COUNTING DAYS AND LIVING LIFE!

Tomorrow is February 29th, also known as Sadie Hawkin's day.   If I'm not at my desk or somewhat unavailable, you might find me chasing down the love of my life and asking for his hand in marriage!  {{{And no, Bestest Eventing Buddy, we are not talking about Chandler Bing!}}}

Da Boyz - Da lufs of my life!

It is also another day wedged between the days that changed my life.  You see, I still mourn the loss of my beautiful, yet wild, lil' pinto pony.  It will be one year on Thursday, March 3rd and I can still tear up and want to bawl at having to make the decision to mercifully end her life.  (For those of you new to the blog, here's the link)

I felt so powerful on her!

I also want to scream at my still tearful self to "Stop!  Get Over It!   Move on! Enough already!"  (And, I'm sure some of you want to do the same... ;) 

Sugar was just a horse.  And, all living beings must leave the earth.  Sugar was just a horse... 

Yes, she was that and she was also a friend and a dream.

A loving gift from a FRIEND

Facebook is an amazing tool - a place to connect, a vehicle to cheer folks on and a wonderful place to share experiences, pictures and life.  I've been loving the Memories app.  Every morning it shares memories of things done and posted that day in Facebook years past.  It is also reminding me of all the life and adventures we shared over eight FB years.

Grief eases over time and I believe that one day, Sugar will be just my "last" horse.  I will smile with deep warmth when those memories come again but there will be more memories and pictures of Maisy and I doing the things we love so much.  Yet, I want to cling to the memory of her twitching spotted nose and the gentle soul she was when greeted by children and fearful adults.

During chemo at our first show

 Ok, some of you might point to all those past writings of me trying to conceal my inner alpha mare as I watched that beautiful white bottom galloping away at the 13th or 14th obstacle on a 16 fence cross country course.  And, you may want to remind me that this beautiful being would lure me into believing that today was the day we'd break 30 after an amazing dressage warmup and then manage to spook and spin periodically throughout the Novice B test.  

That nose!

And, there are some of you who might want to tell me that Maisy is absolutely an awesome horse.  And then remind me that she is green but game with lovely gaits and a willing, non-spooky nature.  While you're talking, you note that she whinnies eagerly when she hears me say Hi as I enter the barn.  Get over it, you whisper...  Sugar was just a horse.

And, I will ask you to understand, truly understand, that my love for Sugar and the occasions of sadness for my loss does not limit my ability to love and nurture again.  Time heals the loss yet, love is infinite.  Don't ask anyone to rush the process, it will come!  And, try not to judge for yourself how long it should take.  It will come...

I love Sugar and yes, I love Maisy.  And, what the heck, let's add Da Boyz in that overflowing bucket of love.  It is there and you know what?  All you folks...  Facebook, Blog Buddies and Readers...  you are with me in that bucket of love and, I thank you!

GETTING UP, SHAKING OFF AND CONTINUING ON!

There is this quote attributed to Nelson Mandela that goes something like this; Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

Our lovely new indoor

Bravery comes in so many packages and I bet, most people can't or don't even acknowledge how many brave things they accomplish in their lifetime.  We, human folk, tend to downplay our successes and focus on our hardships and failures. And, sometimes it's easier to quit than to go on.  Oh, and quitting is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it's done consciously.

Not a good morning

Why am I so caught up with this thought of bravery?  Hmmm, is this just one of those posts were it appears to be about someone else but is cleverly disguised to tell you how awesome I am?  Is this where I tell you that I fell off Maisy while jumping and "bravely" climbed back on?  {{{Um, no!  I actually cried like a baby in a humiliating ball of anxiety/shame-filled self-derision.  But, maybe that's for another post.}}}

Read Non Judgement Day

One year ago this week, our indoor collapsed.  For non-horsey folk, it may not have been some earth shattering or devastating tragedy.  "Heck, aren't horse people rich?  Isn't some kind of First World Issue?  Surely, insurance will pay for everything.  Heck, it was just an indoor."

Ok, some of that is true.  But what was also true was that it was part of a small family farm's livelihood and all of their dreams were sitting crushed under a ton of snow and ice.  And, for those of us boarding there, it felt like a death.  We did not know what to do or what to say as we mingled numbly about.  I wrote this blog about how devastating last winter was to barn owners in Massachusetts (Non Judgement Day).  I encourage you to read it.

Still miss her

Today, I honor our Barn Owners and all the other Barn Owners that faced the unknown, got up, shook off the tons of snow, and continued on!

Think about being a business owner who just had a devastating natural disaster, your insurance company tells you that there is no compensation for your loss and your customers are looking like deer in headlights wondering what to do next. They want answers to calm their fears and, you remain strong when you just want to cry.

And, we are getting there!

Courage.  Sometimes you just do the next right thing.  It was an awful winter.  Two weeks later Sugar was euthanized after her pasture accident and, the Barn Owners showed up to support and console.  And, a week later another horse was euthanized due to a spinal tumor and they showed up to support and console.

Courage.  Choosing to obtain financing and rebuild couldn't have been an easy decision but they did the work and with the support of some brilliant boarders and friends, they made it happen.

One year and everything changes.  We have this incredibly beautiful new indoor with spectacular footing.  The barn is full again.  And we smile!

You know, fear is a part of life.  Sometimes I'm afraid that my outfit for work isn't quite right. I can deal with that bit of fear bravely.  What is courageous is not knowing the outcome, showing up anyway and doing the next right thing.  Today, I am so lucky to be a part of the Country Barn...  I honor you!

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN!

"Contempt prior to examination is an intellectual vice, from which the greatest faculties of mind are not free.” William Paley in Evidences of Christianity*

Let me say one thing, up front... I hate to be wrong.  Yeah, that's right!  It is one of my vices.  You see,  although much improved, I still try to be right...  I am just less obnoxious on the "I told you so's!"  And at the risk of... um... disturbing some peace, let me ramble on.

Young Eager Teen

Let's talk Natural Horsemanship or what I like to call "Middle Aged Women Getting Ready to Ride Eventually Techniques".  I could go on and on listing my... um... not so quiet opinions of the carrot stick, the waving arms in the air, round pens, joining-up, parelli methods, etc.  Really when I see these folk "bonding" with their horses, I just want to scream...  Get on and Ride!  


Not liking it doesn't mean
stop...  Pressure
releases with acceptance

I am here to confess that I have been humbled...  really, truly humbled.  The Country Barn hosted a Ground Work Clinic (note - not designated as a Natural Horsemanship clinic - maybe I can still judge) on Sunday.  I signed up because I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and maybe get a tip or two to help get Maisy to focus (on me) without being too harsh.

I came to the first session (we were in the second) after helping a friend load her horse.  From the moment the Instructor, Susan Rainville, touched the rope halter, I was hooked.  She did not talk about magically and mystically bonding with your horse.  She didn't preach the ways horses acted in the wild and she did not ask us to buy fancy supplies to enhance our experience.


"You want me to do what?"

She said, these are the things that will both help your horse on the ground and in the saddle and that the basic movements are the lateral moves that strengthen and supple your horse.  Think of it as yoga.  And, that these practices can be done as a warm up to your regular ride and on the days that you have no time but need to work the horse.  

It was like magic!  Something simple, something that can improve my riding and Maisy's body and something that can be done easily.  Can I hear a HALLELUJAH?!!!!

The Barn's rope halter

The revelations just kept coming with each horse.  And, each horse that participated exhibited a different learning capacity.  We had the Young Eager Teen, the Sensitive Alpha Mare, the Rebellious Biker Boy, the Unruffled Cool Guy, Ms-I-Got-it, Maisy and Mr Distraction.   Every horse, every owner had a way of learning and the work was adapted for both the body and the mind. 

Maisy needed bending and suppleness (yoga) while understanding that the handler is the most important thing in the ring.  I need to learn how to coordinate the rope, whip, my hands and feet without cursing in frustration.  The Instructor demonstrated how I can help lift her front end and achieve lightness while asking for the bending that will strengthen her weak side.

When it worked, the results were amazing.  Her Greyness lifted her front end, eagerly crossed her hind legs while her attention stayed fixed on me.  I, on the other hand, struggled for that beautiful fluid motion of coordinated body parts.  Hmmm...  I think I see something here.... hmmmm!

And, so today I ordered a sweet, soft, fancy rope halter and rope.  You know, this being wrong feels so right!

WINTER WORKOUTS

“Should you find a wise critic to point out your faults, follow him as you would a guide to hidden treasure.” Buddha (really, it is a Buddha quote, no fooling!)

Once again I found myself at another, "Give-Peace-a-Chance-Breathe-Deeply-Envision-a-Perfect-Ride" sports psychology seminar focused on Anxiety in the Rider.  Yes, horse related practices once again... 

Always good to look at things again!

I signed up to support the New Barn Girl 'cause I've been to every training, every seminar, therapists, energy healers and I know how to do TFT/EFT, meditate, take rescue remedy...  I'm all set with the Anxiety issue... no need to go for me....  All set!  

 Then, at my last jumping lesson, I looked at my ever-patient Eventing Trainer and said, "Um, I guess I need the clinic for me... huh?!"  She just shook her head and said, "You really need to ask?"  Sigh...

Anxiety happens...  And, it happens to everyone...  And, it can be good if appropriately evaluated, and embraced.  It can stimulate, protect and yes, paralyze.  You just gotta figure out how to deal with it and how to make it work for you.

So, she gave us an Anxiety Scale for Training (doubt that is what she called it).  If you are always working in the 1-4 range, there is no growth/training - you are basically status quo.  Training takes place in the 5-7 range - there is stress but you (horse and human) are open and able to learn/improve.  

If you hit an 8 - 9, your body reacts and your brain begins to work on survival mode - Training/learning does not happen.  If you hit a 10, you are in survival mode and reactions are most likely instinctive.

 The goal should be to ride more often in the 5-7 range and if you hit an 8, back off - rinse and repeat.  Oh, she did say that riding in the comfort zone is fine, just be aware of it and what it is.

Looking bold but not so much!

So Ms Maisy, let me introduce you to Winter Work.  You see, my love, left to our own devices, we've been in the comfort zone rarely kicking it up to a 5.  Our Trainers have been good enough to push into the 5-7 range but, really... how often is that?  I believe that we've, kind of, settled into the riding version of a big comfy couch clutching a glass of warm milk and watching re-runs on Netflix.  

So Ms Maisy, our comfort level is set at a 7.  I promise you that we will back it down if you're stress level kicks into an 8 due to the high winds and pelting debris against the indoor wall or if all your friends leave the indoor at once.  Yes, we will push ourselves out of lethargy while being clear that our plan can be changed where appropriate.  But, Ms Maisy... think 7!

 And, maybe, the next time we jump, we've conditioned our bodies/minds to want to be at a 7 and, crossing into an 8 will be a mildly uncomfortable memory...  Wouldn't that be nice?!

FIRST DAY WANDERINGS

Holiday Bonnets are a must!

It was supposed to be a post about two horse girls romping around the state park celebrating the start of the New Year!  We had it planned out to a grand conclusion to the Holiday Season with each horse happily wearing their holiday attire... 

Alas, we got ice.  I mean we got ice, not soft cushiony snow in all its gorgeous whiteness... we got ice.  And, that gorgeous blue sky and winter sun?  Neither the Newbie Eventer or I actually ordered that day from the weather gods.  Instead, it was grey, cold with a raw moist wind.  It was not meant to be. 

I stayed in and nursed my cold while nesting just a little bit.  I'm sure Newbie Eventer braved the rawness of the day and perfected the 20 meter circle and the counter canter.  Sigh...

Here's a confession for you...  I don't do New Year's Resolutions.  Mostly, these are "things" that are announced that are the "things" one should be doing on a daily basis.  And, often, these "things" are unachievable because the "thing" is something set way too high.  I just don't believe in them. 

A Wise Woman once suggested that I should set an intention.  Something that I intended to do and intended to accomplish.  Hmmm  rather than resolve to do something, I could intend to do it.  Sounds so... well, achievable.  Like improving on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.  Set an intention... 

Well, I intend to keep improving my riding and relationship with Maisy.  And, I intend to have fun while jumping (not just afterwards).  And, of course, I intend to event this summer.  Seems easy and powerfully positive... but, not quite enough. 

The freedom gained by letting go!

You see what I really intend to do is to let go of worrying so much!  Think about a life where you aren't worried that if you don't clean your horse's feet every day, they'll abscess.  Think about how nice it will be to trust that making mistakes are a natural part of learning and that it won't ruin what has already been accomplished. 

And imagine a jumping lesson where you just be and not worried that everything will go wrong...  Imagine, if you lived a life where you could be alert and alive without the added anxiety of prevention... 

That same Wise Woman also said that in order to make a change, you had to first be aware of what needed to be changed and then accept how it manifests in your life.  Only when you've become aware and have some level of acceptance, can you take the actions needed to affect change.

I see the subtleties of my worry which is often cloaked in sound horsemanship or in good solid practices.  (Awareness)  I also know how those worries have both helped and hindered me (Acceptance).  This intention is directed at really taking action to change the way of thinking and acting...  There is a balance there and it will be my intention to find it and live in its core...


For now, as I ponder my intention.  Let me share my New Year's Eve Facebook status.  It said it all:

2015 was a year of huge changes, big decisions and heart moments... Life is to be lived and each of those things are just cobblestones on the path forward. Tonight, with a sniffling cold, I bathe myself in gratitude for the folks, critters and gifts in my life that make it so rich! Thanks to you all! And Happy New Year!!!

Wishing you all a Joyful and Worry-Free New Year!

{{{Note - not sure what I'll write about if I truly go worry-free... Oh My!}}}

TIME AND TIME AGAIN!

Last night I cupped Maisy's nose in the palm of my hands and gently lifted that velvety softness to my lips and kissed her.  I paused and kissed her again, this time loudly smacking my lips, and  told her that I loved her.  No one saw the tears in my eyes...  It was the moment where I knew that my heart was big enough to love again - fully and completely.  "I really do love you Maisy, I really do..." whispered for  our ears alone.

Grimacing after
falling at a gallop
(long story)

Time is the only thing that heals...  Time.  I rail about not having enough time, or trying to fit everything in and be on time.  My job forces me to plan months ahead so time always has a fleeting feel to it.  Yet, time is our friend if cradled and lived for every moment we have. 

This Fall was hard on so many levels.  Did I tell you that I went back to school?   Traditionally it is my busy season at work but being short staffed compounded an already high stress time and without an indoor, I struggled to do it all.  In my mind, whatever I did fell short of doing a good job on anything.

Maisy and I were doing ok, getting better but I still felt that we were missing a connection...  I was still just riding her, just learning about her, just trying to get it all done and on to the next day.  There was no time.

Our first fox hunt was a bit of a bust...  Someone said that Virginia hunt country horses have some adjusting to do when switching from the big open fields and live hunting to the narrow wooded paths and the stop/start of our New England drag hunting.  I decided to skip hunting her this season and begin again in the Spring or Fall of next year.

With Permission
www.yokinasphoto.com

Sugar was a bit of a challenging horse with her Mariah Carey/diva-like stance on life.  And, there are umteem posts within this blog chronicling them.  What Sugar was, without a doubt, was an amazing Hunt Horse!  I could take her anywhere to hunt and she would be the same - cantering on a dime, would jump everything safely and accurately, would watch the field ahead slow when they slowed and gallop when they galloped, could hold hard and would stand at the check on a loose rein.

My big lovable grey pony!

I ached for her.  I truly felt our loss. 

None of this ache pulled from the love and happiness I had with Maisy.  That is the conundrum.  I could still mourn for what I had and still love what I have.  All in good time...

Last night, I jumped Maisy for the first time since October.  At first, I felt totally stressed, tight and worried that I would ruin my green, eager jumper with my rusty anxious self.  The first jump was... um...  not pretty (ok, not quite ugly).  And, as we were guided,  I became softer, more secure and slowly lost the anxiety.  In the end, I was riding and working with Maisy...  I became a trainer and not a passenger.

The Ghost of Jumping Past was gone and, Her Grayness and I really saw the Ghost of Jumping Present and Future. 

It is about time...

THAT ONE THING!

It's always that one thing that "ruins" everything.  If I speak in front of a crowd and one survey card is less than complementary, I forget about all those that were positive or constructive and focus instead on that one thing...  that one thing...

That one thing

Have I mentioned yet that Maisy and I did dressage work out in the field with just the brilliance of a full moon lighting our way?  Or maybe I didn't tell you how the Happy Young Professional (HYP) and Her Grayness competed at the last Horse Trial and finished 4th?  Or perhaps I shared the story of our Hunter Pace success where I jumped da jumps and loved the gentle lady underneath me?

No I did not!

What I want to do is to go on and on about getting dumped at today's hunter pace.  It wasn't over a jump but during a lovely gallop through some amazing fields.  I believe that Maisy would prefer not to be in the lead but somewhere near or actually in the buttocks of her stablemate and lover Patrick.  That leading at a gallop means that she can not actually embed herself into his body and that perhaps, the additional insult was to allow another horse to come between two lovers.

{{{Hmmm, I believe I am going on and on...}}}

What does a mare do when not really wanting to be a leader and experiencing longing and concern over a lover?  I believe she makes a "quick" twist of her head and neck to look behind her and when discovering that he was further behind than what her love sick mind feels is safe, finish the turn in a big twist.

Fortunately for Maisy, Patrick was fine.  Unfortunately for me, I got thrown, well maybe off balanced and fell in a twisted heap of my own...  Shoulder, neck and lower back... strained muscles - no permanent damage.

Just one thing

Yeah, I want to go on and on...  Mostly because I feel depressed, defeated and just a hint of worthlessness.   Did I mention that I can barely move, had to ask a stranger to pick up the Epsom Salts for me because I couldn't bend down and get back up?  That feeling does add some cheer to a girl's day!

That one thing!

What I really need to do is to go on and on about how great galloping her feels like or how the one jump we took felt amazing even if she jumped big.  Or maybe I need to tell you how much fun it was to be with my team and enjoy riding out in amazing territory as the fall colors fade into gold and copper. 

And, maybe I need to tell you that when I fell, Maisy stopped and stood over me waiting for me to get up...  Yeah, that one thing!  She stopped and stood over me... waiting for me to stand up. 

That one thing!