TIME AND TIME AGAIN!

Last night I cupped Maisy's nose in the palm of my hands and gently lifted that velvety softness to my lips and kissed her.  I paused and kissed her again, this time loudly smacking my lips, and  told her that I loved her.  No one saw the tears in my eyes...  It was the moment where I knew that my heart was big enough to love again - fully and completely.  "I really do love you Maisy, I really do..." whispered for  our ears alone.

Grimacing after
falling at a gallop
(long story)

Time is the only thing that heals...  Time.  I rail about not having enough time, or trying to fit everything in and be on time.  My job forces me to plan months ahead so time always has a fleeting feel to it.  Yet, time is our friend if cradled and lived for every moment we have. 

This Fall was hard on so many levels.  Did I tell you that I went back to school?   Traditionally it is my busy season at work but being short staffed compounded an already high stress time and without an indoor, I struggled to do it all.  In my mind, whatever I did fell short of doing a good job on anything.

Maisy and I were doing ok, getting better but I still felt that we were missing a connection...  I was still just riding her, just learning about her, just trying to get it all done and on to the next day.  There was no time.

Our first fox hunt was a bit of a bust...  Someone said that Virginia hunt country horses have some adjusting to do when switching from the big open fields and live hunting to the narrow wooded paths and the stop/start of our New England drag hunting.  I decided to skip hunting her this season and begin again in the Spring or Fall of next year.

With Permission
www.yokinasphoto.com

Sugar was a bit of a challenging horse with her Mariah Carey/diva-like stance on life.  And, there are umteem posts within this blog chronicling them.  What Sugar was, without a doubt, was an amazing Hunt Horse!  I could take her anywhere to hunt and she would be the same - cantering on a dime, would jump everything safely and accurately, would watch the field ahead slow when they slowed and gallop when they galloped, could hold hard and would stand at the check on a loose rein.

My big lovable grey pony!

I ached for her.  I truly felt our loss. 

None of this ache pulled from the love and happiness I had with Maisy.  That is the conundrum.  I could still mourn for what I had and still love what I have.  All in good time...

Last night, I jumped Maisy for the first time since October.  At first, I felt totally stressed, tight and worried that I would ruin my green, eager jumper with my rusty anxious self.  The first jump was... um...  not pretty (ok, not quite ugly).  And, as we were guided,  I became softer, more secure and slowly lost the anxiety.  In the end, I was riding and working with Maisy...  I became a trainer and not a passenger.

The Ghost of Jumping Past was gone and, Her Grayness and I really saw the Ghost of Jumping Present and Future. 

It is about time...

THAT ONE THING!

It's always that one thing that "ruins" everything.  If I speak in front of a crowd and one survey card is less than complementary, I forget about all those that were positive or constructive and focus instead on that one thing...  that one thing...

That one thing

Have I mentioned yet that Maisy and I did dressage work out in the field with just the brilliance of a full moon lighting our way?  Or maybe I didn't tell you how the Happy Young Professional (HYP) and Her Grayness competed at the last Horse Trial and finished 4th?  Or perhaps I shared the story of our Hunter Pace success where I jumped da jumps and loved the gentle lady underneath me?

No I did not!

What I want to do is to go on and on about getting dumped at today's hunter pace.  It wasn't over a jump but during a lovely gallop through some amazing fields.  I believe that Maisy would prefer not to be in the lead but somewhere near or actually in the buttocks of her stablemate and lover Patrick.  That leading at a gallop means that she can not actually embed herself into his body and that perhaps, the additional insult was to allow another horse to come between two lovers.

{{{Hmmm, I believe I am going on and on...}}}

What does a mare do when not really wanting to be a leader and experiencing longing and concern over a lover?  I believe she makes a "quick" twist of her head and neck to look behind her and when discovering that he was further behind than what her love sick mind feels is safe, finish the turn in a big twist.

Fortunately for Maisy, Patrick was fine.  Unfortunately for me, I got thrown, well maybe off balanced and fell in a twisted heap of my own...  Shoulder, neck and lower back... strained muscles - no permanent damage.

Just one thing

Yeah, I want to go on and on...  Mostly because I feel depressed, defeated and just a hint of worthlessness.   Did I mention that I can barely move, had to ask a stranger to pick up the Epsom Salts for me because I couldn't bend down and get back up?  That feeling does add some cheer to a girl's day!

That one thing!

What I really need to do is to go on and on about how great galloping her feels like or how the one jump we took felt amazing even if she jumped big.  Or maybe I need to tell you how much fun it was to be with my team and enjoy riding out in amazing territory as the fall colors fade into gold and copper. 

And, maybe I need to tell you that when I fell, Maisy stopped and stood over me waiting for me to get up...  Yeah, that one thing!  She stopped and stood over me... waiting for me to stand up. 

That one thing!

WHINY WEDNESDAY

I've given in to the WAAA, WAAAs and leapt deeply off of Sunshiney Mountain into the gray abyss of Whiny Wednesday...  Oh believe me, I refused to give in even as I dipped my toes into the pool of moroseness.  I wanna have a pity party and I wanna have it now.

Morning's grayness @ Plantation
Horse Trials

Maisy decided that her beloved neighbor was not as attentive as she felt a mare in fall heat deserves.  And, when he denied her longing she reared up and caught her left front in the electric fence and lacerated the inside of her cannon bone.  Rumor has it that her distraught neighbor ran about his paddock until the barn folk released her from bondage.

The deep thinking of a Hound

Even though the call from the barn owner brought back the memory of his call back in March, we all knew that this injury was not critical.  When I got to the barn after work, the leg was hot, sore and swollen twice its normal size.  Cue in worry, fret and whining.

You know?  It's probably a good thing that I am an Aunt and not a Mother.  I'm pretty sure I'd be that parent that does not offer comfort and hugs...  I'm the one that says,  "I am so mad!  You did this to yourself and now it's going to cost money for the vet to see you and how am I going to find the time to ice and wrap you three or more times a day.  I hope you're happy with yourself."  {{{Um, I actually was that mom to Maisy... oopsie!}}}

Yeah...  I'm not proud of that but, this is a confessional blog... sigh!

Maisy & her Happy Young Professional
Used with permission Spotted Vision
Photography

And, I'm not whining about the time or the money or even the possibility of scratching my first (and last for the season) event.  I'm whining because I HATE WRAPPING LEGS!  There I said it.  I hate to do it!  I hate the responsibility it carries to do it right or suffer the consequences.  I hate leaving the barn wondering if this is the night that she gets a bandage bow because I wrapped too tightly.  And, if I wrap to loosely, I'm afraid that they will fall down and tighten around the feet/leg cutting circulation and ruining the foot/leg.

The vet came and declared the leg sound, the laceration superficial and is treating the hematoma underneath the cut seriously and aggressively to prevent lymphangitis.  I get to walk under saddle for three days (15 minutes) and then ice, treat the wound and wrap.  She is clear that everything will be ok.

I need to stay with that...  She is going to be fine!  And, I need to stop lamenting our fate.  Everything will be ok. And, I need to be a better parent - love and comfort her...  Yeah, that sound doable!  Maisy is gonna be ok!

SEASONING

I had corn for dinner tonight.   Deliciously sweet and seasoned with butter, salt and fresh ground pepper... It was the first ear of corn and most likely the last.  The season for sweet, farm fresh corn is over and, I was late in tasting that delectable deliciousness...  "'Til next year, 'til next year", I say, "'til next year!"

Yesterday was the very last recognized Horse Trial here in Area 1 and there is some sadness in saying good bye!  Some folks will travel south and catch a few in Area 2 and others will be cleaning and putting away vests, studs (or if you're me, you throw them in your tack box and act surprised when they have mud on them and are a bit rusty.) "'Til next year, 'til next year", I say, "'til next year!"

Maisy was lucky to finish her second Horse Trial ever with the Happy Young Professional (HYP)!  Have I mentioned that she's Irish (IDSH)?  And, if you know anything about the Irish, they are a bit bold, maybe a tiny bit stubborn, love to socialize and are a bit too smart (OK, I'm of Irish descent and I can name a few other interesting stereotypes.)  Ms Maisy is very true to her heritage (although she is half German, hmmmm).



Used with permission
www.spottedvisionphotography
 

At the barn, she's shaking like a leaf perhaps anticipating a wild day of hunting, or a long separation from her beloved gelding friends?  At the show, she boldly moved off with nary a hesitation (let me show you a few things HYP).  She floated around the crowded warm up as if she was alone in a valley of thick sweet clover - light on the ground, soft in her body and floppy ears.

This show she knew her job and wanted to help the HYP do the dressage test... well the one that she KNEW and not necessarily the one required by the organizing committee.  The HYP was discreet in reminding her that this was just her second go and that maybe the HYP knew more than she did.  It was a lovely test - 30.8 for first place.



Used with permission
www.spottedvisionphotography

Her jumping was big, bold and brassy.  Did we not know that she did this three weeks ago and knows exactly what she should be doing? If you watch the video, you can see a moment's hesitation...  My Lil' Country Bumpkin might know what she's doing but she still doesn't understand what all the activity is outside of the arena and sometime gets distracted (SQUIRREL).  Clean and still in 1st place.

Her cross country was fast and her jumping careful.  There was never a hesitation in her jumping but there was a big galloping stride that added 2.8 speed faults finishing in 4th place.  And, Ms Maisy was quite pleased with herself...  And, I'm sure would've enjoyed a beer!

Today, she and her BFF went on a Hunter Pace.  Despite a few moments of hysteria when her lover left her or new horses joined us at the check, she was a very lovely ride.  And, I jumped jumps (not all of them) and she was quite the lady!  I love this horse!  I really do!

 Our debut will be at a schooling show on Halloween.  My only goal is to get the first done so I too can be a bold, smart, know-it-all!  Then, cheers to winter wanderings and some butt kicking jumping lessons... 

Next year it would be great to start the season early... hmmmm, maybe I'll have sweet corn in June next year too!

JUST BE!

Ganesh - the Remover
of Obstacles

What we think, we become.  Buddha

 

We all know an Eeyore...  it's that person who always seems to have bad luck.  Things never go right for them no matter what... Life is always hard!  If you were to ask an Eeyore how was their day, they would have a long list of things that didn't go well.  Ask them what did go well and you'd stop them in their tracks - "nothing" would be their sad reply.  Eeyore's life is exactly what they want it to be because, "What we think, we become."

 

My confession this Sunday night...  I think I've become Maisy's Eeyore. 

 

Oh, did I mention that Maisy's Happy Young Professional competed my Lil' Country Bumpkin at her first recognized Horse Trial?  Well, Maisy came out of the trailer and marched down to the dressage warm up as if she was a almost-ready-to-retire-Grand-Prix-dressage-horse.  

 

All Gussied Up - Like a Grown Up

By the time I walked down to watch, Maisy was in full warm up, ears soft, fancy prancing in a very tight electric environment.  I turned to a friend and said, "I know she's mine but dear god, if she wasn't I'd be lusting after that horse!" 

 

She entered the ring at a brilliant, relaxed trot and... wait... where is the spooking at the judges booth?  The letters?  Wait, why isn't she spooking at K?  Wait?!  That is amazing...  My Lil' Country Bumpkin did her first dressage test and scored a 28.4!  A 28.4!



 

Maisy and her HYP did well.  She was very green and jumped big but competently.  She did have a refusal at the first jump on the XC course.  She came out of the start box as if she knew exactly what she was doing.  My friend, watching, said it looked like she was confused, waiting for all the horses to follow her and stopped when they didn't.  It was the last bobble of the day and off they went with her green self getting bolder as they traveled over the course.

 

I haven't ridden well since then.  Oh, it didn't happen overnight...  Over the next two weeks, I couldn't get her straight, couldn't get her to hold herself up in the ring at a canter, and finally, couldn't even force myself to jump a cross rail by myself.  I was disgusted with myself and depressed...  "We'll just trail ride...  HYP and Dressage Trainer can show her.  They ride her better than I ever will...  I'll just get her fit."

 

We were signed up for a dressage clinic.  I wanted to cancel.  It would be in an indoor and Maisy hasn't been in one since the PPE and maybe not at all before that.  I didn't want to humiliate myself any further.  It was expensive and well, all we were capable of doing was the walk and was that worth spending the money?

 

"You know how to ride!  Why are you riding her like you don't?  Ride her exactly like you would have ridden Sugar!  You have the skills and ability to make this happen for the both of you!  Ride her like that!"

 

And, something changed.  I stopped worrying that I was ruining her, that someone rode her better than me, that it was so hard and I can't make mistakes or everything gained would be lost...  I stopped worrying and started to ride her.  Ride her just a little tougher, a little more demanding and much more confidently...  and, it was magical.  I felt that "I CAN DO THIS!" 

 

So, I dropped my entry into the mailbox.  Just a schooling show and at 2'3" Elementary and I am ok with that.  Just a mere 4 days ago, I had a lovely trail horse...  Now, I am an eventer with a green but eager event horse!

 

I CAN DO THIS!

 

 

 



The RIGHT STUFF

 

I saw this quote today:  "Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help and brave enough to ask for it. (Unknown)"  It felt so good and so right. 

Pure coincidence on the matching outfits! 

You see Maisy will be competing in her very first event this week and, I am not her rider.   It is the right thing for the both of us.  My Lil' Country Bumpkin is going to need a confident ride to help her focus on the jumps in front of her rather than the normal chaos of a good sized event.  She needs someone to make it fun and successful.  And I believe that the Young Happy Professional is the right one to guide her in her start as an eventing pony.

My turn will come!  And, when that happens, Maisy will be able to focus on the jumps ahead and I will be able to manage my nerves.  Well, at least my anxiety won't crush her urge to jump by then.  She will know her job and I will be confident to keep on going forward.  It's all the right stuff!

I wish I could tell you I was sad or feeling low about this decision... maybe then you'd think it was long hard debate on what's best for Maisy and a final self-sacrifice on my part.  Yeah, I wish I could say that...  Instead...

Still a bit of an overachiever...

Waaaaaaa hooooooo!  Maisy is going to King Oak Farms Horse Trials this weekend!  And my soul job is to groom her within a inch of her life and make what is attractive... amazingly clean and beautiful. Waaaaaa hooooooo!  Grooming, pictures and being a proud parent!  Shhhhhh...  I love this role! 

I can not tell you how much I've missed getting Sugar ready for shows.  Oh, I do like competing myself and will do so before the end of the season.  But, I absolutely LOVE show grooming and presentation.  And, Foxglen's Lady Margaret will look fantastic even if she can not stop herself from picking her head up to look around. 

And, let me tell you how awesome the Young Happy Professional is...  When she did a dry run of the dressage test she turned to me and said, "Wow, your hard work really shows, that was a rather decent canter circle and respectable dressage test!" 

Shhhhhh..  my ego is not dead!  It just chooses its battles carefully! 

This is the pre-show jumping lesson...  I spent most of the lesson watching and waiting for the spooks...  Not a thing!  Just jumped da jumps!

My time will come... Course Brook Horse Trials Halloween Schooling Trial at whatever level I feel comfortable with!

 

 

 

DOING TIME...

Do not judge me too harshly... In the spirit of being honest (it is a confession's blog), I've had moments this week where I've been consumed with sadness.  You see, I still miss Sugar.  I emphasize the word "moments" because I am not consumed by grief but the sadness is real and deep. 

Used with permission
www.connecticutphotos.com

Maybe its more real now because I was at Town Hill Horse Trials cheering on and "grooming" for the Bestest Eventing Buddy and the Newbie Eventer.  {{{The quotes come from the BEB... she feels I chat too much to actually take the quotes out. Harrumph}}}

Town Hill Horse Trials 2014 was the year Sug and I were on fire and showed up for all three phases.  In essence, we finished our career together with a fourth place.  And, we finished in style - fast and furious with the promise of being back at Novice after 3.5 years struggling with nerves. 

I was filled with the feeling of that victory over my fear this weekend.  It was mostly exhilarating with those moments of sadness.

Time...  Damn, it takes time to build a relationship and the trust I need to feel confident.  Time...  it owns me and teases me.  I am like a three year old who hasn't had a nap...  "I want it and I want it now!"

Maisy is turning out to be kind of special (no quotes intended).  Under saddle she is a rock star... not a spook in her and she LOVES to jump, wants to go to the jump and looks for more jumps.  And, I can ride her in the dark out in a field and she is ok with that... even at the canter. 

And, she whinnies when I come into the barn and looks for me when I'm there.  If I get unseated or rattled when she over jumps, she quietly waits until I reclaim my space.  There is not a mean bone in her body.  She wants to please and I love her more each day.

Truly a good girl!

Maybe the sadness is tinged with a little guilt. Maisy is not Sugar in so many ways.  Sometimes I miss riding the Wild Thing but mostly, I know how much of my confidence issues were and are a result of riding the Wild Thing.  Maisy has the wonderful gaits, the beauty and the talent that Sug had without the drama.  And, it feels just a little guilty saying that.

I'm doing the time and we're getting to be a team and maybe soon, jumping will be just another fun thing to do rather than the event to prepare for it is now.  Maisy is like that...  And, I am glad that she came into my life.