REVERSE THE CURSE - CHECK!

Photo by Liz Kast

In 2004, after 86 seasons, the Boston Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino...    Now, I am not a multi-million dollar baseball player and I'm not going for World Series glory and fame.  No, I'm just a Master (aged) BN rider who just wanted to (in the order of importance), stay in the tack all the way back to the trailer, complete the event, and/or go clean...  I wondered as I dropped my Town Hill Horse Trials entry, if I could Reverse my Curse in four! 

You see, in order to "Reverse the Curse", expectations were gonna be kind of high since our performance at Town Hill the last three tries were... um...  not great:

• 2013 - A much too aggressive correction equaled a very white buttocks galloping off into the sunset (http://confessionsofanaaer.blogspot.com/2013/09/grrrr-gone-wild.html)
• 2012 - Two stops on course and being dumped after completing XC (http://confessionsofanaaer.blogspot.com/2012/09/winning-with-8577.html)
• 2010 - Two stops at the same jump (pre-blogging days) and an abysmal dressage test.

Water Complex at sundown

Friends would ask, 'Why do you keep going there if you do so badly each year?"  Why?  They run a beautiful event, over great terrain, with cool jumps and questions, are efficient scoring and are really nice people.   And if you do well, there are prizes that go with the brightly colored polyester.

Generally, dressage is a sh*t show since warming up alongside galloping XC horses is tooo exciting for one to remain earthbound.  Wait!  They moved dressage far away from an active XC course?  There is an eventing god! 

Our warmup was going to be different this time.  Dressage Trainer and I had a long conversation on how to keep my little princess' hooves on the ground.  Just keep her moving, turns on the forehand... canter when you can... return to turns on the forehand.  Keep her brain and body engaged.

Photo used with permission
www.yokinasphoto.com

And when it was our turn, I walked her up to the judges booth/scary pop up tent and then proceeded at a nice slow trot, shoulder-fore and leg yielding.  For the first half of the test, I actually felt that we were going to break into the 20's and then, out of the corner of her eye, Sugar caught the galloping horses way off in the XC field.  She lept up and over in a huge spook at B and did two tempe changes on the canter circle to the left.  She accepted every aid as a call to for aires above ground.  We finished cantering down the center line into a nice square halt (got an 8). 

The Judge mentioned that she really wanted to be doing 4th level dressage...  And scored us with a generous 35.5.

Sugar's Twenty-Something-Friend (TSF) was our compatriot and competing her fabulous Youngster at Training level.  Her times were early and tight.  Here is where I confess...  Anxiety was once again my unwelcome guest.  I so want to be the kind of Eventing Friend that you want to travel with and not a whiny/needy/weeny rider...  (A girl has to have goals.)  I did not want to fall apart in a heap of self misery and loathing.    So I took Dressage Trainer's advice, "do one task at a time, keep moving" until it was my time to roll. 



2013 THF
Photo used w/ permission
www.connecticutphoto.com
 

Anxiety sucks.... there I said it!  What folks don't hear is the ranting going on in my head....  (I'm done!, I can't do this!, This is too hard!  What if Sugar jumps the brush (7a) and then sees the oxer (7b) and spins me off in a spook?... blah, blah, blah!) 

And when we approached the oxer with the box underneath it in the warmup, Sug spooked and dumped me.  Well, that's my version.  Sug's TSF's version is that she did spook, I leaned and stopped riding and dismounted ungracefully.  "Now do it again!"

Stadium Jumping - double clear!

In the XC warmup, Sug's TSF told me to go out on course, jump one jump and then look to the next.  If at any point, I felt we needed to retire, we could after jumping the next jump.  (Hmmmm)  And, added. ride your line and the combinations will come right where you want them to be...  just hold your line and ride her...  Don't push her either before or after the jump - just keep your leg on and allow the jump to happen.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1  Have a great ride!

It took 4 jumps before it felt that Sug was on fire...  She was game and goey but still questioned the possibility of a zombie apocolypse beginning with each approaching jump.  As long as I stayed in the game and encouraged her forward, she jumped (haybales, houses and barns)  At Fence 4, we had a slight discussion about the reality of zombies.  I kept my leg on her and instead of spooking and spinning, she drifted right and I took out the flag... 


Wish I could say I was fist pumping at the finish...
just fixing the helmet!
Photo by Polly Phillips

And, we were off...  no discussions, no spooks... just gallop and jump.  When we came up to my nightmare fence, I trusted the experience of Sug's TSF, held our line... trusting and still riding.  Sugar jumped the brush up and through me (like a flower opening) hit the ground and galloped to the oxer like a PRO.  When we landed, she pulled...  I said loudly for her to hear...  "Girl, if you want to gallop, you just go ahead!  Run like the wind because nothing will be better than that for me!"

Finished clear with .4 speed faults...  Reverse the Curse!  Check!

There is nothing better than running xc clean and fast.  And, every time I do it, I know I can do it.  The nerves fall away, the mind clears and it is just Sugar and I... 

Let me repeat - Nothing will be better than that for me!

SEEING THE TRUTH!

In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.  Dalai Lama

A wise woman once told me that if you believe it to be true, see it as truth...  then it will happen. 

Used with permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com

Sometimes I actually hear myself talk and sometimes I correct negative beliefs, negative visions and replace them with the way I want life to be.  Yet, sometimes what I say is so habitual, so ingrained that I can not make the correction.

It's like when your trainer tells you to slow your brain down, feel what is happening and when you can do that, you can make the changes in your position, use your leg/hand to get a reaction and improve what may already be ok.    And if you can not feel what is happening, change can not occur.

This morning I woke up feeling a wonderful cross country run, an obedient dressage test and a rythmical stadium course.  It was clear and fun... my smile bright as the sun and Sugar stepping boldly in her post XC kick ass walk.  The world felt alive - crisp and brilliant.

Used with permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com

Then I thought about how I would handle the hay bales...  And, what I would do if she was spooky...  And, how I was going to not get angry when she lept and bound in the dressage warm up.  And, how I would handle the growing anxiety...  blah, blah blah...

I lost my morning buzz...  And, my iced Dunkin and the first pumpkin muffin of the season was not going to get it back... 

Fear of failure holds me back from living in the dream of the bestest event ever.  Who wants to climb the ladder of hope and expectations only to be disappointed again?  Better to lie in the pool of mediocrity, low expectations and keep the dream down....

Used with permission
www.dexterpix.com

The Wise Woman showed up on my ride to work this morning...  Dare to kick ass!  Dare to drop the negativity and believe that success is within your grasp.  Do it!  "DO IT!" she said.  And, let the chips fall where they may!

{{{She also told me to ride forward, use active leg, stay in the middle of her, grab your neck strap, kick on and HAVE A BLAST!}}}

Let's git 'ur done!

LIKE A BIG RED BALLOON...

Anxiety is like a balloon...  If you fill it, it will eventually break if the pressure isn't released.  Sometimes it explodes into tiny bits and sometimes it lies wilted like an exhausted being.  Neither is good... 

Sigh, despite everything I've done, my anxiety is back. 

You see, while competing at Millbrook was awesome, the experience  brought flashbacks to my disastrous Groton House experience.  I think it was the bigness of the event, the fact that it was a dream event for me, just like Groton House.  I kept seeing my happiness at finally being there end at the base of a tree.

So, the balloon filled all day in preparation for my 4:18pm cross country run.  I meditated, practiced TFT, called in my spirit guides, practiced all the tips that my Stressless Riding Camp gave me and I still filled that damn balloon. 

It reached its peak just as the storm broke loose.  After stretching the balloon to its breaking point, the organizers called it a day.  I withdrew so Sugar could continue on as my niece's horse during her last two weeks working her eventing camp.   I never did get to release the anxiety keeping that balloon tight and explosive.

Three weeks later, I needed to gallop over some terrain and jump some XC jumps to prep for Town Hill Horse Trials.  So, I entered a 2-Phase - Dressage and a Derby Cross.  Perfect, I thought!  Kills three birds with one stone and it was a Schooling Show!  I could practice my, "Who cares!  I'm just schooling for Town Hill!" (said with a haughty/superior tone).

What Sug thinks we're jumping and how I look jumping her
Photoshopped by Bestest Eventing Buddy

Did I mention my anxiety was back?  Full tilt, dread!  Yup, it was back!  And I really couldn't believe I felt that way...  It was a SCHOOLING SHOW!  It didn't count!  No one cared!  But that balloon came taut and I kept shoving more anxiety into it. 

{{{I was quitting!  Never going to do this again!, I can be a dressage queen!  That's fine!  I don't need to torture myself!  I'll scratch Town Hill, GMHA and ESDCTA...  I will not do this anymore!  Nothing is worth this!}}}}

My Bestest Eventing Buddy was competing her finished-rehab-and-newly-returned-to-eventing pony also as a prep for Town Hill Horse Trials.  She called over from her trailer that she would try to come back and warm me up for XC.  I told her if it didn't work out, I'll be fine...  "It was just a SCHOOLING SHOW."

She came back and went to work kicking my brain back into working.  She knows the fine line between babying/supporting and giving me a good swift kick in the butt...  For that I am grateful.  "Keep your hands low because when you don't, you look like you're riding a jet ski over a whale!"  Oh my!


How I will look again!
Photo used with permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com

And off we went...  Sug boldly going forward, then squiggling like she never saw a XC jump and then jumping when asked and boldly going...  repeating the sequence for almost every jump.  I do believe that I've finally become that girl...  chanting and talking through every jump... loudly...  ewwwww...  But my hands stayed low, we jumped da jumps and I felt whole again!

Finishing that XC course was the release that needed to happen allowing that taut balloon to empty itself of all the anxiety of two shows.   All was right in our world again.  I felt competent again.

I'm praying that my GMHA experience was not a fluke and that I will be riding that ride again at Town Hill this weekend.  Where FUN is actually fun and not an acronym (F***k U Nerves) but an actually feeling I experience in the moment and not just on the drive home!

MILLBROOK MEANDERINGS

"Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more."  Wizard of Oz 1939

Yeah..  you kind of feel that way when the great Bruce Davidson Sr (Olympic Gold and Silver (2) Medalist) apologizes for "scaring" your precious lil' pinto pony!   And, I graciously brushed away the apology and said, "Thanks, but in this state all she needed was the tiniest little cough to get the same reaction."  And, I kid you not, I blushed!

Doug Payne 2013 Millbrook

Millbrook Horse Trials - the biggest, most celebrity filled (eventing types that is) and spectacularly beautiful event in Area 1 finished today.  Sugar and I were there amongst the 500+ entrants and we were in awe!

Actually, I believed that Sugar loved her accommodations and enjoyed hanging out at the barn with her barn mates and gossiping with the Upper Level Horses from VA stabled behind us.  She could barely contain her eagerness to return and often tried to encourage me to hurry up and finish our tasks.

 (Shhhh, have I told you how white she is?  How pretty she is?  Have I?)

The sky is magnificent over the rolling hills.

My first thought on the very first night just before the first day of competition was, "Oh my!  This is the most atmosphere we've competed in since Groton House in 2011." 

Ok, you folks in Area II and Area III are so used to it that you probably don't even notice Philip Dutton, Boyd Martin or Buck Davidson warming up in the ring beside you.  For me, it was a first.  I won't lie.  I wanted a picture of us warming up alongside a member of the US Equestrian Team... Yes I did!

Alas, what I learned pretty quickly is that in order to be a member of the US Equestrian Team one generally is very focused and that big flash of white whipping herself into a frenzy is just another breeze in an otherwise quiet day.   It left me thinking...  "Could I find my inner USET focus?"

A past DQ moment

Our Dressage was tight and spooky - a 45.5 (24 out of 26).  Honestly, I wanted it to be all about Sugar's need to go back to the barn, that she should be used to seeing dressage cones and that although, the judge can be intimidating, the judge's box isn't.   (You see, I too would like to be a princess diva.)

And, this is why one has coaching at the event to humble (or balance) the ego.  Said Eventing Trainer to OBN competitor, "Well, you really didn't give her enough time to warm up and, when they called your number, you panicked and rushed to the ring so any calm you brought into the warmup really was blown away by the time you got to the ring." 

{{{{Note to self - remembering the time posted 2 days before the event instead of the time on your packet is not efficient...  12:42 and 12:24 are not the same.}}}

The terrain and corresponding views are gorgeous!

Here's another tip...  Even if the Omnibus says that the BN course is "just" 2'6" and mentions that terrain is a factor at all levels, please do not pooh pooh the course until you walk it. 

Millbrook Horse Trials is all about undulating terrain and every jump incorporates the hills into the question.  The only "scary" jump for us was Fence 2 but the "scary" factor is minimized because it lines up directly on the path back to the barn.  If you're curious, check out the virtual course walk. 

Fence 8 was my...  hmmmm... fence.  The virtual course walk does not give justice to what it looked like...  You rode down into a gully and then straight up to a 1/2 ledge and then the jump.   The Eventing Trainer advised me to keep my hands low and push Sug up into the bridle with active leg and wait for the jump (do not push for a long one).  I kept thinking...  uh, ok... whatever that means, I hope it works.

Lots to look at in SJ

We never did get to run the course.  I was dressed and ready to head out to XC warmup when a furious thunder and lightening monsoon rolled in.   After waiting it out with all my peeps in an iron framed temporary tent stabling on a hill, XC was postponed til Sunday.  Sugar was leaving for NJ to be my niece's horse for the last week of camp at her barn and the shipper couldn't rearrange their schedule to stay the extra day.

But we still had Stadium to do...  And the course was filled with things, pretty things and surrounded by tents, bleachers and folks watching pretty ponies doing their jumping thing.  I kept thinking... "Must find my inner USET rider... focus, FOCUS, GET OVER EACH JUMP!"

Coming into a serious hairnet FAIL!

I was given the ok to say whatever I needed to do to get my spooky mare to jump the jumps.   Apparently, my commentary was "funny" even if I can't remember any of it.  Although when my little girl spooked at the second jump in the line and tried to spin, I caught her at the spin, backed her up and jumped the jump while saying "Really?, Really? Just jump the jump!"

Four faults for the refusal and 4 time faults kept us in 24th place.  If we had gone double clear in XC we would have finished in 14th place.

Riding the wild thing!

I wish I could say that I was anxiety free and eager to have FUN but that wasn't the case here.  I think the biggness of the show, the fact that it was a destination event and one of my dream events put flash backs to my Groton House failure in the forefront of my mind.  Yet, despite those memories crowding all the healthy practices, I still functioned reasonably well.  'Cause once I was geared up to go XC, I was ready to make it happen.

Next year... yeah, next year... that's the ticket!

BABIES ON DA BRAIN!

Used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

I love that commercial where a group of friends are out having a good time laughing over some cocktails and dancing to some tunes.  The bar is dark and the fun is just coming through the TV screen.  The scene cuts to a parking lot and you see a girl trying to put her key into the car door and keeps missing.  She's drunk.  Then a hand reaches for the keys and a narrator says firmly, "Friends don't let friends drive drunk!" 

Cut to New England where we're coming to the very end of foaling season.  I'm seeing baby pics everywhere...  Fillies running in circles around bored mothers, colts leaping and bounding in the air and always, those few little ones sprawled out in the warm sun snoozing away the days activities.

Did you know I have a mare?  A beautiful, well bred, well put together, talented and registered warmblood mare?  Did I mention that Sugar is a mare...  an open mare?  A mare that cycles regularly and is not pregnant?  Yes, Sugar is, indeed, a mare.

Friends don't let friend drive drunk...  the mare version:

Me - Sugar was long lined today.  As I watched, I couldn't help getting into how beautiful and really well put together she is.  I can't stop thinking that I should breed her.

Used with permission
www.yokinaphotos.com

Bestest Eventing Buddy - NO SUGAR BABIES!

Me - RIGHT!  But just think about it... She would have awesome babies.

Bestest Eventing Buddy - Seriously?  That's like releasing little devils upon the world.  Gremlins are adorable too... until you feed them after midnight and then, all hell breaks loose!

Me - RIGHT!   Thanks for the visual... beautiful with a screw loose!  But still... maybe?

Bestest Eventing Buddy - Sugar is like a Hollywood Star.  She's gorgeous, but clueless as to how it is in the real world.   She's snorting coke, spouting random political and religious thoughts that make no sense but people believe her because she's gorgeous!  Trust me, if she were ugly, they'd lock her up. 

Me - Right, her entourage gets sucked into her beauty... only to be disappointed again and again.  But when she looks at you, all is forgiven and you rush to do her bidding.

Designed by Bestest Eventing Buddy

Bestest Eventing Buddy - Basically, she's the equine equivalent of Angelina Jolie.  Underneath all that social consciousness, she still has a vial blood around her neck and kissing her brother.

Me - RIGHT!  NO SUGAR BABIES EVAH!!!!

Bestest Eventing Buddy - Good!  Just remember if Sugar was human, she would be a Scientologist.

Me - Wait! Would it be ok if I won the lottery?

Bestest Eventing Buddy - NO!!!!  Eventually you're going to die and someone else will get the spawn or even, the spawn's spawn.  And, we can't release that on the world.  Always remember, I do love Sugar but I believe that she is unigue and is not to be DUPLICATED!

FRIENDS DO NOT LET FRIENDS BREED THEIR MARES!

PART OF LIFE

It's late on a Friday night... well, late if you're still at work.  A client, in my last call of the day, asked me what I'm doing this weekend.  After a huge sigh I said, "Nothing!  Absolutely and totally nothing!"

used with permission
www.flatlandsfoto.com

"What?  Nothing?  No riding, no horse time?"  was her reply.

"Oh... um... yeah, I'll ride Saturday and have a jumping lesson Sunday afternoon.  And, of course, I'll be out and about with Da Boys.  Ohhhh, I consider both of those things just a part of living and the doing nothing part is just a nice bonus."

I am not alone.  Horses are just a part of life... 

And when my lil' pinto pony does something in turn out that requires a vet exam,  that part of life feels threatened.  When I react to that threat, I hear the parent I might have been:

• Do you know that we're entered at Millbrook in two weeks and the closing date was Tuesday?  Why are you ruining my plans?
• It's your own fault that you're hurt...  If you wouldn't have Mariah Carey like fits in turnout, you'd be fine!
• That vet visit is going to cost me big bucks all because you can't handle it when your neighbor has to leave.
• Why do you do this to me?  We were going to go xc schooling this weekend.

Da Boys

And after the worry and fret is relieved by the lameness exam whereby the vet declares her healing and sound to continue as planned, I breathe a sigh of relief...  All is normal in our world.

It was never about Millbrook, the money or my plans...  It was keeping the happy, healthy and energizing part of my life whole.  All is normal in our world...  So, I will proceed with doing "nothing" this weekend and wish you all well doing the same or not!

Shhhh, I am a very good Aunt, just sayin!

THE MAKING OF AN EVENTER

We have a sport filled with tradition making it so very different from all others.  There is a sense of adventure, camaraderie with our fellows and above all, love for our partner horses.  Our horses may be fancy or not...  it doesn't matter since the work together balances it all out.  There is also bit of agelessness* that equalizes us all - we are one when we event.

Marching to their lessons....

I also believe that there might be a little bit of masochism thrown in to all that good cheer and fun.  Name a sport that demands grace and precision one day, speed and bravery on another and then, asking to finish with grace, boldness and athleticism.  Oh, yes there are sports that offer all of that but those sports do not require a partnership between human and animal.

And, we do this, not for the lavish prizes, money or even for the piece of polyester that marks an achievement, but for the challenge, the accomplishment and the true partnership between horse and rider all alone getting it done.

Are Eventers born or taught?  Hmmm, that is a question I've always wondered about and at the GMHA's Junior Horsmanship Clinic, I believe I saw true Eventers being born. 

These campers and their horses spend 10 days attending two mounted sessions and two unmounted horsemanship lectures each day while attending to their horses.  The focus is on eventing -
Dressage, Stadium Jumping and Cross Country lessons are provided to every participant - ditches, rolltops, trakenhers, "peasant" feeders, water crossings, up/down banks - ride-critique-ride dressage lessons...  everything all taylored to the level of the camper and horse.  It is the longest "event" ever.

B Roadside in a VT rainshower

The Instructors and Barn Managers were selected for their experience and, assigned groups based on that expertise.  There was a barn of young newbies that needed the strength and organization of someone who taught or worked in a riding school program.  I believe, as a Barn Manager (and Master/Old), I was assigned the 14-17 year olds because of my age... 

No one cared more for these campers than the Camp Staff.  Each day we talked about which kid/horse needed what and how to make the experience successful and educational.  Instructors talked to the Barn Managers about what happened and each offered suggestions for the next lesson or day.  We were a team really dedicated to pass on the tradition of eventing that we loved so much.

Neat and tidy stabling

I have a million stories, some will be told, others will fade and others, will remain anonymous.

Are Eventers born or taught? 

The evidence that, while some are born Eventers, the tradition can be taught came to light at the schooling horse trial.  It was the only day I got to see "my kids" ride. 

One girl had a talented but naughty pony.  She rode him well but as an opinionated pony can be, he kept running away after he landed a perfect stadium jump.  Having been taught to circle to slow him down and she got eliminated for doing too many circles in the wrong spots.  Her tears of disappointment ran down her face when she was told she could not go on to XC. 

5:30 am rides were heavenly!

An older girl came up to her, put her arm around her and said, "Welcome to the club, I got eliminated too."  And, another barnmate said, "Yup, me too!  I forgot a jump!"  And a third said, "Hey we should celebrate...  I fell off!  We rock!"  And, the tears turned to laughter and the desire to do it again (this time at a trot) superceded any thought of quitting.

That was my best day at camp.  There is nothing better than to talk to someone after XC, to listen to their story and to see the joy of the adventure - ribbon or not!

We are all alike, no matter what the age*...  Huge kudos for the staff at GMHA's Junior Horsemanship Camp for keeping our traditions alive and putting a new generation of eventers on the right path! 

*One wise young camper explained the "age gap" to me...  "Adults put too much emotion into it.  We care but more technically and not so emotionally."  I believe she might be right!