backwards...

And, this past weekend, fully prepared to evoke the Inner BAHB at our weekend Jumping Intensive, Sugar and I only needed a moment and then we rode like the Hunter Princess.  We had the brains, the presence and the desire to be balanced, rythmic and forward... jumping strongly and calmly ... in stride.  My smile could be heard 'round-the-world!

Sugar and I are moving forward...  'cause we don't care no more about the past

FINE LINE BETWEEN ANTICIPATION AND ANXIETY

Mornings should be greeted with a burst of energy...  The day's start could very well be the stamp of its success.  I choose to savor the sunrise, breathe in the fresh air and enjoy my galloping pooches.  Time's a wastin' and life must be lived!

Used with permission
www.dexterpix.com

Special note - lest you think that I am overwhelmingly perky, most of those mornings start out with left arm curls, precisely hitting the snooze button every nine minutes.  And I kind of believe that if it weren't for bodily functions - dogs and human, I might not be such a morning person...  just sayin'!

Yippee, hip, hip hooray!  I'm heading out on an adventure with my Bestest Eventing Buddy for our first Jumping Intensive with the final returning Snowbird!  I can hear the birds sing, the trumpets blast...  we're going jumping, we're getting ready for the Season...  All will be well and the world is right again.  I am sooo excited.

Did you know that there is a fine line between eager anticipation and anxiety?  Where total happiness and excitement turn into the ...  "What was I thinking?!" apprehension and stress...  Yup, that is the energy that must be acknowledged and then placed aside to allow the joy and eagerness to flow easily through.

Used with permission
www.dexterpix.com

So I have seen and felt the return of my Grrrrr...  the PTSD work, the gentleness of the City Barn instructor's lessons and the return of Snowbirds are putting me back on track.  I'm jumping bigger jumps, added some Sugar-scary obstacles and I find that even if I have a panic attack, my brain and body are still functioning as a Novice Rider.   

And like a fellow blogger stated so eloquently in her last  Blog (warning Salty Language) today's adventure to our weekend jumping intensive needs to evoke the Inner Bad A** Honey Badger.

Let the games begin!!!!

PATIENCE AND KINDNESS - OUTSIDE AND IN

One year I just gave up making New Year's resolutions... you know, the kind where you're going to lose weight, exercise everyday, balance your check book and keep a clean and tidy house.  They never really worked and well, you never felt good when you left them in the dust.  

Instead of resolutions, I made attitude adjustments.   The best (which I still need a reminder from time to time) was the commitment to be a kinder and gentler human being.  Making the change from being an authoritarian to a mentor (and not one of those "mentors" that is really a bossy control freak) wasn't easy.  It was, actually, the gift of all gifts because as I learned to be kind and gentle to others I had to do the same to me.  And folks, that is not an easy task... no it is not!

I haven't felt whole in a while.  I believe that my confidence was still fragile after the infamous tree incident and shattered when Sugar and I fell while foxhunting.  Pushing myself to "get back' did more damage than any of the falls.  Everyone - trainers, friends and fellow riders - have been supportive in my quest to restore my GRRRR.  The only person pushing me...  is me and it hasn't been working.  A kinder and gentler response to my fear and anxiety has to come from within. 

In the spirit of confession, it is true that sometimes you need something else...  like a trainer, not for dressage or jumping, but one for your mind.  Yup, some trainer/psyschologist that specializes in PTSD.  I am not ready to quit, well not eventing, but I would love to quit all the anxiety/panic attacks and get back to the place where nerves equal just harmless annoying verbal diarrhea.

Sunday was the very first jumping lesson that seemed normal since the "Lost Season of 2011". Normal really is an overstated term... You see, I did not have a panic attack, I did not have an emotional break down and I did not cry. I began the lesson with a sense of eagerness which turned into fun. The jumps were just 2'3". Without the worry of height, I could focus on all those pieces that when put together nicely, allow for rythm and flow with power and grace.


Used with permission
http://www.flatlandsfoto.com/



The Instructor at the City Barn is kind and patient.  Bless her heart, she's honored the Eventer I was and offers the reinforcement I need now to help me continue in my quest.  And who knew how therapeutic it would be to be in a class of talented beginners... their struggles and successes boister my confidence.  I am grateful for this connection.

And the trainer fixing my head/heart is working one issue at a time...  and I can see faintly that rythmic gallop and cross country run that makes all of this worth it...  worth every tear, every penny...  it's all good!