AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT!

Phew!  Opening Day in Area 1 has come and gone yet the dreaming of a wildly successful season wafts through my brain and enters every ride. 

Yes! 20's here we come!

Every graceful upward canter transition, every smooth effortless trot to walk movement and every swinging, flowy free walk screams that this is the season to break into the 20's.  I dream of cross country schooling when I see the snow covered jumps in the farm across the way...  WE'VE GOT THIS YEAR!  This is the one! 

And then, perusing through posts past, I wonder...  Sugar and I were good, weren't we?  Ok, our record reflected my college career - we either aced it or flunked.  Then I think, wait... we had the training, great coaching, talent, desire, a good work ethic and the desire to do well.  And, dear god, we had GREAT lessons and performed relatively well in clinics....  What was missing?

Used with Permission

What was missing?  Ok, some were obvious - missing GRRRR, Honey Badger stick-to-itness in hybernation, the kick ass Cowgirl was replaced by a truck and a bull horn...  but, we still were ok with all that...  What was missing?  Hmmmmm....

Last year, Maisy was amazing with her Happy Young Professions (HYP).  She was green, game and seemed to love showing off without being a diva.  The HYP brought her along consistently and lovingly.  I did compete her at the end of the season  I was still myself with a missing GRRRR but it was fun and hard and fun...  What was the change?  What was the change?

OK, some of you are saying, "that this all so obvious!  Please, get with the picture, you have a new horse!"  Maisy is sooooo different and that she is what the change is!  JEEZ, do I have to give you a head smack?"  Sighing and shaking your head, you walk away...

A bit exuberant!

Well, what if I told you that I know what the problem was all those years coming home from a show with my head bowed and my bottomed muddied?  What if I told you that I know what made the difference last year and what will make the difference this year?  And, what if I shared this secret and your season takes off in a manner so successful that you will be giving yourself that head slap... huh?  Ready?

Hmm... better get a new one!

I blame the USEA.  Do you remember getting a sticker every year when you renewed your membership? 

Yeah, for the first 4 years competing Sugar, I had a USEA sticker on my car and my trailer.  Those years we were kicking butt and taking names.  Then, I got a new truck and trailer timed exactly when the USEA gave out magnets.  Magnets are nice but I have 7 of them on my refrigerator and none on car, truck or trailer.  Our results got sketchy.

Along comes Maisy, USEA sticker (bought at the Annual Meeting) on car, truck and trailer...  She rocks with HYP and I begin to rock on her and at shows...  Call me crazy but the luck is in the USEA Sticker.

Today, after another snow storm, mine looks like this...  I'm left pondering... is this good enough?

WISHING FOR THE WRONG THING

May our dreams come true!

Are you the wishing type?  Do you ever find yourself on the eve of the big lottery wishing for all the things you could do with the big win?  Or how about leaving for work just a tad bit late and wishin that the traffic gods are in your favor?  Sometimes I find myself wishin that Da Boyz will have dinner waiting for me... 

Maisy and I completed our very first Horse Trial together this Sunday.  Ok, it was a schooling show and I entered Advanced Elementary (2'3") but it was the first time in 2 years for me.  That is a big deal... a very big deal!

There may be a day in the future where I tell you that I greeted the day with lightness of heart and eagerness of mind and body.  But, it wasn't this day.  My morning's coping skill was tearfully asking the Barn Owner why I was doing this and what was the point of putting myself through such agony.  Yet, I still kept moving forward with the many tasks needed to just show up.

Hey, can I tell you something?  Maisy is not Sugar.  Wow!  Our dressage warmup was... boring.  Well, it was workman-like and flowing but without the airs-above-ground Grand Prix movements performed by a displeased Mariah Carey wannabee. 

When I finished my test, the Happy Young Professional asked me what it felt like to focus on straightness, the quality of the gaits and the accuracy of the test rather than containing or managing explosions.  WOW!

Shhhh, don't tell anyone...

As I walked cross country, I missed Sugar.  I wanted to be riding her over this course and not Maisy.  You see, despite all of our missteps, I knew what was under me.  Whatever version of Sugar that showed up, I knew I could handle it.  Maisy?  I was going into the great unknown.

The HYP riding Maisy's version of the Head of the Lake

"Dear god (not a prayer), it was only 2'3"!  Get over yourself!"

My pre-show pep talk was all about telling my Horse Peeps (and anyone who'd listen to me) that the worse thing that was going to happen was that I would be mad that I trotted everything.  I know that Maisy can trot a 4' wall.

I could feel the enthusiasm drain from my body as the anxiety flowed in.  Rescue Remedy and EFT (tapping) did not seem to be helping.  Anxiety, for me, feels like body weakness and the more anxious I am, the more physically weak I feel.

Help me stay present!

Did I mention that Maisy is not Sugar?  I have never ridden a horse who just jumps whatever is in front of her without spooking either at something around the course, near the jump or over the jump.  She is enthusiastic and sometimes charges the stadium course... but...  Wait!  She jumps!  Everything!

So proud of this! 

I lost my grrrrr after SJ and did trot most of the XC course...  And, I do think... I wished I cantered more!

BUT,  I. CAN. NOT. WAIT. FOR. 2017!!!!!  That kind of wishing... is the good kind of wishing.

Rest in Peace my beloved Sugar, loving you for all you were will never change.  Now it's Maisy's turn!

GHOSTS OF INJURIES PAST

I confess I am an overthinker and, I believe I am not alone.  There is a ghost lurking about... a spirit, if you will...  there is a whisper that maybe Sugar is still Not Quite Right (NQR). 

Puppies are worry free

Who knows for sure?  I, for one, can no longer judge or feel what is real because the ghost of her last injury haunts me.  "Is she ok?"  "Is she losing her hind end?  "Why is she doing that?"   "Hey, can you just look at her and tell me if there is anything wrong?"  "Can you look at her and tell me what you think?"  "Why does her neck keep popping when we do carrot stretches to the left?"  "Does she look dull to you?"

Is there anyone out there?

Next weekend is our first event of the season and my neurosis grow stronger...  "Is she ok?  Is there anyone out there?"

It occurred to me that wondering/obsessing/ignoring/moving on/worrying was not going to make for a good event or even a clear head.  The eerie haunting, either from the fear of hurting her further, of getting hurt because she tried and failed or forcing a hurt horse to perform, is so consuming that the joy of an adventure is barely a whisper.

 So, I called the vet and asked her to come out and give her opinion.  Call it an exorcism, a saging of bad spirits or a cleansing of energy, when she gives me her blessing, Sugar and I are moving on!   I truly suspect (as does the millions of folks I've bothered) that she will say she is fit to do Beginner Novice at GMHA.

And, I feel good underneath the worry...  I feel like we are gonna be ok!  Vet visit first and then, let the games begin!

GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT?

Used with permission
 www.connecticutphotos.com

Now, if you are close members of my family or intimate friends there would be a slight intake of breath, a quick move forward and then...  "You went on a date?"   My confused and quizzical look would bring about a sigh, then, "Oh, something with your horse... were you at a show?  And, my sister would get it right, "You had a jumping lesson and it went well.  Am I right?"

I have a dream:

One day, I'll go out on a date and no one will get excited.  And, I'll have a jumping lesson and it will not register as an event - at all! 

Yes, I have a dream!

God bless my trainers!  Both understood that having 6 weeks of little activity and no jumping takes a toll on the average-GRRRR-seeking-on-the-dark-side-of-middle-aged event rider's psyche.  Just before Sugar's injury, I was doing it - jumping novice height over complex courses and feeling like a million bucks.  A break just whittled away the confidence so painstakingly built.

Oh, back to the trainers... I started back with my Dressage Trainer (former Intermediate Eventer and Trainer).  My wild spring hussy needed some taming that first lesson so we worked on regaining the half seat lost while perfecting our winter dressage.  And we jumped a cross rail until Ms Sugar agreed that I was in charge and that a cross rail had no resemblance to the jumps at Rolex and that we could land straight without hijinxs.

True GRRR!

I was very anxious the lesson two days later.  We brought back scary items - the dreaded gate and added some height.  Focus was on rhythm, push from her hind end and...  FOR ME to think about what I wanted upon landing and DO IT!  You see, I tend to spend a bit more time than I should congratulating myself for getting over the jump rather than riding the course... 

Last night, I had no anxiety and I worked hard at setting the intention to have fun.  {{{Sigh...  One day I won't have to work so hard at this.}}}  That, in itself, was a great accomplishment because this lesson was with the Eventing Trainer and we added every scary jump the City Barn had available.  Gates, flowers, oxers and more gates... 

And each jump set felt better.  Sugar was spooky but I was determined to smile and get over the jump and ride a course.  I'm not sure I felt that my riding was pretty but it caused no harm.  The last jump was fantastic...  I had the rhythm, added active leg two strides from the biggest oxer and then gave Sugar her neck. 

Shhhh...  don't tell anyone but that feeling of hitting the jump perfectly and having your horse jump powerfully up, under and through you and then landing lightly is better than _____________!  (Insert your word here.  I'm holding mine back ;)

As I thanked my Eventing Trainer, I told her... "Next time I'm ready for a butt kicking!"

GRRRR GONE WILD!

Sometimes you just gotta break some rules...  you know... get a little bad, make a little madness and just let go!  Yeah, that feels real nice and a little naughty...  Unfortunately, as a Master (old) Rider, the only rules I'm breaking (and way too often) are Judy Rossi's Four Rules of Eventing:

Four Rules of Eventing

1. Leave together and come back together
2. Don't scare the spectators
3. No crying in Eventing (unless its with sheer joy in the moment)
4. Nobody cares on Monday

Course Walks at Sunset...  a bonus for Eventers!

The only rule I did not break at Town Hill Horse Trials this weekend is #3.  I did not cry and I believe after I had a moment of cursing as I watched the white buttocks galloping away, I laughed.  We were having a most awesome XC run... galloping in stride, a horse jumping up and under me and a lightness of heart and the thrill of the moment...  until that second when I over-reacted and Ms Sugar reacted in kind and thus broke Rules #2 and then Rule #1.  And I will be telling this story again on Monday (#4).

Sometimes a trainer is just a trainer - "Do this, more hind leg, do that again and (my personal favorite) Well, I wouldn't have done it THAT way!" - tuning you up to perform well, maybe even better than expected.   And other times... their words are sheer genius...  At Town Hill, my Eventing Trainer did not tell me to "get after her", "growl at her", "get a little mad", "be mad"...  no, this time she quietly said, "Ride her calmly and tactfully!  Let her know you mean business but be calm, be tactful and pat her if she seems to be ramping up.  Be determined, calm and tactful!"

Hmmm, do you think she was trying to make a point?

Bestest Eventing Buddy at PT

Sug had the agitation of a mare in high heat.  I had her brain but it seemed to be perched on the edge of a Mariah Carey diva fit.  She warmed up like a lady for dressage with just an occasional leap.  Calmly and tactfully using walk trot transitions to keep her brain and engage her body.  Canter leg yields loosened her up where I actually felt a supple back and neck.  Then we moved to the second warm up area between the two dressage rings and wah lah, like magic, Mariah Carey showed up.  And, the challenge was to make it to the arena without an explosion. 

Our dressage test was much like my college grades...  A's and F's with little in between.   I do think we impressed the judge with tempe changes on the right lead canter circle.  We got a 5 for the movement (generous) but I think she gave me the extra point for clean changes on a 20 meter circle.  35.4 - 10th place - "Tactful ride on difficult tense horse."  Middle of the Pack - Yay us! 

On to the jumping phases!  The progress I'm making on my nerves (panic attacks/anxiety) is steady.  I'm no where near cured and still scream in my head before the jumping phases.  I'm just getting better slowly.  I've learned to meditate and clear my brain of demons as often as possible... slowly.  The work I'm doing on my anxiety has everything to do with "being in the moment" and breathing with deep yoga breathes... soothing me, allowing life to fill my lungs and relaxing my horse. 

Town Hill is a fabulous event which upped the anty this year.  Tremaine Cooper redid the XC track and it was a great improvement on an already fine venue.  The course was gallopy, used the undulation of the Connecticut hills and added some great questions (not for horses new at this level).  Stadium Jumping is always challenging here but Sug and I seem to like it because we always go clean.  This year's had some fascinating turns that made it look fun.

Our Stadium Jumping was the best ever!  We were calm.  I rode tactfully, tight in the tack with a strong lower leg.  I allowed her to jump after making it clear (calmly) that nothing would jump out and bite her.  And she did in the most hunterly fashion... in rhythm with a good jump.  I was elated - Double Clear!  Then off to XC.

(I have witnesses...)

Our XC run was amazing... for the first time in a long time, we galloped at jumps and jumped them in stride.  Nothing seemed to bother us...  not the white house with the green top (#3), not the big brush jump, not even the ditch four strides to the gray house (#7 & #8).  My trainer felt that I was a little tough with my seat at the feeder combination (#10a and b).  My line through the water took us in the path of a Training house and I knew if I had asked she would have taken it.  She galloped through that water and then two strides up and over the roll top.

This is the buttocks
Picture it riderless! ;)

Fence 13 is a bench filled with hay bales.  Now, if you read this blog you might know that Sug and I have "hay bale issues".  Many an E has been at hay bale filled jumps - not all - but many.  I was determined to JUMP THAT JUMP!  When Sugar picked her head up, 7 strides away, in a spook like motion, I spanked her (hard?) on her shoulder.  And, my athletic-one-tempe-changes-can-canter-in-place-and-leap-into-the-air lil' pinto pony did a 180, spinning her Master (old) Rider off onto the ground just three jumps from the finish.

The poor jump judge...  After she asked me if I was ok, she said somewhat still startled, "You guys looked great through the water.  I never saw anything spin so fast!"  Thus violating #2 - Don't scare the spectators.

It was not a tactful correction followed up by a supporting leg.  It was an over-reaction to a perceived threat that, I believe, actually proved to Sugar that something will jump out and bite her.  Yes, she was over dramatic...  I think if I had followed the day's advice, "Be determined! Ride calmly and tactifully!" at worse we would have had a refusal but maybe we would have jumped the jump.  Who knows!

Those ears, like that, are telling a story!

Best line of the day...  Sug took off like her butt was on fire.  (God, she is beautiful galloping riderless!)  And after being caught, they asked my Bestest Eventing Buddy if she wanted the vet to look at her...  Stonefaced and innocent she replied, "Why?  Does she want to euthanize her?"  Gotta love Eventers!

Next time...  maybe we won't need the GRRRRR, maybe we should use the grrrrr instead!  I'm still smiling...  it was a good weekend that might have been great!  I'll smile knowing that it was good and be ok with that!

WINNING!

Gosh, I wish that title meant that we, Sugar and I, are back in the game!  Alas, I just got the ok from Orthopedics to go back into full work and the "proposed" first Event is the University of New Hampshire Summer Horse Trials in July.  (Sugar's first event was GMHA on 6/1- more about that later.)

Winning is still winning even if it means winning the Area 1 Adult Riders Scholarship "to promote knowledge of and skill development in the sport of eventing" through writing and not actually riding.  My essay was simple and should be no surprise to anyone who reads this blog:

Addendum to the USEA Area 1 Educational Scholarship Application

Every rider in some way or another struggles with nerves. As a Competitor, it sometimes comes as part of showing, attending a clinic or even a lesson. We know it, work on it and learn to live at peace with it…

And, when “nerves” become a bit more like anxiety and sometimes becomes debilitating, a person either quits or seeks out professionals who can help them walk through the walls holding them back.

When we were care free!

For me, I was always a worried rider but when I got seriously hurt competing at Groton House Farm in 2010, worry intensified into full blown anxiety attacks. My, already fragile, confidence was shattered after my horse slipped and fell on me after jumping a wall during a foxhunt. Although neither of us were hurt, I would break down before and during jumping lessons. It was not a pretty sight.

I worked on these very serious issues with a Psychologist specializing in PTSD work. I got better and began to function again. Jumping was still hard work but my brain did not shut off. Even though I was not riding at the level I was before the accident, there was slow progress.

As I healed, the issues became as much about dealing with an athletic, opinionated spooky mare as my nerves. My psychologist tried but could not help with the riding issues and resulting anxiety. I believe that a Psychologist that events and teaches riding could be the final spot of glue that pulls the pieces together. 

You might say, “You could quit rather than putting yourself through this.” I would reply, “For two years preceding the fall, my most challenging part of eventing was the dressage warm up or maybe getting by the judges box without a spooky tight horse. I know we can get back what we lost (without the antics in the warm up or tightness, hopefully) with just a bit more “specialized” help. Eventing is what I want to do – no doubt about it.

Used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

This scholarship will help me put together an intensive workshop with Andrea Waldo, founder of the Stressless Riding program.. It will be structured as follows:  

• Day 1 – Therapy first, then a lesson
• Purpose – talk about what is going on before riding, then have Andrea teach me after the session
• Day 2 – Therapy during a lesson 
• Purpose – talk me through my anxiety during lesson
•  Day 3 – Lesson first, then Therapy
• Purpose – lesson, then help me cope with moving forward 

Finally, as a blogger and writer for Optimum Minutes… I’ll be able to effectively communicate the experience to others and make it fun and educational.

Suzanne Adams – Rider
Fame & Frolic (aka Sugar) – Horse

So the dates for my very own behavioral health (crazy, middle-aged master rider)clinic are 6/14-6/16.  No matter what the result, it will be worth the effort and I am very grateful to have this opportunity.

YAY ME!

THREE'S A CHARM

Let's just take a moment out and honor the history recorded in Facebook posts:

Photo used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

10/10/12 @ 8:59pm   - "Suzanne had a great ride tonight and is contemplating dressage... Uh HUH!

• Dressage lesson was powerful, precise.  I had a loose, supple obedient horse with jump in her canter and loft in her trot.  A heady feeling of oneness and moments of true partnership.

10/11/12 @ 8:37pm - "Suzanne is really working on lowering her expectations for Course Brook Horse Trials this weekend... after two fabulous rides on her pinto pony...  She is out of control!

• On my own, I continued to capture the feeling of suppleness, relaxation while maintaining the power of a beautiful horse.  I could see the win in our brilliant return to Novice (emphasis on brilliant).

10/12/12 @ 10:30am - "Suzanne thinks there is a better way to do a pre-show jumping lesson than being dumped twice... {{{Note to self - do not test a stronger bit the day before said show!}}}

Old bit
Photo by
 www.dexterpix.com

• So, since she was soo strong at GMHA AND I use a Pelham hunting with great results, we decided to try it out for Eventing. She was delightful on the flat and appeared to move into the bit when asked to move forward.  I blamed the first fall on perhaps me leaning on the approach although my trainer wasn't sure what happened.  We continued jumping small stuff at a trot and all seemed well.  
• The second fall was at the first approach to a bigger oxer...  Sug raised up, coming off the ground and then collapsed in the center of the oxer and then leapt up again to clear the second rail.  I did not clear the first one.  Clearly overbitted!!!
• We finished the lesson in her old bit feeling confident that she was over the trauma...

10/12/12 @ 9:21pm - "Suzanne has, for the first time EVAH, not bathed Ms Sugar for her show tomorrow. She has curried and brushed to cleanse but not to wet the pinto pony.  Hopefully, she will be grateful and carry on well tomorrow.

• The atrocity of it all...  really?  You did not bathe a white horse?  Really?  Who cares that the temp was dropping and would be 28 overnight!  Is she not the "How-do-you-get-her-so-white" horse?  {{{Appalled}}}

10/13/12 @ 2:42pm - Suzanne must go back to basics and set her goal to complete AND stay on... Just sayin'!

Not white...

That was one long lead in to say that Eventing is truly a sport designed to keep a girl humble.  There are a million ways to win and as many, to lose.  If you don't love every single bit of it, then it would be best to find another sport or hobby... 

You see, the horse that I rode that day was full of power...  not that beautiful power of a floaty trot or a springy canter but the power of a ticking time bomb.  As you ride your warm up, you're spending time figuring out which wires you need to cut to stop the ticking while avoiding the ones that accelerate the destruction.  The test was done while the ticking continued yet never reaching the point of explosion.  The judge was a bit harsh - 52.5.

Just a second to talk about what a 52.5 should look like 'cause I have ridden that test more than once in our past.  It should've have looked like a spooking, spinning mare who flips her leads with ease and grace while protesting forward motion.  This 52.5 was nothing near that.

The hat trick came in Stadium Jumping.   I had a jumping horse underneath me in the warm up and I felt calm and confident (after the normal pre-show meltdown).  Yes, there were spooky things but, I had the encouragement of my big girl spurs.  I was gonna enjoy the ride but ride every stride.

Um, jump one and two felt awesome...  three had just a hint of hesitation but Sug went when asked.  Four was the first oxer in a combination...   I did not give her the best approach but certainly not a bad one for a horse with Ivy League training.  She went up and finished  in the middle of the oxer.  I almost came off but happily stayed on.  

Working hard...

After they repaired the fence, I went back with more leg and determination....  this time I did not stick the landing.  And thus ended my move back to Novice.

Was it the bad jump school?  Did Sugar lose her confidence?  Should I retire her from Eventing 'cause, as some say, maybe she just wants to be a hunt horse?  The last question is mine to answer...  And, today...  the answer is, "No...  not yet...  No...  not yet!"

The great thing is that I am back to being like every other Eventer.  I had a bad show...  it wasn't our day...  My confidence is still intact!  I still have my GRRRR!  The desire still runs thickly through my body...  It just wasn't our day...  that's it!  Now, let's get back in the game...  one last time!

And, I'll end on a Facebook moment:

"Riding is like flying...  anyday you can walk away was a good flight!"  Pingree Hill Farm

Uh Huh!!!

LET THERE BE LIGHT!

And God said, "Let there be light: and there was light." 

GMHA- back field coming home... neither of my jumps

I so want to keep this as simple as possible but, then...  why have a blog?  So, we completed GMHA, did not fall off anywhere on or off the course AND for the first time since we hit the tree at Groton House Farm Horse Trials, Sugar and I had fire in our bellies!

 Watching Sugar in her stall, Friday night, did not give me confidence that this was going to be a good go for us.  In just a mere 3 hours, she managed to develop a deeply fulfilling and all important relationship with a young gelding.  This Cougar could not get enough of her young cabana boy.  She frantically called out her desire as we cruelly separated them in adjoining stalls.  And, as she playfully danced her dance of a love lost, I watched the thousands of dollars in maintenance care and depo shots disappear as she leaped, reared and kicked out her unrequited desire.

Photo used by permission
www.edfarm.com

Dressage was nice... steady and obedient... just one tiny spook.  Just a reminder to all my eventing friends...  immediately after completing one show, find out what dressage test you're doing at the next show.  'Cause, I was "surprised" that I had been doing Test A for months and Test B shows up for this show.  Ooops, sorry for that late transition and excuse me if our circles were cut a teensy weensy bit short.  Ended up 3rd with a 33.8.

Stadium Jumping  was decent.  GMHA, bless their hearts had heard of Sugar's dislike of the lattice, gate, roll top or any jump with stuff and plugged up every piece of the feared material with lovely soft flowers selected for their soothing colors.  We were forward, fast and clean with nary a spook or a discussion on the merits of leaping over colorful poles or boxes.  Double clear - still in 3rd place.

Ahhh, to be a Beginner Novice rider again...  XC was scheduled just minutes before the lights went off and the crowds went home...  3:56.  Wow, that is alot of time to carefully do your course walk for the third time, prepare for the ride home, read three novels, discover the key to world harmony AND to fine tune those nerves to a new level.

Town Hill Farms 9/12
Photo used with permission www.connecticutphoto.com

Ah yes, the Course Walk with the Event Trainer... When I compete without a coach, I walk the course with the Bestest Eventing Buddy and we invoke our inner Event Trainer - hearing her words and phrases as they relate to our horses.  Well, sometimes, they get a little garbled in self translations because as we walked, I told her what I thought and she tweaked it.  And, sometimes, it was a downright...  "OHHHHH, that makes more sense!" 

And the all time favorite -  "No matter what! Do not take Sugar for granted!  Ride her every step of the way!"

We left the start box as one, no nerves - just two bossy alpha mares going to work.  She had a tiny discussion at the blue house, a bigger question at the yellow house and, then like it had been for years, she was on fire!  She kept telling me to stop nagging her, she knows everything and the faster she ran, the sooner she could be near her lover.  Those things in her way....  "just let me at them, I gotta date in 4.06 minutes".  And, I mostly let her have her way as long as she acknowledged, "rider on board" when I gave her a tug or two.

So the "toughest" jump on the course was 8A (brush jump) and 8B (small coop) on a bending line back to the barn but away from the beautiful galloping hill in front of us.  On the course walk, we had a lovely chat about the rules and what I should do if she jumped big, I lost my stirrups, etc.  The plan - go up to the left and then come down to the coop... do not cross your line. 

Town Hill Farm
photo used with permission
www.connecticutphoto.com

• "But, ET? Could I not try to turn my handy, athletic mare in the air and make the "sharp" turn? 
• "Yes, you could if she was completely under you and you executed a plan.", said ET.

So let me remind everyone that just a mere four months ago and for most of the summer, I had no confidence... nada, nothing...  just making it ... barely as an eventer.

So, we come to 8A and I ask my lil' pinto pony to sit on her buttocks and come up under me as we come to the Brush Jump.  She gathered and I gave her just a little nudge with my spur and, um...  she exploded upward, hit the ground and galloped towards the hill in front of us...  And, as I made the motions to turn to the coop, I watched us pass it by.

{GOD this is a long one...  sorry}

Town Hill Farm
photo used with permission
www.connecticutphoto.com

Here's where a being a jump judge can be a little bit problematic.  I stopped Sugar and very carefully turned her so as to not cross our line, trotted the horse length's opening I thought I had to not cross my line and trotted the "normally scary" coop and galloped on.  That little bit of trying to beat the system probably cost me the time faults.

Photo used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

Leaping over the final house jump and crossing that finish line was the best fun ever.  I don't care about those 20 points...  We were awesome TOGETHER!  And, yes, I worry my Eventing Trainer some times when I get "cocky" and try more advanced techniques 'cause I think we can rather than just getting the job done.  It's a blast and I can not stop smiling!

Maybe it was the exhaustion from two nights of unresolved lust, maybe it was the reawakening of thousands of dollars in training, maybe it was the place or maybe, just maybe... we're both back... whole again!

COMPETE TO COMPLETE

Just once, only once...  I kind of hope that when I jokingly tell my family that I'm going on a date, no one seems surprised.  It should be the kind of announcement that is taken in stride, greeted with a yawn or perhaps, a mere nod of the head as the conversation continues on.  That would be nice...  

Not surprised, at all!

Instead, heads snap to attention, bodies lean forward and I can hear the sharp intake of breath...  {{{Here it comes!}}}  YOU'VE GOT A DATE!!!  Their eagerness and desperation does not match mine... at all.  But, alas this blog is not about THAT!

At the City Barn, horse girls will yap.  And, as the weekend approaches, the talk turns to who is doing what, and where... I say to my Barn Peeps...  This weekend we're going to Town Hill Horse Trials...  just Beginner Novice.  You know, we're just going to get out there and do it.  My only goal is to complete.

"Complete?", said Newbie, "Complete?  Shouldn't your only goal be to come home safely?  Completing is an aggressive goal!"

{{{{Really?  Thanks for the vote of confidence}}}}  Remember, I did come home safely from UNH in May...  that counts, right?   {{{SIGH}}}

"That's a good goal!  You go girlfriend!" said Bestie CB Buddy, "Completing would be a big accomplishment and I know you can do it!  Ribbons are over rated, you should be happy to complete!"

{{{{Ah, come on...  really?  Can't you just say, I know you can do it and win too...  SIGH}}}}

And my Bestest Eventing Buddy, "Right, no pressure...  Git er done!  And then worry about a ribbon..."

{{{Ok, not really a vote of confidence but no surprise...}}}

Back when I was feeling the grrrrr!

It is my goal.  And as odd as it sounds (and in the true sense of confession), no one knows us at Town Hill.  It shouldn't matter if they do but in some ways, I feel no pressure to perform.  I can just be and hopefully that will be one kick-a** competitor with a horse on fire, eager to jump and carry me across the finish line.  

I want this one...  And, without the desperation of the dateless, I need this one!  And, I can feel it in my heart, I will have this one...  Let the cowgirl roar! 

And maybe, just maybe the next time I leave the start box, it will be to win...  just sayin'!  Maybe, huh?

   

ABBY NORMAL...

Yada, yada, yada...  I've heard it all by now and don't know if I can continue to listen...  So, you hit a tree, got hurt, spent a bunch of months in pain, then got better, then horse fell on you while hunting, then you got really freaked out in kind of a PTSD way, then you sought help from some experts, went way back to cross rails, then got a bit better, then even more better... so much better that you competed and was winning til your pony spooked at a crappy little jump and you fell off, then you scratched your next event 'cause you knew you couldn't get it done and then everyone and their mother told you to sell your horse and get something easier... until you couldn't take it any more.

Beauty is everywhere (even if that's a stain on her neck)

Hey, that's my story and I believe that's my judgemental/impatient brain that's yada, yada, yada-ing itself.  Wait, isn't the story interesting anymore?  What?  You mean we're over it?  Are you saying we're normal again?

Well?  Let's just say I'm back to being totally and completely Abby Normal.  Truth be told, I was never a Take-no-prisoners and Let-me-at-um kind of Eventer.  I am the...  I-love-this-sport-and-when-I-leave-the-start-box-something-kicks-in-and-I-breathe-fire kind of Eventer.

I'm entered at Town Hill Horse Trials on Sept 2... just Beginner Novice.  My ego has healed and although my dreams/goals haven't changed, my trainer(s) finally made sense... "Drop the calendar and just ride!" 

Da Boys!

I have but one goal for Town Hill and that is to complete.  Four years ago, with Dressage Buddy in tow, I competed there without a trainer.  Sugar was spooking and spinning at scary stuff with me and winning with Eventing Trainer.  I didn't care... It was an adventure and I was game.  We ended that weekend with two stops on XC - one a spook and the other rider error.  We completed and that was enough.  

Completing will be enough and if I really want to spice it up...  I will have fun!  Just sayin'

There is much to be grateful for...  A galloping romp with the Pink Pony and her person, two amazing and fulfilling dressage lessons with the fabulous Niall Quirk (who thinks Sugar is pretty special in the unique talented way) and one incredible jumping lesson with the Eventing Trainer.  It was a week of friends - new and old...  even met one of the best horse bloggers out there...  

I may have judged others in my Lucky Lucky You! post, but for the record...  I consider myself most fortunate that I can enjoy all these wonders even if the path was painful sometimes.  I guess, the pleasures are just that much more intense because of it...  I am grateful for it all!     

I may not be particularly brave... but I do like to think of myself as "special", if you know what I mean...

ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVAH!

WHEN DID CAN'T BECOME A REALITY?

Destiny has much to do with the direction we take, the attitude we assume and the desire to be accomplished.  A wise woman once told me, "Believe in something, see it as reality and it will come true."  If you put all of this together... success is just a lil' bit o'work.  Simple...  So, simple!   

The beautiful hills of Scarlet Hill Farm 

Although, I believe that I made the right decision at King Oak to withdraw after dressage, it was the wrong decision for my attitude.  You see, somehow, somewhere...  the word CAN'T has become my reality.  And, if that word is strongly swirling around in my psyche, then the harsh reality is that...  "I CAN'T" so why even try...

I am officially in a funk...  this isn't the funk of a body injured but of a mind that refuses to be controlled.  The word CAN'T strengthens with every sigh...

Yesterday was the traditional "XC Schooling Day Before Groton House Farm Horse Trials"...  Oh, It isn't really an official tradition but it happens every year at the same time even if it appears spontaneous.  And, it has that same feel - tension, excitement and joy preparing for a big Event.  


For me, I could've cried the whole time if it wasn't such a beautiful day filled with wonderful riders on a beautiful farm.  You see, I wasn't mounted, wasn't getting ready for GHF and wasn't sure I could ever do this again... happy, joyous and free.


It's been one year since I hit the tree at Groton House Farm Horse Trials...  It been a year and one week since I planned my move up to Training...  And, today I'm still lost... wondering how to make a come back.

Two weeks before GHF 6/11

Folks have been amazingly supportive and for that I'm grateful.  Working with my Professional Friend doing PTSD work has been great, yet I believe we've reached the end of helpfulness when the PF makes riding rather than brain suggestions.

My Bestest Eventing Buddy suggested that I stop being so honest since the result of such honesty has been strong, consistent and sometimes forceful suggestions that I sell Sugar and get something easier to ride.  And, Sugar isn't an easy ride... She is wonderfully complex... "quirky" said one clinician.

Yet for 3 years... three seasons, we rocked the jumping phases.  We may have been an Angry Mare in the warmup, spooked at everything in the dressage arena... but, that moment when I came off the XC course ... that moment crossing the finish line was worth every penny, every second, every struggle...  it was sheer heaven.

I had that for three years.... And, its just a little lost right now.

This blog is about a path...  Today I hear the word "CAN'T" and I chose not to accept it but to be honest about where I am today.  Maybe some of you have felt the same way... Maybe you have triumphed over the broken mind...  And, maybe, just maybe my honest and my path offers you something helpful...

So, unless I win the lottery, Sugar is mine.  You may want me with an easy ride, you may want me to sell her.  You may even think that I'm foolish for loving a horse over ease and safety.  (Trust me, I do love Sugar AND if I truly thought I was in danger, she would be gone... in a heart beat.)

Searching for the Can...

Whatever you think, right now...  I ask one thing and one thing only.  Believe in me.  Believe in Sugar and I as a team.  Support me and just as I must do for myself, remove the term CAN'T from your vocabulary.

Attitude is the great fortune teller.  If I believe I CAN'T, that will become my reality...  TODAY, I can.  And TOMORROW, I will.

  

ODE TO INSTANT GRATIFICATION - LUF ONLINE SCORING!

It is a quiet Sunday morning and church bells ring their melodious tunes... calling worshipers to come in and sit with God.  My hands are wrinkled and my dishes are clean.  The laundry is humming happily in the washer below.  I type... waiting for the Prelim scores to be posted while you wait in the start box ready to go!

I did not enter this weekend so I live vicariously through you.  And your barn friends are just as excited about your entry, your progress through the weekend and ultimately your success.  We build  your "story" based on what Evententries or Startbox Scoring reveals:

• Dressage 34.5 and in second place?  Great start, horse needed more jump in the canter and spooky but showed up and performed well.
• Stadium - double clear?  Just wait until today's Cross Country run... separates the pack... and of course, its your best phase.
• XC - today we wait... would there be time faults, clear runs, one or two difficult questions?  Let's hope for every horse and rider pair to "LEAVE TOGETHER AND COME HOME TOGETHER" (Eventing Rule #1)

Tell us!  Please tell us!

Today we dream and talk amongst ourselves...  Tomorrow, when you come to the barn, trust us...  We want to hear about it all!  You see Eventers and your Barn Peeps really do care on Monday.  Eventing Rule #4 only applies to work folk and family members....

Ride like you stole 'em!

THE PATH TO THE NEXT STEP

A wise woman once said that life is a journey...  that people, places and things come your way and things change...  that decisions made are for that moment and that moment only... every path is just a way to the future and not to a final destination.

Wise words for a completer like me.  You see, I live in a goal oriented world, go to a job where you are only as good as your last result which fades quickly as you seek the next.  A Human Doing rather than a Human Being. Coming back has been hard and the path hasn't been the direct route.  And, it's even a bit unsettled... so much, that this goal setter/completer is just a bit lost.  

Why so deep and somber for a Monday morning, you ask?

Our outing at King Oak Farm's Spring Horse Trials did not go as planned.  I withdrew after dressage because I did not believe I would win the effort it would take to get Sugar to jump fence two on XC.  And, my ability to absorb another humiliation, another fall, another bad go... whatever, is on the very short side.

Used with permission
http://www.flatlandsfoto.com/

KOF is a wonderful well run event.  It has everything you need to enjoy yourself - quick scoring, access to rest rooms, great XC footing and a safe course "for horses with experience at this level".  It is also a busy, electric environment and one of the first events in Area 1.  So this is not about them but about me.

That second fence, a big hay feeder filled with hay bales, would be a challenging fence for my spooky mare even if it were deep into the course.  There I would have had momentum and a horse who understood what her job was.  We would have gotten over it easily - maybe with her questioning my desire but if I said do it, she would.  As the second fence,  shortly after the first, it would have been a major spook-fest.  I did not think I had the cojones (balls) to get the job done.

It was a similar question that I lost the night before on a lovely, relaxing hack with my Bestest Eventing Buddy.  This time the scary beast was an imovable tractor - the very same one we walked by just a week earlier.  Without spurs, I kicked my backwards/trying-to-spin-spooking-mare forward...  Ultimately unsuccessfully as she propped, leaped and spun me off and went galloping down the road.

Fellow Eventers are awesome and I believe it is one of the reasons this difficult sport is so much fun.  Not one of them thought I was ridiculous, a chicken or wimpy.  They supported my decision and quite a few, after they finished, agreed that it was a difficult second jump.

So my path is uncertain but I am walking on it... and proceeding forward.  It may mean staying at Beginner Novice until I have the confidence to tell my spooky mare, every time she has doubts, that her only job is to carry me safely across jumps... 

Who really knows?  What I do know is that this is just another path heading into my future...

ROBBED AT A PARK BENCH

It was a dark, stormy night as I left church, alone, filled with the energy of the rousing service.  I knew that I shouldn't be walking through the park so I quickened my pace, eager to be home safe and warm...   Suddenly, a man jumped out of the bushes and pushed me and I fell to the ground glancing off the park bench...

Wait... hold on... I wasn't at church and I believe it was just after 3:30 pm on a brilliant sunny day and I even think I was riding XC at the University of New Hampshire's Spring Horse Trials.  And, if I recall, I was just two jumps from the finish line and in First Place, when Sugar spooked and spun me off onto said bench...

Looking Competent
Photo by www.yokinasphotos.com

I was robbed!  Not of a blue ribbon but of the story of a PERFECT cross country ride! You see, it was the most awesome go and my first since hitting the tree.  We left the start box eager to run and happy to be doing it again!  My nerves and tears were shed on the long road to the start box.  My one goal?

Eventing Rule #1 - Leave Together Come Home Together!

Ok... the long walk of shame home LEADING the "How-do-you-get-her-so-white-horse?" was not quite the same thing as crossing the finish line together but if you recall, the last time I ended up admitted to the hospital with four broken ribs, a partially collapsed lung and a hematoma on my hip that did not make me feel pretty.  Coming home with just a bruised ego, right now, is fine by me!

The short story:

Day 1 - Sugar left her evil twin, Saccharine, home.  Oh, occasionally in our test she protested the flowers decorating the dressage letters and was undone by the dry spot near X.  During the first spook, we came to an agreement that if she continued to go straight and not spook, I would not take my big spurs and place them in her sides.  Who knew that successful marriage counseling came at the end of a spur?  We finished our test in 2nd place with a 34.5.

Day 2 - The Jumping Phases.  Let me begin by saying I've been a Novice Rider for 2 full seasons...  and, the BN warmup terrified me more than anything else that day.  No offense to most of the riders but, some had directional issues and would be best not to circle in front of a warm up fence.

Stadium Jumping was quiet, balanced and forward.  Sug jumped big and confidently...  apparently, size does not matter to that girl!

Photo by www.edfarm.com

And XC?  Shhhhh...  it was that good!  It felt amazing to be out there again and I think Sugar felt the same way.  She was hungry to go and eager to jump!  As a good student, I listened and took my trainer's advice "Ride her to every jump" and I did...

So, what happened?   Fence 13 was set on a hard right hand turn and was a glaring jump with hay stuffed in everywhere.  The line was blocked by orange tape bouncing and blowing in the wind.  I knew this was the jump that required all my skill for it screamed "AHHHHH  SPOOOOOK!"  And ride it I did....  she jumped it big and it took a bit to get her back... and, I needed her back so we could do the next two hard left hand turns on slippery grass...

Phew...  did it!  Now we're home free!  I made it!    We're back!  Yippppeee!  Um, oh no!   Damn!  {{{{Then a string of the kind of words that, well, if I was a mom, I'd have a mouth full of soap}}}}  She spooked, I tried to recover and leaned, she spun and there I go...  on the bench with my ego lying bruised for all to see.

You know...  I did get robbed of a great comeback.  The one I had was a good one...  not great but good!  And, I will never, ever, have to deal with the emotional nerves of PTSD.   And, as a former Weenie Rider, I will always have the pleasure of the nerves of a middle aged re-rider... managed by the overabundance of words (pre-performance verbal diarrhea) but the tears and breakdowns have been left behind.

As my niece says.... IT'S ALL GOOD!  And, lest I forget, RIDE EVERY FENCE!

DE HONEY BADGER DOES NOT RIDE BACKWARDS

I can not get enough of this video on the delightful Honey Badger (PG rated for language).  Like the hyena, I laugh at it every time... that's right, everytime.  Still giving thanks for fellow blogger for putting my head on straight with her inspirational themed blog (salty language warning)...   My performance self will now clearly be the Bad A** Honey Badger (BAHB)...  'cause the BAHB don't give a sh** (not care)!



Used with permission
http://www.dexterpix.com/



My entry to King Oak Farms Spring Horse Trials has been sent and I am back in the game.  Now, let me be honest...  KOF has not ever been the best of our outings...  ever.  The atmosphere is electric, tight warmup areas and stadium jumping is within earshot of the dressage arenas.

My lil' girl often stays home and sends her evil twin Saccharin in her place.  Oh, we have a solid record there:

• Dressage scores that would make you proud if you were competing at a USEF or International competition. (Yes... once a 53.)
•  Elimination in stadium at the last jump in front of lots of spectators
• A stop on XC at the second jump in front of lots of spectators

Despite the actual Event being extremely well run, with beautiful jumps and great footing...  I decided several seasons ago to put my efforts into volunteering rather than in humiliating myself.



Used with permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com



But, guess what?  My Inner B A Honey Badger don't ride backwards!  'Cause the BAHB don't care!  This year... we do not give a sh**!  We'll ride like we don't care...  no matter what!  This year, KOF will be ours!  We do not ride backwards...

And, this past weekend, fully prepared to evoke the Inner BAHB at our weekend Jumping Intensive, Sugar and I only needed a moment and then we rode like the Hunter Princess.  We had the brains, the presence and the desire to be balanced, rythmic and forward... jumping strongly and calmly ... in stride.  My smile could be heard 'round-the-world!

Sugar and I are moving forward...  'cause we don't care no more about the past

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

You know you need to drop everything and write when there is this image that does not stop intruding...  It wants and needs to be heard.  All that I planned to do and all those things I keep trying to get at can wait just a lil' bit so I can clear the thought that just keeps intruding...

Peter Gray spoke at the USEA Area 1 Annual Meeting.  He was soft-spoken, humble with a surprising and wonderful dry wit.  I was captivated.  My fellow Area 1 Eventer and blogger, Katie Murphy wrote a fabulous summary of his key points about riding Cross Country effectively and safely.  I would encourage you to read it too.

On her way to the top
Photo by Jeff Phaneuf, Eventer Dad

Every little girl has a dream...  remember yours?  Do you remember the beauty of a simple dream?  It is that image, that thought that begs to be heard.

After his presentation, he opened up the floor to questions.  You had the usual and expected - When to move up? (Never, when you're ready, better a year or two later than a day too early.) - Who will win the Olympics? (Well.. not sure... Germany or the US) - Do you miss the Long Format? (Loves it, but no.) and on and on.

Then this young girl raises her hand high - straight and unwavering.  "What advice would you give a Young Rider that wants to go all the way to the top?" Let me emphasize her words, her dream, "all the way to the top."  Her quiet intensity was powerful...  again, "all the way to the top."



Peter answered kindly, with a gentle smile:

1. Have your dream but, most importantly, love your horse first!
2. Develop good people skills!  Be nice to everyone - trainers, competitors, organizers, judges, officials - everyone! (Because someone out there could be your sponsor.)



Be nice to everyone!

3. Get educated!

Her eyes never wavered as she stared listening to the answer.  I wish I had gotten her name because, based on her intensity, one day I will be watching Rolex thinking, "Wow, she did make it to the top!"

And for those of us that are right now, living our dream and whose top may just be Elementary, Novice or Preliminary...  He had the same message:

Most importantly, LOVE YOUR HORSE FIRST!